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Joachim transfigured at the piano A shroud of awkward shyness makes you slow to share. Old walls of modesty eclipse the blazing skies of sentiment below. Beneath my touch your skin is cold, your lips are artless, fearing barriers not yet passed; my body soothes you till resistance slips. But at the keyboard, skill and grace recast your ev'ry movement: fingers, arms a-flight like maddened starlings when the music's fast, hands leap and bound, notes rush on in delight. Then stirred by introspective euphony, they glide like swans o'er ripples black and white that flow in agile rhythmic harmony, reflected in your open face — a window through which I see, now joy, now agony. So priv'leged hearing you at the piano, your soul laid bare for me alone to hold. Now wrap my feath'ry yearnings in a scherzo, and let the strains of chiming skin unfold. |
this is really a nothing comment and for that i apologize. i can tell you have thought a lot about word placement and form etc but the problem is... i know nothing about such things. but i do know what moves me. this piece moves me. the way you have captured the fluidity of movement and grace in this piece is beautiful. i like the idea of a transfiguration at a piano and i understand the idea wholly having watched the way people disappear when they begin to play i adre the way you set the stage... the way you exposed joachim... the effort it took him [?] to get up there and to actually play something... the timidity of the first few notes even though this piece is known intimately by his fingers, by his whole being... yes... i adore this piece ![]() | Posted on 2008-05-27 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ] | At first take, I just like the story. It has a logical flow that satisfies. | On the second take, I like the way you have played on words, using the science of metrics to punctuate and convey a mood, first fast, then slow. The third take, and this is only because I note you are a Professor, english is your second language, and you have a passion for metrics; I have the following untrained, but intuitive view: 1. 'Skies' and 'below' are a paradoxial pairing of a noun and adjective 2. The second and last stanzas indicate a conjugation, however the first, third, fourth and fifth stanzas serve to build to the sexual culmunation (satisfied by the last line) 3. The entire poem is romantic. The words selected weave castles in the sky, but for the first half of the last line: 'now play my body'. It seems almost crude in the context of lyrical fantasy that has set the benchmark in the preceding lines? These three points halted the flow of the poem for me, though only because my thought processes are structured in such a way that is inconsistent with these images. I found that I faltered and needed to re-route cerebral circuitry to compensate. This may have been your intent? | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by biska | [ Reply to This ] | Joachim transfigured at the piano | A shroud of awkward shyness makes you slow To me this is cute, my first thought (given because of the enjambment) when reading this line is the boy seems slow witted; then you hit us with (to share) One other thing the enjambment does is take some of the effectiveness from the [slow, below] rhyme. But this seems apropos in context with things beginning slowly and a little awkward to share. Old walls of modesty eclipse the blazing skies of sentiment below. Beneath my touch, your skin is cold, your lips I don't like the apostrophe after touch I read it as a pause and I like the sound more without a pause until cold. However I can see these pauses as fingers stoking in that respect its ok, however I still like the melody more with one smooth stoke up to cold. For me this would make it a long artful caress. are artless, fearing barriers not yet passed, my body soothes you till resistance slips. But at the keyboard, skill and grace recast your ev'ry movement; fingers, arms a-flight [like mAdde/ned stAr/lings when the mUsic's fast,] There is nothing specific wrong with this line But you might consider: [like maddened starlings flush when music's fast,] If we insert flush here, the word itself lends a lushness of sound as well as augmenting the idea of passion with its connotations. Then of course it plays on rush which comes later. hands leap and bound, notes rush on in delight. I think this line works well the spondaic emphasis adds that perfect touch like birds taking flight. Then stirred by introspective euphony, they glide like swans o'er ripples black and white (that)to flow in agile rhythmic harmony, just the at sound of (that) seems out of place. I like to for its sonics reflected in your open face — a window through which/I see, /now joy/, now ag/o.ny. I see it this way making agony a three syllable word. So priv'leged hearing you at the piano, your soul laid bare for me alone to hold. Now play my body, let [it] sing a scherzo. I suggest [us] instead of [it] us is softer but a more important word than it, also [us] is more indicative of harmony. or [as we sing a scherzo] would be my second choice. Dale. | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ] | It was fascinating to read your thought-process. | I really loved the poem. Its obvious you've put a lot of meticulous effort into it. I have no suggestions to offer, as I am sure you have reasons for using the pyrrhic etc. The rhyme flowed well to me, and nothing sounded stilited. The spondee does seem to slow it down... but the monosylabic words speed it up. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think you should correct the use of semicolons and commas: should be: "are artless, fearing barriers not yet passed; my body soothes you till resistance slips." "like maddened starlings when the music's fast; hands leap and bound; notes rush on in delight.' The last line should be: Now play my body: let it sing a scherzo. Your native language's not English, I think, making it all the more impressive. I'm favoriting it too. | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by albery rinash | [ Reply to This ] | Sorry, I don't really have any of the comments you requested for. I just like your style of writing. It's really just a paragraph poetically broken apart- I like those lately. I especially enjoyed the parts about the swans... that was beautiful. It really enforced the black and white idea... and introduced a theme oftentimes associated with swans: love. I'm favoriting it. | Peace, Lucy | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by LucyDiamond | [ Reply to This ] | This is really quite a good transition of human emotion and activity. I like that he grows musically like the tempo of his own mind and body has been taken over by the piano. | Awesome adjectives and metaphoric symbolism. | Posted on 2006-12-17 00:00:00 | by danativ | [ Reply to This ] | |