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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Happy holiday fuckers!dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Gothik
    Elite Ratio:    3.35 - 94/133/31
    Words: 205
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 772
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1412



    Description:
       I am sorry if that text shocked peoples so don't come and just rant about my write because I hate X-mas nor tell me your sorry for me... Be honest and be good viewer. Treat this piece like every others.


    -Gothik


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsHappy holiday fuckers!dots
    -------------------------------------------


    Here it is once again,
    Holiday's in it's winter coat.
    The time for family and friends,
    Where no body should moap.

    Still I am here,
    Shed in a corner,
    Kids running everywhere,
    Filled with laugher.

    No one talks to me,
    Because of the black sheep I used to be.
    Sadness breaking in me.
    Why do they still hate me.

    Time passed,
    One year after the other,
    Still it lasted.
    Hatred from those fuckers!

    You should all burn in hell,
    While your at it burn the tree,
    The fire would dry the tears I shed.
    Why can't you just take this holiday away from me.

    After all this shouldn't exist,
    It lost all it's meaning.
    Only merchants persist,
    Buy more for seasons greeting!

    Take this away from me,
    Let me be ignored by my family,
    While they're away from me.
    After all, it makes no difference for me.

    One day, I'll take christmas to hell,
    They will all say: That's unfair!
    Maybe they'll understand how I felt.
    When they placed me in that despair.

    I am a grinch and proud I say!
    Friends and family shall feel terror!
    When I'll make christmas my way!
    So, happy holidays fuckers!




    Submitted on 2006-12-17 00:57:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      I like the feeling with this work, I do find the "[censored]ers" word does rather detract from it, it takes away any feeling of pity for the subject and any real emotion from the piece on the whole.
    And no I'm not a prude, I'm as foul mouthed as they come and don't mind the language at all.It just ruins the piece.
    Maybe changing it to Mother[censored]ers could redeem the function of it, it would make the sentences not only fill out but sound more filling.


    The stanza "You should burn in hell...." would be a good repeat throughout the piece, it sums up the feeling of being neglected and wanted revenge also it would lead to a nice tidy ending for which you could just repeat the "You can burn in hell" line alone.

    | Posted on 2007-01-06 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      hey honey,

    lets see what i can do and please dont get offended cause i tend to be really really honest.

    so lets break this apart shall we?

    "Here it is once again,
    Holiday's in it's winter coat.
    The time for family and friends,
    Where no body should moap."

    well this is a good begining though i would like that you add more imagry. "winters coat" has many potential words you can place into this. Its beautiful first stanza though and it does catch your eyes somewhat.

    "Still I am here,
    Shed in a corner,
    Kids running everywhere,
    Filled with laugher."

    Now this part is a bit filled with self pity. Mind you i like it but it does add that depressing edge to the "story" as i would so call it. Is this back in your youth when you wrote this? so you add memory and i like the consistency you keep but this part feels a bit empty of feeling.

    Im sorry this wont be my best critique cause im a bit pressed for time but im trying my best.moving on.

    "No one talks to me,
    Because of the black sheep I used to be.
    Sadness breaking in me.
    Why do they still hate me.

    Time passed,
    One year after the other,
    Still it lasted.
    Hatred from those [censored]ers!

    Back to the self pity but i see you add a minority of imagry. ah that part i like "why do they still hate me" hun that line is beautifuly written.
    i think "hatred from those [censored]ers" is a bit harsh for this part. and im not saying this cause i think swearing is wrong hell i do it all the time but for that part in this poem isnt what i think you should have placed there.


    "You should all burn in hell,
    While your at it burn the tree,
    The fire would dry the tears I shed.
    Why can't you just take this holiday away from me.

    After all this shouldn't exist,
    It lost all it's meaning.
    Only merchants persist,
    Buy more for seasons greeting!

    Take this away from me,
    Let me be ignored by my family,
    While they're away from me.
    After all, it makes no difference for me."

    *laughs* ingenious as i see it. i love how you move swiftly through the emotions and the placement of them is perfect symetry to your work. God this may be my fav poem considering i love christmas (even though im a pagen O.O) i dont like the consitent repeat of me me me thing though throws you off the over used term "flow" you created. You might want to slip something into that like I and such. there are other words besides Me that can be placed here.

    "One day, I'll take christmas to hell,
    They will all say: That's unfair!
    Maybe they'll understand how I felt.
    When they placed me in that despair.

    I am a grinch and proud I say!
    Friends and family shall feel terror!
    When I'll make christmas my way!
    So, happy holidays [censored]ers!"

    Nice, not your best but nice. You are now involving others into this besides your own emotions even though you wish to place them with it.
    okeis this is a comment i havent made one in a while so im rusty have to go getting yelled at

    all the lvoe
    nikki

    *kisses*
    | Posted on 2006-12-19 00:00:00 | by nikita2u | [ Reply to This ]
      dude, why dont you talk to your family? Im sure it may be hard, but if ya dont it will be on your chest forever, maybe they think YOU dont give a [censored], so they dont bother.... i dunno, its sounds too familiar to me this poem, like i've been there, but i swallowed my pride and sat down and talked to them. what a feeling, like a ton of bricks off my back
    Merry Christmas anyway
    DaRaven
    | Posted on 2006-12-17 00:00:00 | by DaRaven | [ Reply to This ]
      Could be more poetic. It was weird to read because at some parts it was evil, amusing or sad. interesting convination. Good poem overall.
    | Posted on 2006-12-17 00:00:00 | by Exodus Night Sky | [ Reply to This ]


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    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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