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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: No more sunny daysdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: dawnschild
    ASL Info:    21/F/Chicago
    Elite Ratio:    5.71 - 79/84/33
    Words: 201
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 117
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1223



    Description:
       Please leave some kind of feedback. Anything!!! I am reposting this because no one was letting me know what they thought about it... do you get it? Do you hate it? Let me know please.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsNo more sunny daysdots
    -------------------------------------------


    ~My love affair~

    One golden morning

    The sun crept in through my bedroom window

    and filled the room with his presence

    he lingered there for far too long

    and the sky was weeping

    and while she felt his absence

    I only felt his warmth

    she called the clouds to comfort her

    and sent lightening down to find him

    but he stayed and kept me warm in my bed

    and so I laid, engulfed in bliss

    basking in his radiance

    That night while the moon shown bright

    and the scandalized stars were all buzzing with gossip

    and wondering where he could be

    they were too busy to notice

    as he crept out my bedroom window

    and I watched him slip back into the sky

    I knew he would have to go back to her

    That it wasn't meant to be

    And from then on I could only admire him from afar

    Which brought a pain to my eyes

    but I didn't cry, half as much as she did








    Submitted on 2006-12-17 19:30:39     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      So, the sun visits you instead of doing his job in the sky, the sky is jealous and puts out clouds and lightning to protest, he steals back to his place during the night, not without some buzzing gossip from the onlooking stars, and you are left the option of admiring him from afar, which is painful, but also fulfilling.

    This could be metaphor for a night spent with someone's boyfriend. Or for any number of other things.

    This basic idea, metaphor, is probably enough for the backbone of a poem. But what is lacking, it seems to me, is work on form. You've separated the story into lines, but if you just had it as a single paragraph, it would be essentially the same: a prose metaphorical tale. What it would take for this to really be a good POEM (I insist, good as a poem, not good as a story), is a lot of work on form. This doesn't mean that you need to get it into regular meter with rhymes. But free verse is probably even harder to manage than regular meter. You need to find ways so that your lines don't sound just like ordinary prose, like you're talking in your usual voice. There has to be a feeling of necessity in the WAY you say things (poetry is not so much about content, most poems say the same things over and over again, it's quite rare to find poems on truly new or original subjects, poetry is about HOW you say it, and each new great poet is great because he/she finds NEW ways to say OLD things). One of the easy advantages of regular meter, is that it gives a simple way to transmit this feeling of necessity.

    Keep working at it! And read good poetry, including some classics (not just the stuff posted on this site, not to say that there is not excellent stuff posted here).

    Best,

    PH

    PS correct "shown" to "shone", this spelling mistake actually threw me off for a couple of seconds, sending me down an irrelevant sidetrack.
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]



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