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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: What We Remember Mostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: moonlitsky
    Elite Ratio:    5.96 - 70/44/15
    Words: 179
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 1118
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1143



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWhat We Remember Mostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    My mind wanders back
    To those hidden memories we shared
    On rooftops gazing
    Up at the sad starless sky
    Listening to footsteps
    And the sound of fireflies

    It meant the world
    To poor blind me
    And for a second then
    I thought you felt your heart
    Beat as mine did

    But I was mistaken
    And you showed me that

    And still somehow
    I dream of you always
    As you wrote those words
    On the sand one day
    Forever engraved in my heart
    And seared in my mind
    ‘I miss you’

    And I wanted so badly
    To say those words back
    But now you’re miles away
    Separated by seas
    Thinking of someone else

    But all is well
    Cuz you would never think
    I meant those words
    In that oh so romantic way
    But I do
    And ‘til now I remember
    That painful twilight moment we shared
    Buried under the hollow night
    Staring at the starless sky

    Can you tell me you still hear
    The sound of fireflies?




    Submitted on 2006-12-17 21:16:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      
    'I miss you'

    Two of the most powerful words to use when writing a longing poem...truly

    Did I mention longing is my forte???

    haha...and you put me to shame here.

    The feeling of falling and not being able to stand the landing is so overwhelming and yet the shock, that sudden and violent blow or impact; collision, is a lingering weight to the heart but without it you'd not have the past that keeps the feeling so near and dear to your heart/mind. To which the mind, emotions, or sensibilities can be pushed to the breaking point and leave us tittering on edge of dreams that float just out of reach.

    ahhh...breath taking

    You truly are a gem to find...I'm not sure I've ever seen any of your work up till tonight and now I must read read read all of it as I think you have quite the talent for one so young and still finding your voice...my gosh just imagen what you'll be writing in years to come.

    anyhoo...back to the poem

    You use some of the best romantic settings here
    ocean, sand, rooftops, sky lines, stars or lack there of and heart beats with the silence of space...BEAUTIFUL

    I love the way you take it from one scene to the next with whispers of the now...now I miss you, now I wish to take the momnet back and rewind to make it right, now you're gone and I'm still there, now is all we will never have.

    The best part is the fireflies...oh boy oh boy oh boy...I have written tons and tons of longing themes as it is what my heart does best and never I mean never have I used fireflies.
    Which is funny because the writes of longing are all about a man 'I miss' so, always will I guess and he loved fireflies...so I think maybe this hit exceptionally hard.

    Was this a real time in your life???

    I also love the 'starless sky'...as it is always the stars that are bright within classic writes and yet you have them here not shinnning at all and the light that comes forth is that of which you two bring to the for front...I mean to have such a spark light the night...ahhh...yep

    Then he's across seas, away from the heart that beats his name in soft whispers of love and longing for more. The heart knows not of space and time but of the moments between, within it's pounding palse and ringing sounds that deafen your senses.

    I'm in awe...really

    But all is well
    Cuz you would never think
    I meant those words
    In that oh so romantic way
    But I do
    And ‘til now I remember
    That painful twilight moment we shared
    Buried under the hollow night
    Staring at the starless sky

    Can you tell me you still hear
    The sound of fireflies?


    Does it ever get easy to leave it at that and walk away...never knowing if they still feel those moments within moments of time when you were face to face/heart to heart and closer then where you are now???
    I can never forget mine and I will never know if he thinks of me daily like I do of him but that is all there is I guess...the ever wonderment of longing keeping my writes on there toes and me at my laptop trying to remember the way it was...yeah

    Thank you Thank you Thank you

    This truly is a keeper and I'll treasure it always on my wall of greats.

    Kelly



    | Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by clay | [ Reply to This ]
      "It meant the world... to poor blind me."

    You know, I really like your style of writing. It's simplistic but it's all so very real. @_@ I can't wait to read more... I've already read all of the ones you have posted...
    | Posted on 2007-02-26 00:00:00 | by Mieko | [ Reply to This ]
      That was really beautiful there is almost always beauty in despair and desperation- and so many people feel regret in a romantic sense...so it's easy to connect the two. I'll give you a quick run-through (not overly quick though, just don't wanna take up too much unnecessary room/time)
    **My mind wanders back
    To those hidden memories we shared
    On rooftops gazing
    Up at the sad starless sky
    Listening to footsteps
    And the sound of fireflies**
    ~that was one of those search-inside-yourself moments in my mind; just as I read it...do you get what i mean with that? like how something can be so small and meaningless as far as everyone else is concerned when they think about it, but whenever your thoughts flutter back to that moment you feel immense emotion;whether it be bliss, regret, etc. I like how you mentioned it being starless, after a while everyone glorifying phrases like "star-scattered" or "starcrossed" gets a little old. I also thought the bit about the fireflies was pretty creative, especially how you tied it together at the ending; clever ;).

    **It meant the world
    To poor blind me
    And for a second then
    I thought you felt your heart
    Beat as mine did**
    ~I'll be honest that could be taken a few ways and the first second I read it, it felt a little self-pitying but i could also see how it could be spiteful or even just stated as such....that you trusted, and trusted "blindly" so to speak && have to now deal with the consequences of that. Although that's somewhat cynical too, there are some people and some instance when trust is "acceptable" but I'll admit it is taken more in notice when the trust is abused....no one really considers how GREAT it is to have someone they can trust and who doesn't abuse that trust- they just make a fuss when the situation is dramatic enough for them too look tragic. (Okay sorry, just a note about people in general, I wasn't referring directly to you lol my apologies for going on a mini-rant) It is a wonderful feeling, when you know that person is the only one in the world who matters to you at that moment- when they feel like they *are* your world and many know how devestating it is when you think that person feels the same and realize it is unreturned.

    **But I was mistaken
    And you showed me that**
    ~that really hit hard for me, there are a few stories I could connect with that for personal meaning but I won't waste the time. let me just say though that it's such a shame when people have our faith and trust and then show us that they were never even worth it.

    **And still somehow
    I dream of you always
    As you wrote those words
    On the sand one day
    Forever engraved in my heart
    And seared in my mind
    ‘I miss you’**
    ~that was good, it could have been a little more original but here's my take on this: this topic is something SO many people feel that if more than one person uses the same images and ideas to express and literarily "embody" that then I really see nothing wrong with it. I also liked your use of 'seared', I could feel a stinging, burning ache that's almost pleasure-pain while reading that. I know that obviously I can't change things on a large scale, and this is VERY idealistic- especially for how pessimistic I tend to be- but I wish that no one would ever have to regret loving someone....even if they weren't loved in return. Then again, there are so many things people shouldn't have to go through and sadly that's not exactly the top one of them. If that were the biggest of our problems (though we probably still wouldn't appreciate it) we should be considered very lucky.

    **And I wanted so badly
    To say those words back
    But now you’re miles away
    Separated by seas
    Thinking of someone else**
    ~that's so tragic, words left unspoken tend to hurt more than anything said...even something said in haste. And it's true, imagining the one person you think about all the time- the person you love thinking about the love of another human being is such a horrible emotion. Seeing as how intricate we are in general I'd say I would prefer having all the "bad" or "lesser" emotions b/c that's the only way we can have the good- it's better than feeling nothing at all...but it's different sometimes right when you're experiencing it and sometimes the pain of things is simply too much.

    **But all is well
    Cuz you would never think
    I meant those words
    In that oh so romantic way
    But I do
    And ‘til now I remember
    That painful twilight moment we shared
    Buried under the hollow night
    Staring at the starless sky

    Can you tell me you still hear
    The sound of fireflies?**
    ~your misery in this write...I've felt it before myself but it astounds me, I felt a little off tonight but I have tears in my eyes reading this- consider how many people are in pain like this or worse every second? there's not a breathe you or I take that someone else isn't in pain ....somewhere. Memories, it truly is a catch 22 , you wouldn't want to not have them and not be able to recall but there are some things that it would/might be best if we could let go of. By the sounds of the fireflies were you playing on a moment being so seemingly perfect and memorable that you could "see sounds/hear sights/feel smells." etc.? that was the impression I got.
    anyway this was a lovely write and I really can't wait to take a look at some of your other writing






    | Posted on 2007-02-14 00:00:00 | by silent_death12 | [ Reply to This ]
      This is lovely, Kat!
    | Posted on 2006-12-30 00:00:00 | by Ron Cole | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt sad and yet uplifted after reading this. Not much can imspire that kind of feeling, I'll hand that to you.

    "My mind wanders back
    To those hidden memories we shared
    On rooftops gazing
    Up at the sad starless sky
    Listening to footsteps
    And the sound of fireflies"


    This stanza is oozing peace from every line, almost giving the idea of daydreamers, especially with the rooftops and the "sad starless sky" which is excellent and effective use of alliteration. The footsteps offer some background noise, or should I say sound, because they don't disrupt anything. Fireflies are quite a sight in the night, and hence instead of stars perhaps the fireflies serve to light your way, a good way to start off this poem.

    "It meant the world
    To poor blind me
    And for a second then
    I thought you felt your heart
    Beat as mine did

    But I was mistaken
    And you showed me that"


    Blind as in unable to envision something I think. This paints a very sad picture, and conveys the sad feeling to its reader, to be mistaken about something that was supposedly quite obvious, nicely done..

    "And still somehow
    I dream of you always
    As you wrote those words
    On the sand one day
    Forever engraved in my heart
    And seared in my mind
    ‘I miss you’"


    There goes a phrase "I wrote your name on the wind, it got blown away, I wrote your name in the sand, it got washed away, so I wrote it on my heart..", and now I am compelled to ask why state that the person's name is written on the sand, and yet emotionally engraved on the heart? One side it gets washed away, and the second it remains..along with being "seared in the mind" quite a strange picture..and the ending, although abrupt, seems haunting.

    "And I wanted so badly
    To say those words back
    But now you’re miles away
    Separated by seas
    Thinking of someone else"


    The epitomy of misery! To have your loved one think of someone else. Sounds like something from "If Tomorrow Never Comes". The notion of seperation by sea is a strong way to communicate distance and near impossiblity of meeting again (due to the obstacle, the sea)

    "But all is well
    Cuz you would never think
    I meant those words
    In that oh so romantic way
    But I do
    And ‘til now I remember
    That painful twilight moment we shared
    Buried under the hollow night
    Staring at the starless sky

    Can you tell me you still hear
    The sound of fireflies?"


    Another sign of misery, and recalling the first stanza, the reptition is most effectively pulled off, especially with the addition of "painful twilight moment", twilight is most commonly associated with romantic time of day, along with the expression of night as well.
    The last two lines are a perfect ending. Although I don't think fireflies make sounds..

    Cheers
    Azuire
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      I love it! The title and the wording... just, beautiful. You get across the basic message that you're missing somebody, but you don't overdue it like most people do. Very unique, keep writing.

    -tma
    | Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by Two Meters Away | [ Reply to This ]
      i like this. its very real and i love the fireflies added in to it.

    it makes me sad tho cuz my bf is leavn me for the marines soon n hes gonna be across the 'seas' too


    good write
    | Posted on 2006-12-20 00:00:00 | by itsjustme22 | [ Reply to This ]
      it's so strange.
    i have sooooo much to say and i don't know if i can type it all.
    i have this thing about fireflies and stars and i miss you and blah blah blah.
    i really don't know how to explain.
    you've spoken everything for me.
    i'm adding it to my favs.

    <bleedingtears>
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]


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    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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