In this moment
Life's as it should be-
I'm thinking of you
And you're thinking of me.
As of this moment
We've been away awhile-
But every time I dream of you
My mouth hints at a smile.
From this very moment
A vow has been made-
It is my promise to you:
The trust that I will wait.
In this lifelong moment
I'm lying by your side-
For fate will take us to the path
Where you and I collide.
| 'But every time I dream of you|
My mouth hints at a smile.'
'I'm lying by your side-'
I see what PiercedHeart is say about no visual imagery, but when i read the above two lines, my mind went back to times when i have been lying in bed, missing someone i love, sometimes smiling with a memory of being with them and sometimes crying wishing i could be beside them. i loved this.
the flow was good, except i got a bit caught at:
'It is my promise to you:
The trust that I will wait.'
i see what you are saying, it just lost the flow for me. you may be able to find another way to express this so it flows better. then again you may just want to ignore me. hehe.
Very nice though, I can defiantly relate. It touched home in a comfortable way.
|| Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by PaulHudson | [ Reply to This ] || i honestly loved this piece. it was very nicley written and it flowed. If i were you i would have stuck with not rephrasing in this moment. it you were to change the moments you possibly could have done in this moment...|
in a perfect moment...in our moment...or in the best moment, ect...changing it rather than making the same moment diff. adjectives. just some opinionative advice.
it made me have a happy feeling.
but their was no visual image for me.
|| Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by PiercedHeart | [ Reply to This ] |