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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Mum and Dad(Christmass present that needs comment)dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: PaulHudson
    ASL Info:    21/Male/Southend, Essex
    Elite Ratio:    5.56 - 70/71/19
    Words: 135
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 905
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 779



    Description:
       This is for my Mum and Dads Christmas present… I don’t tell them I love them as often as I would like. So I want this to be perfect, if you read it, please comment, and rip it to bits. I want every bit of criticism and suggestion you can think of.

    Thank you for you help, and merry Christmas! – bah humbug


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMum and Dad(Christmass present that needs comment)dots
    -------------------------------------------


    For holding our hands when we were shy
    For taking the time to tell us why
    For making us believe we could
    For showing us that we should

    For all the times you felt too old
    but played in the woods wet and cold
    For throwing us in the air
    and catching us because you cared

    For every time we fell and you picked us up
    For every car journey when we wouldn’t shut up

    For every taxi ride in your car
    For every time you worry where we are
    For every time you lend us money
    For every time you say something funny

    For all the ways you show your trust
    For all the love you have given us
    For never uttering a word untrue
    Thank you, we love you




    Submitted on 2006-12-18 18:19:32     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I think this is beautiful, and it shouldn't be "perfect" as much as it should be "personal"... I think your parents are going to be really touched. If I changed anything, it would be the last line, adding "Thank you both, and we cherish you." Love is wonderful too, but "cherish" is so warm and just seems to hug you.... When someone says "I love you," it's nice, but everyone "loves" ... How many people have ever said they cherish you? How would you feel if they did?

    Anyway, just my thought... I think it's a really great poem honoringr them, and I know they will love it.
    | Posted on 2006-12-19 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      God bless you. let me just say that straight off... Parents diserve much more gratification than they get. This is a great peice that is both touching and at times humerous. two things i noticed are, that air and cared do rhyme... but barely, i like to stay away from those ed verbs... but thats up to you. another thing is that to me, and i may be wrong, it seems like the last stanza would flow better if you said "thank you, and we love you" but again, thats only my opinion, and my opinion could very easily be wrong.

    God bless you and your work

    ~Josh
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by cupajoe0 | [ Reply to This ]


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