Description: Something i'm working on. Please comment.
Would You -------------------------------------------
Would you like if I talk about your skin,
Would you like if I talk about the way you wear, your hair
Or should I talk about the way you get your manicare.
I'm that kind of guy
that will show up at your door
with roses and a teddy bear.
I might not know what love is
I might just be a fool
but I know what i'm feeling
when it comes to you.
this is so cute. i like it a lot. you really know how to write from the heart. and whoever this girl your writing about, well shes lucky to have a boyy like you. i think although short its better than anything long ive read. this is a fav. fer sher. veryy good. love it.good job. i want to see more of this. =] <3
I think this is a sweet sentiment, that you want to please your love and are trying to find topics of conversation that might get her attention. The dwelling on her looks though might give her the idea that either you ( or she) is interested in appearances,--so though a sincere compliment is always well-taken, dwelling on her outward physical attractiveness might be taken as shallow on your part, or that you think she is obsessed with appearances and therefore herself is pretty superficial . (Beauty is only “skin deep” remember)
Other than that perspective, you can lose the comma after “wear” in L2, and correct manicare to manicure
The description of yourself was very appealing, expressing a tender caring attitude, and these lines would read more smoothly by eliminating the repeated “that” This is a very straightforward honest write, and you want it to flow withpout a hitch.
” I'm the kind of guy who will show up at your door with roses and a teddy bear.”
The conclusion shows your complete heartfelt feelings, and overall, — the object of your attention should be delighted to receive your poem. I think this works well as a poem , though I don’t feel it is very lyrical, --the rhytym (to me at least) doesn’t make for a song, and it is rather short.
“I might not know what love is I might just be a fool but I know what I’m feeling when it comes to you.”