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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Would Youdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: theman
    ASL Info:    21/m/mn
    Elite Ratio:    3.52 - 496/478/149
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Lyrics/Love
    Total Views: 655
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 416



    Description:
       Something i'm working on. Please comment.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsWould Youdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Would you like if I talk about your skin,
    Would you like if I talk about the way you wear, your hair
    Or should I talk about the way you get your manicare.
    I'm that kind of guy
    that will show up at your door
    with roses and a teddy bear.
    I might not know what love is
    I might just be a fool
    but I know what i'm feeling
    when it comes to you.




    Submitted on 2006-12-18 20:40:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      this is so cute. i like it a lot. you really know how to write from the heart. and whoever this girl your writing about, well shes lucky to have a boyy like you. i think although short its better than anything long ive read. this is a fav. fer sher. veryy good. love it.good job. i want to see more of this. =] <3
    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by bleedinbabygrl8 | [ Reply to This ]
      I think this is a sweet sentiment, that you want to please your love and are trying to find topics of conversation that might get her attention. The dwelling on her looks though might give her the idea that either you ( or she) is interested in appearances,--so though a sincere compliment is always well-taken, dwelling on her outward physical attractiveness might be taken as shallow on your part, or that you think she is obsessed with appearances and therefore herself is pretty superficial . (Beauty is only “skin deep” remember)

    Other than that perspective, you can lose the comma after “wear” in L2, and correct manicare to manicure


    The description of yourself was very appealing, expressing a tender caring attitude, and these lines would read more smoothly by eliminating the repeated “that” This is a very straightforward honest write, and you want it to flow withpout a hitch.

    I'm the kind of guy
    who will show up at your door
    with roses and a teddy bear.


    The conclusion shows your complete heartfelt feelings, and overall, — the object of your attention should be delighted to receive your poem. I think this works well as a poem , though I don’t feel it is very lyrical, --the rhytym (to me at least) doesn’t make for a song, and it is rather short.

    I might not know what love is
    I might just be a fool
    but I know what I’m feeling
    when it comes to you.


    Sweet

    Silver
    | Posted on 2006-12-19 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      i love this a lot. i read it in your journal and wanted to comment cause it's so sweet and squishy if you know what i mean. lovey dovey and it's adoreable....very refreshing.
    | Posted on 2006-12-18 00:00:00 | by shayla8911 | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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