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Silent winter morning


Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 139 /260 /173
Words: 80
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1257
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 553



Description:




Silent winter morning



It was a silent morning,
Every sound trapped by snow,
Sky shone with lamppost fireflies –
Fugitives of parachuting glow.

I fell in love, refused to admit it,
Tucked the feeling behind a glass pane,
Reluctant breathing of the fading shadows
Dyed the pleasing intensity of my name.

Into derelict lust and pigeons raiding
The timid sidewalks of a winter park,
I took my pledges to the vatic earth and withered
In hurricanes of resurrected dust.




Submitted on 2006-12-19 05:35:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  I like your wording on this, but i find the rhythm too choppy to even read properly.
I find myself having to stop and reread each line to try to get it to flow with the next.

Also themeaning feels choppy too at a second read.
The second stanza for example, you go from tucking away your feelings straight to a noncommital breathing with no apparent needing or following from the previous statements.

POetry is about beautiful words of which you have many here, but you also need to have a depth and meaning to them.
You need to make your reader understand your message.

I really can't tell what the entire story to this piece is I'm afraid
| Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]


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