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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Silent winter morningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.04 - 136/243/154
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 734
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 553



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSilent winter morningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was a silent morning,
    Every sound trapped by snow,
    Sky shone with lamppost fireflies &#8211;
    Fugitives of parachuting glow.

    I fell in love, refused to admit it,
    Tucked the feeling behind a glass pane,
    Reluctant breathing of the fading shadows
    Dyed the pleasing intensity of my name.

    Into derelict lust and pigeons raiding
    The timid sidewalks of a winter park,
    I took my pledges to the vatic earth and withered
    In hurricanes of resurrected dust.




    Submitted on 2006-12-19 05:35:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      I like your wording on this, but i find the rhythm too choppy to even read properly.
    I find myself having to stop and reread each line to try to get it to flow with the next.

    Also themeaning feels choppy too at a second read.
    The second stanza for example, you go from tucking away your feelings straight to a noncommital breathing with no apparent needing or following from the previous statements.

    POetry is about beautiful words of which you have many here, but you also need to have a depth and meaning to them.
    You need to make your reader understand your message.

    I really can't tell what the entire story to this piece is I'm afraid
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]


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