Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Silent winter morningdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: expiring_touch
    ASL Info:    26/f/Hamburg
    Elite Ratio:    4.03 - 136/243/156
    Words: 80
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 761
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 553



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSilent winter morningdots
    -------------------------------------------


    It was a silent morning,
    Every sound trapped by snow,
    Sky shone with lamppost fireflies &#8211;
    Fugitives of parachuting glow.

    I fell in love, refused to admit it,
    Tucked the feeling behind a glass pane,
    Reluctant breathing of the fading shadows
    Dyed the pleasing intensity of my name.

    Into derelict lust and pigeons raiding
    The timid sidewalks of a winter park,
    I took my pledges to the vatic earth and withered
    In hurricanes of resurrected dust.




    Submitted on 2006-12-19 05:35:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I like your wording on this, but i find the rhythm too choppy to even read properly.
    I find myself having to stop and reread each line to try to get it to flow with the next.

    Also themeaning feels choppy too at a second read.
    The second stanza for example, you go from tucking away your feelings straight to a noncommital breathing with no apparent needing or following from the previous statements.

    POetry is about beautiful words of which you have many here, but you also need to have a depth and meaning to them.
    You need to make your reader understand your message.

    I really can't tell what the entire story to this piece is I'm afraid
    | Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    129296

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Cosmic Dreams written by Chelebel
    prison written by ShyOne
    World I No Longer Want written by ForgottenGraves
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (final) written by endlessgame23
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Fasade written by jackz
    The Severed Head written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (6) written by endlessgame23
    Alone in the Crowd written by SavedDragon
    Sunset written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    written by Daniel Barlow
    Red Barn written by rev.jpfadeproof
    written by Daniel Barlow
    descent written by TheBadSadMan
    Push written by JanePlane
    Sleep Talk written by Queen_of_spades
    4th of July written by layDsayD
    Primitive Lapse written by Crestfallenman
    Neither Here nor There written by layDsayD
    Physician, Heal Thyself written by WriteSomething
    AI written by poetotoe
    Whiteout written by layDsayD
    True Death written by layDsayD
    Or are we written in the sand? written by Chelebel
    Waiting written by Daniel Barlow
    More then just goodbye written by faideddarkness
    Blood Stains Are The Worst written by ForgottenGraves
    Love written by saartha
    Supernatural Cowboy Sleuth (4) written by endlessgame23

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry