Sign up to EliteSkills

Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

Silent winter morning

Author: expiring_touch
ASL Info:    30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:    3.91 - 139 /260 /173
Words: 80
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 1257
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 553


Silent winter morning

It was a silent morning,
Every sound trapped by snow,
Sky shone with lamppost fireflies –
Fugitives of parachuting glow.

I fell in love, refused to admit it,
Tucked the feeling behind a glass pane,
Reluctant breathing of the fading shadows
Dyed the pleasing intensity of my name.

Into derelict lust and pigeons raiding
The timid sidewalks of a winter park,
I took my pledges to the vatic earth and withered
In hurricanes of resurrected dust.

Submitted on 2006-12-19 05:35:34     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!


  I like your wording on this, but i find the rhythm too choppy to even read properly.
I find myself having to stop and reread each line to try to get it to flow with the next.

Also themeaning feels choppy too at a second read.
The second stanza for example, you go from tucking away your feelings straight to a noncommital breathing with no apparent needing or following from the previous statements.

POetry is about beautiful words of which you have many here, but you also need to have a depth and meaning to them.
You need to make your reader understand your message.

I really can't tell what the entire story to this piece is I'm afraid
| Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]

Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?