Silent winter morning by expiring

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Submission Name: Silent winter morning dots

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Author:	expiring_touch
ASL Info:	30/f/Hamburg
Elite Ratio:	4.03 - 137/243/158
Words:	80

Class/Type:	Poetry/Love
Total Views:	776
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	553

Description:

Silent winter morning dots

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It was a silent morning,
Every sound trapped by snow,
Sky shone with lamppost fireflies –
Fugitives of parachuting glow.

I fell in love, refused to admit it,
Tucked the feeling behind a glass pane,
Reluctant breathing of the fading shadows
Dyed the pleasing intensity of my name.

Into derelict lust and pigeons raiding
The timid sidewalks of a winter park,
I took my pledges to the vatic earth and withered
In hurricanes of resurrected dust.

Submitted on 2006-12-19 05:35:34 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
I like your wording on this, but i find the rhythm too choppy to even read properly.
I find myself having to stop and reread each line to try to get it to flow with the next.

Also themeaning feels choppy too at a second read.
The second stanza for example, you go from tucking away your feelings straight to a noncommital breathing with no apparent needing or following from the previous statements.

POetry is about beautiful words of which you have many here, but you also need to have a depth and meaning to them.
You need to make your reader understand your message.

I really can't tell what the entire story to this piece is I'm afraid
| Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]

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Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3 It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
It means a lot to them, as it does to you.