it sounds kinda odd to me.
the makes death a noun instead of a verb i guess. so instead of experiencing death you are almost wanting to own death.
i guess at least theres consistency throughout the piece with that idea because you are asking to be given death for christmas...
i think it was too short too.
you didnt put enough of yourself into this piece and you didnt give the reader any plausible reason why you should be deserving a gift for christmas let alone death.
i mean... on the scale of things this is quite a big ask so it needs to be founded somehow...
you need some imagery. real imagery. not just bleeding tears. you gotta give the reader cause to believe you... cause to want to save you... cause to give you what it is you want if necessary. right now you arent saying anything. there is very little feeling in the piece. its just words on a page really...
im sure you can do better
i hope you didnt get death for christmas and no longer want it.
Hmm...seems to be a little void of emotion. I like the title/first line, but the rest, to me, is like .... "What? What is that?" Not quite sure what I'm supposed to be thinking or anything. You know what, though, I think it'd be a good start to something. So that's my main piece of advice (sorry, it's crappy advice) - make it longer.
I rather enjoyed this piece. It completely explains my joy of eating toilet paper. You see, when I get nervous, I eat toilet paper and try to regergitate it up with the aid of drano. I like drano the best because roto rooter seems to stop me up. Do you like pink polka dots. I do. Have you ever made an acquatinance with a sheep dog polyp. I had one squirt in my eye once. Bet you didn't know that, huh, mr. smarty pants. Do you like the warmth of pee in your pants? I like it best in the winter. Especially, when I go out in the snow with only my whitey tighty's on. I did it so much one winter, I literally peed in my socks. You have a soul, too? I have one, it's covered with blue polka dots. I'm trying to get them to turn pink, but I can't find anyone who knows how to do that. I even tried ebay. Nothing. Wish I could write more, but I have to poo now. Also, before I prairie dog any further, that other guy/girl who posted needs to quit going to suicidal poetry if he/she doesn't like it. It's that simple. Even I know that!! Duh!!! Well, enjoy, I know I am, since I took to long with this last bit. Mmmm, squishy. Bouncy, bouncy. ohhh, warm. bye now.
Um, to be honest, it was just too short for me to even actively judge this. And really, I'm just getting tired of reading depressed/suicidal poetry. Sorry the comment can't be of more help. Check out my work please when you get a chance.