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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Starry Dark Blue Winter's Moondots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: pioneerheart
    Elite Ratio:    4.6 - 190/178/112
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 115
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 704



    Description:
       a poem from pomona from me to u


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStarry Dark Blue Winter's Moondots
    -------------------------------------------


    I think of things, I dare not speak of
    My mind reels, while men march in distant lands
    And, we're a secret society; the pathetic
    Quivering in the cold, treacherous, night
    Wondering why our thoughts guide us
    To open, blooming, fields or dead, alley ends
    I hunger for tempting, apples
    Whilst, the serpent writhers through a lie
    Smiles and extends a false start
    No more disappointments,
    Because, here in Pomona; land of agriculture
    The sounds echo through and bounce off
    Old hotels with broken windows
    Whilst, I dream of swinging off some fire escape
    In a starry, dark, blue Winter's moon




    Submitted on 2006-12-20 20:29:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      thank you for the feedback to my poem. I appreciate the tip on the punctuations and the analysis of the poem overall. But, I have to ask a question; is it wrong to isolate a reader, esp. right away. I'm not trying to defend my standing as a writer, merely out of wanting to know, only because this poem is about walking alone in a city an almost eerie atmosphere and how my subconcious is the only companion, so I felt isolation was necessary. Also, in my opinion, I feel the pathetic are more or less a secret society only because most won't admit to being members. Thanks again, for the the good critique. Merry Christmas & have a Happy New Year! xo lilham
    | Posted on 2006-12-24 00:00:00 | by pioneerheart | [ Reply to This ]
      Consider Revising: need punctuation (pardon my hypocrisies). The beginning of every sentence is capitalized and that is a no-no. The first line: ‘I think of things I dare not speak,’ well this isolates the reader right away. Is the character thinking about under age drinking? Under age sex? ‘we’re a secret society’ how big is the society? How old are the members? Are they poor? Do they smoke? Specifics…’sounds echo through’ what sounds? You get the idea.

    Praises: I can feel a scene here but I can’t see it clearly. I do like the second to last line ‘dream of swinging off some fire escape.’ The last line had the specifics we need. It even named the poem. ‘writhers through a lie’ was a very fluid sentence that I liked.

    Overall: (C-) due to the lack of specifics but it does seem like a solid start. Now I don’t think you need to dumb this piece down so I can understand it, but do be aware that if the reader doesn’t get your scene, you may have failed as a writer.

    As always, art is the wide open sky and its what YOU think that matters.

    Art Lives!
    tj
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]



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