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    dots Submission Name: Dear Jack *re-newed*dots

    Author: Toxic_Rayne
    ASL Info:    18/f/a happier place
    Elite Ratio:    4.7 - 1314/1095/162
    Words: 361
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1266
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 2580

       this was my first poem I ever wrote, I decided to freshen it up...see what differences I could make without straying too far from the original...tell me if you think I did okay...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDear Jack *re-newed*dots

    Dear Jack,
    Hey, it's me again
    I feel alone
    and without friend.
    I hope you're well,
    that life where you are,
    is perfectly swell...

    I kneel here today
    thinking of what
    you would say

    I'm just here to tell you
    it's yet another sunny day

    here without you...

    Yet everyday contrasts my mood
    Because I sit around
    And mop and brood

    I loved you Jack...
    I fear that I still do
    Why'd you leave me Jack?
    Why'd you make my world go black?

    My family says that I'll pull through
    They smile and laugh
    and say I'll get over you
    They say that what happened
    Simply comes with life
    but if that's true...
    I can't deal with the strife
    They say I should go to counselling
    But I don't think I will...
    My doctor agrees with them...
    and has put me on pills

    The pain is throbbing inside my heart
    Questions swarm likes bees...
    like wind through spring trees...

    Why were we torn apart?

    Why'd you have to leave?

    I sometimes think you're still here
    I hear a whisper...
    a voice on the wind

    It's all to good to believe
    I guess my mind's out to decieve

    We agreed that this would be over,
    that this hell would end...
    that this worry would cease...
    that our hearts could mend

    I sit here with flower in hand...
    It's colors are vibrant...
    but to me it's ugly, bland...
    I pluck off its petals...
    Not sure what to wish for...
    The only thing I want
    is for you to walk through that door

    I longed to hear the chime of bells
    To hear choir's voices ringing
    To hear the blue bird's singing...

    Now I loathe the bell that tolls
    To hear the bands's music stinging...
    To hear the black bird's singing...


    Jack, I'm leaving this note...
    pinned to your grave...
    You served your country...
    you were brave...

    My dear beloved...

    my hope...

    ...My Jack...

    I came here to say I still love you...
    I just wanted you to know that...

    Submitted on 2006-12-20 21:33:53     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      o wow thats aussome! and very sad I thought u just broke up with Jack in the poem but I didnt think he died..very good I loved it!
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by Northern_light | [ Reply to This ]
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by His goth child | [ Reply to This ]
      this is a heart breaking piece.
    i wanna say that it could be refined even more... that you could quite possibly make it even sharper than it is but wow...

    as i read this i was very aware of the events of my own life and the significance of this tuesday just past...
    you see... close to 3 years ago the boy i loved most of all ended his own life... it wasnt in a valiant war like that of Jacks life but it was in a war [with himself] and it was a fight he lost...
    obviously it was a very hard thing to work though and there have been many tears about it and i have written many pieces about it and yeah...
    anyways... tuesday... i was in town trying to get my christmas shopping done and i saw the date somewhere... im not sure where i was but i knew that i should know that date and that it held some significance to me but it took me a while to realise that it should have been my boys birthday... there was a lil pang of missing but i think what struck me most was that it wasnt the whole focus of my life like every significant anniversary we shared had been up til now... i guess its a sign of moving on... they told me it would happen and i never believed them but now almost 3 years down the track here i am saying maybe its kinda happening almost... but moving on is never forgetting... never never never is it forgetting.

    so i guess what im trying to say is that i identify with this piece.

    id be interested to see if you could get the same emotion through but try to change it more... deviate from the original words... feel the feelings and put them into the words they demand... dont try to be eloquent and poetic... be real and true and see where it gets you...

    if you do decide to change this any do let me know... id be interested to see or even help...

    thank you for posting this.
    | Posted on 2006-12-20 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

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