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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: March of the Snowflakesdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 188
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 659
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1353



    Description:
       just me trying something new, something a little different. i really don't know how i feel about this one yet. i do however, feel great about a new little short story/fairy tale i am now going to write that has flowered from this piece.

    mentioned in the poem are two distinct creatures that i have imagined and created, tell me what you think of their brief description...



    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMarch of the Snowflakesdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Frozen filigree forms march forthwith
    from the plentiful bosom
    of the metallic white evening
    Nimble as an invading Roman legion
    Forged from the blazing frost-
    Winters own heart beat

    Concealed Divine hand hammers the intricacy
    of their fearsome design
    upon the anvil of the polar winds
    Like a bladesmith pattern welding
    a double edged sword
    Autumn’s milky jugular pierced
    by the descending infantry of flakes

    Relentless is the blizzard of their advancement
    The chill crashing against pudgy rose-hued faces
    (as a spoiled child stomping the floor in rebellion)
    Billows laying siege to the battlements of stern brows

    Myriads of infinitesimal snow seraphs
    penetrate the icy squall
    Their ferocious fluorescent wings
    thrashing in austere defiance
    against the flaming solar fairies
    The seraphs wield their ice scepters deftly
    Plunging them into the coarse scales
    of the fairies dragon cavalry
    Thus raged the battle-

    The war for elemental dominance
    of a solitary jasmine petal stiffened and frosted
    by the magnificent marching of the snowflakes








    Submitted on 2006-12-21 00:35:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think I just got what or whom was fighting in that battle. I feel stupid now. what would be the worst enemy for snow?? The sun. so i guess those solar (hello) fairies are sun rays? I should know. I live in Africa where the sun is even our enemy. Hahahaha!!!! Hey, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. Just wanted to say that I got this when I read through it once again. Even dragon should have been clue enough. Fire breathing - heat.... Ja wat. Ek is maar sommer net onnosel.

    check you later.
    K
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      I must admit, I’m not sure about this “Billows laying blockade to the battlements of stern brow”. Does it mean, that no matter how hard one tries not to frown or keep ones eyes open, the snow has the upper hand?? Any way, you don’t have to explain if you’re not up to that. The poetry is open to interpretation, right?? Haha!!

    “A huge number of minute snow angels” is what I understand from the beginning of the fourth. Seraphs according to Word, is an angel said to have six wings. I suppose the six being the relevant word here. Or am I grasping at things that are not there? I always see more than there is to see. Or might it, in this case, be less. Hahaha!!! Stanza four sounds like a battle going on. I am left a bit confused. So many words I have to look up and have to fit to the context in which they are used.

    Beautiful ending to what I think is a remarkable poem. A lot of words I had to look up, but that’s ok. Or is it. I think when one encounters poetry or any form of literature that has too many “grab the dictionary” words in the text, it tends to put people off from reading them. But I suppose that if you are really interested in reading it, you would.

    Any way, that’s my take on things.
    Check you later.

    Happy 2007 for you and your family.

    Kritzman
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      Hey Rev

    It’s sad that I live in Africa, where I will probably never see snow. Hahahahaha!!!!!
    But you’re imagery is so great that I feel like I am standing there watching this happen. I especially like the first stanza. I would never have thought to phrase things like this. Great job.

    Concealed Divine hands… I particularly like that. It really makes one think about things.
    I would suggest though that you join pattern-welding. Reading it loose as it is does cause some confusion. Confusion is mainly cause of the omission of a comma, but putting in a comma would ruin the flow and writing style.

    I must admit I do not know what is meant with “Autumn’s milky jugular pierced
    by the descending infantry of flakes” as of pierced I understand, but the first bit is not clear. Perhaps one should be there to appreciate it. Here Autumn is just a bunch of bare trees and a breeze with a chill.

    I have to get back to work. I’ll get back to this again.
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by K | [ Reply to This ]
      And life is so short for them, only in numbers will they make a difference. But they must keep their uniqueness to constitute the wholeness God desires of his flock. So I see your metaphor very clearly by approaching this from the last stanza to find theme.

    Wow, I should have said it first, it's gorgeous! But i didn't want to lose that thought. I make these impressionsitic comments up and seldom look at any others before i begin to write. I sit inside the blizzard of ideas until I clearly see. I have a few ideas and they are below..

    (The) concealed Divine hand hammers the intricacy
    of their fearsome design
    upon the anvil of the polar winds
    Like a bladesmith pattern welding
    a double edged sword
    Autumn’s milky jugular pierced
    by the descending infantry of flakes

    I think Divine should be in caps and I would use The because it gives a smoother lead in, and makes my ear tune into the words to come...

    And then you give us the child's anticipation of joy in the next strophe, it brings back sweet memories too. But this is where you
    earn your gold star for mythology and fantasy but with your special brand of crafting involved, nice work!


    Myriads of infinitesimal snow seraphs
    penetrate the icy squall
    Their ferocious fluorescent wings
    thrashing in austere defiance
    against the flaming solar fairies
    The seraphs wield their ice scepters deftly
    Plunging them into the coarse scales
    of the fairies dragon cavalry
    Thus raged the battle-

    I think it's cold here and I've played in the snow long enough,
    thanks for the images, and sharing with us,

    Nan

    | Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      i really feel inadequate as i comment (as i normally do) but i will insert my feeble sense here...

    Frozen filigree forms march forthwith
    from the plentiful bosom
    of the metallic white evening
    Nimble as an invading Roman legion
    Forged from the blazing frost-
    Winters own heart beat


    you could have left it at this and i would have walked away satisfied.

    i love how you have used fierce and heavy comparisons against the delicate and frail snowflakes. it really brought to life these unnoticed and unheeded creatures. i love the whole battle of the snow against the "solar fairies"... how the winter is fighting to thrive against the sun.

    you really can go so many places with this and create either more poems that stem from these ideas and expand on them or even make a short story with the whole concept. i think that it would make a good childrens book. maybe you could write it and i could illustrate... *wink*wink*

    i also see that you have acquired quite the fan club here..

    / / / /



    anyway, i love you. i love listening to your intricate ideas and seeing them come to life. i love being apart of the process. whether that be standing over your shoulder in expectancy or helping you spell a word... teehee... keep writing lovely.
    | Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
      Ingenius! This is a totally different outlook on the common snowflake that we all have come to know. I see a different side of the snowflake that may see a bit barbaric in the sense of the march, however, it all comes back to its beauty and delicacy, and seems more like a restoration for those "rose-hued faces" on the ground..like liberation of those people. The patterns of the snowflake are mesmorizing to me, and you did a wonderful job describing it intricately.

    I loved the idea of the Roman Legion, because it was carried so well throughout the poem:

    "Like a bladesmith pattern welding
    a double edged sword"

    I needn't comment on this. It's already said of how brilliant it is right in the lines!

    "Relentless is the blizzard of their advancement
    The chill crashing against pudgy rose-hued faces
    (as a spoiled child stomping the floor in rebellion)
    Billows laying siege to the battlements of stern brows"

    I see the imagery of war in this but it all, again, comes back to the snowflake.

    My favorite line was:

    "Their ferocious fluorescent wings
    thrashing in austere defiance
    against the flaming solar fairies "

    I love that...I feel such an angelic prescence in those lines fighting evil. It's such a different take on the snowflake that is not perceivable by the eye itself...you really have to be imaginative to think of it that way, and from the looks of it, it can look like that.

    "The war for elemental dominance
    of a solitary jasmine petal stiffened and frosted
    by the magnificent marching of the snowflakes"

    I can't ask for a more beautiful finale. Even though the dominance of the snow seemed a bit harsh, it all comes down to the snowflake and its promising restoration.

    Wonderful job . Again, I would encourage you to seriously think about publishing, because I love reading your poems. You are certainly gifted and wise and I visit your page daily. It makes my day

    Merry Christmas,

    Nadia


    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by darkrose16 | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello Paul, i do like this its very descriptive and i love the characters the flaming solar fairies etc.
    Love to see them in this story you are writing.
    I love the picture too any chance of sending a copy to me?.
    A little nit picking and only a little!
    with some commers and full stops this will bring even more life to the already full lines example
    'Frozen filigree forms march forwith,
    from the plentiful blossom.' It gives the reader time to stop and look at the picture that you have weaved and then time to move on.
    Apart from that i thoroughly enjoyed this poem
    and will read it time and time again.

    Wishing a Very Merry Christmas and AHappy New Year
    Colin Douglas.
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by Colin Douglas | [ Reply to This ]
      Consider Revising: punctuation errors – you don’t have any periods anywhere. Seems nit-picky but it is important. Reason I say this, is because you we don’t know exactly where a new sentence begins and my instincts tell me this piece may be ‘overspiced’ with adjectives. I never tell anyone that – usually if I mention adjectives, its because someone is lacking them. L6 – Winter’s.

    Praises: Maybe the most descriptive vocabulary I have ever seen on ES. The piece is rich with imagination and analogy –‘roman legions,’ ‘flaming solar fairies,’ ‘solitary jasmine,’ ‘seraphs weild their ice scepters deftly,’ almost every line has a powerful description in it.

    Overall: B (a pretty high grade from me – I am somewhat critical). The strength of the piece is its descriptive vocabulary. The weakness of the piece is it goes overboard. Sometimes, a writer will try to inflate a weak idea with beautiful language – not saying that’s what your doing here, but it seems like this piece is simply describing the incoming winter – in a very dramatic fashion. And I just don’t think that the event warrants roman legions and war. Beautiful description, but not applicable to this piece. I know I’m sounding contradictory, but I did find the piece enjoyable.

    As always, its what YOU think that matters.

    Art Lives!
    tj
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]


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