Description: just me trying something new, something a little different. i really don't know how i feel about this one yet. i do however, feel great about a new little short story/fairy tale i am now going to write that has flowered from this piece.
mentioned in the poem are two distinct creatures that i have imagined and created, tell me what you think of their brief description...
March of the Snowflakes -------------------------------------------
Frozen filigree forms march forthwith
from the plentiful bosom
of the metallic white evening
Nimble as an invading Roman legion
Forged from the blazing frost-
Winters own heart beat
Concealed Divine hand hammers the intricacy
of their fearsome design
upon the anvil of the polar winds
Like a bladesmith pattern welding
a double edged sword
Autumn’s milky jugular pierced
by the descending infantry of flakes
Relentless is the blizzard of their advancement
The chill crashing against pudgy rose-hued faces
(as a spoiled child stomping the floor in rebellion)
Billows laying siege to the battlements of stern brows
Myriads of infinitesimal snow seraphs
penetrate the icy squall
Their ferocious fluorescent wings
thrashing in austere defiance
against the flaming solar fairies
The seraphs wield their ice scepters deftly
Plunging them into the coarse scales
of the fairies dragon cavalry
Thus raged the battle-
The war for elemental dominance
of a solitary jasmine petal stiffened and frosted
by the magnificent marching of the snowflakes
I think I just got what or whom was fighting in that battle. I feel stupid now. what would be the worst enemy for snow?? The sun. so i guess those solar (hello) fairies are sun rays? I should know. I live in Africa where the sun is even our enemy. Hahahaha!!!! Hey, but i wouldn't trade it for anything. Just wanted to say that I got this when I read through it once again. Even dragon should have been clue enough. Fire breathing - heat.... Ja wat. Ek is maar sommer net onnosel.
I must admit, I’m not sure about this “Billows laying blockade to the battlements of stern brow”. Does it mean, that no matter how hard one tries not to frown or keep ones eyes open, the snow has the upper hand?? Any way, you don’t have to explain if you’re not up to that. The poetry is open to interpretation, right?? Haha!!
“A huge number of minute snow angels” is what I understand from the beginning of the fourth. Seraphs according to Word, is an angel said to have six wings. I suppose the six being the relevant word here. Or am I grasping at things that are not there? I always see more than there is to see. Or might it, in this case, be less. Hahaha!!! Stanza four sounds like a battle going on. I am left a bit confused. So many words I have to look up and have to fit to the context in which they are used.
Beautiful ending to what I think is a remarkable poem. A lot of words I had to look up, but that’s ok. Or is it. I think when one encounters poetry or any form of literature that has too many “grab the dictionary” words in the text, it tends to put people off from reading them. But I suppose that if you are really interested in reading it, you would.
Any way, that’s my take on things. Check you later.
It’s sad that I live in Africa, where I will probably never see snow. Hahahahaha!!!!! But you’re imagery is so great that I feel like I am standing there watching this happen. I especially like the first stanza. I would never have thought to phrase things like this. Great job.
Concealed Divine hands… I particularly like that. It really makes one think about things. I would suggest though that you join pattern-welding. Reading it loose as it is does cause some confusion. Confusion is mainly cause of the omission of a comma, but putting in a comma would ruin the flow and writing style.
I must admit I do not know what is meant with “Autumn’s milky jugular pierced by the descending infantry of flakes” as of pierced I understand, but the first bit is not clear. Perhaps one should be there to appreciate it. Here Autumn is just a bunch of bare trees and a breeze with a chill.
I have to get back to work. I’ll get back to this again.
And life is so short for them, only in numbers will they make a difference. But they must keep their uniqueness to constitute the wholeness God desires of his flock. So I see your metaphor very clearly by approaching this from the last stanza to find theme.
Wow, I should have said it first, it's gorgeous! But i didn't want to lose that thought. I make these impressionsitic comments up and seldom look at any others before i begin to write. I sit inside the blizzard of ideas until I clearly see. I have a few ideas and they are below..
(The) concealed Divine hand hammers the intricacy of their fearsome design upon the anvil of the polar winds Like a bladesmith pattern welding a double edged sword Autumn’s milky jugular pierced by the descending infantry of flakes
I think Divine should be in caps and I would use The because it gives a smoother lead in, and makes my ear tune into the words to come...
And then you give us the child's anticipation of joy in the next strophe, it brings back sweet memories too. But this is where you earn your gold star for mythology and fantasy but with your special brand of crafting involved, nice work!
Myriads of infinitesimal snow seraphs penetrate the icy squall Their ferocious fluorescent wings thrashing in austere defiance against the flaming solar fairies The seraphs wield their ice scepters deftly Plunging them into the coarse scales of the fairies dragon cavalry Thus raged the battle-
I think it's cold here and I've played in the snow long enough, thanks for the images, and sharing with us,
i really feel inadequate as i comment (as i normally do) but i will insert my feeble sense here...
Frozen filigree forms march forthwith from the plentiful bosom of the metallic white evening Nimble as an invading Roman legion Forged from the blazing frost- Winters own heart beat
you could have left it at this and i would have walked away satisfied.
i love how you have used fierce and heavy comparisons against the delicate and frail snowflakes. it really brought to life these unnoticed and unheeded creatures. i love the whole battle of the snow against the "solar fairies"... how the winter is fighting to thrive against the sun.
you really can go so many places with this and create either more poems that stem from these ideas and expand on them or even make a short story with the whole concept. i think that it would make a good childrens book. maybe you could write it and i could illustrate... *wink*wink*
i also see that you have acquired quite the fan club here..
/ / / /
anyway, i love you. i love listening to your intricate ideas and seeing them come to life. i love being apart of the process. whether that be standing over your shoulder in expectancy or helping you spell a word... teehee... keep writing lovely.
Ingenius! This is a totally different outlook on the common snowflake that we all have come to know. I see a different side of the snowflake that may see a bit barbaric in the sense of the march, however, it all comes back to its beauty and delicacy, and seems more like a restoration for those "rose-hued faces" on the ground..like liberation of those people. The patterns of the snowflake are mesmorizing to me, and you did a wonderful job describing it intricately.
I loved the idea of the Roman Legion, because it was carried so well throughout the poem:
"Like a bladesmith pattern welding a double edged sword"
I needn't comment on this. It's already said of how brilliant it is right in the lines!
"Relentless is the blizzard of their advancement The chill crashing against pudgy rose-hued faces (as a spoiled child stomping the floor in rebellion) Billows laying siege to the battlements of stern brows"
I see the imagery of war in this but it all, again, comes back to the snowflake.
My favorite line was:
"Their ferocious fluorescent wings thrashing in austere defiance against the flaming solar fairies "
I love that...I feel such an angelic prescence in those lines fighting evil. It's such a different take on the snowflake that is not perceivable by the eye itself...you really have to be imaginative to think of it that way, and from the looks of it, it can look like that.
"The war for elemental dominance of a solitary jasmine petal stiffened and frosted by the magnificent marching of the snowflakes"
I can't ask for a more beautiful finale. Even though the dominance of the snow seemed a bit harsh, it all comes down to the snowflake and its promising restoration.
Wonderful job . Again, I would encourage you to seriously think about publishing, because I love reading your poems. You are certainly gifted and wise and I visit your page daily. It makes my day
Hello Paul, i do like this its very descriptive and i love the characters the flaming solar fairies etc. Love to see them in this story you are writing. I love the picture too any chance of sending a copy to me?. A little nit picking and only a little! with some commers and full stops this will bring even more life to the already full lines example 'Frozen filigree forms march forwith, from the plentiful blossom.' It gives the reader time to stop and look at the picture that you have weaved and then time to move on. Apart from that i thoroughly enjoyed this poem and will read it time and time again.
Wishing a Very Merry Christmas and AHappy New Year Colin Douglas.
Consider Revising: punctuation errors – you don’t have any periods anywhere. Seems nit-picky but it is important. Reason I say this, is because you we don’t know exactly where a new sentence begins and my instincts tell me this piece may be ‘overspiced’ with adjectives. I never tell anyone that – usually if I mention adjectives, its because someone is lacking them. L6 – Winter’s.
Praises: Maybe the most descriptive vocabulary I have ever seen on ES. The piece is rich with imagination and analogy –‘roman legions,’ ‘flaming solar fairies,’ ‘solitary jasmine,’ ‘seraphs weild their ice scepters deftly,’ almost every line has a powerful description in it.
Overall: B (a pretty high grade from me – I am somewhat critical). The strength of the piece is its descriptive vocabulary. The weakness of the piece is it goes overboard. Sometimes, a writer will try to inflate a weak idea with beautiful language – not saying that’s what your doing here, but it seems like this piece is simply describing the incoming winter – in a very dramatic fashion. And I just don’t think that the event warrants roman legions and war. Beautiful description, but not applicable to this piece. I know I’m sounding contradictory, but I did find the piece enjoyable.