Love it, sat me on the edge. I think yould relate well to some of my work but lost my account so nothing posted as yet.
Back to your brilliant piece . . .
Love the blood on plaster imagery. For me this stanza is the true hook in heart. Can imagine myself doing this in a moment of craziness. It holds such resourceful beauty too. What else is an artist to do when confined in an enclosed space.
Also appreciate the dryness. When in such a place our soul is starved and our very essence being water what else could allow the reader to identify as well?
My only critisism applies to
'slithering in a dry stream'
The first four lines depict a powder like dryness, I can't imagine how anything could slither in such a dry bed. Slithering suggests a mud like consistancy to me. A snakes movement. Perhaps I'm missing something in this line?
Sacred cow is perfect for the matron. Gives a great over-all picture of her power and distateful personality.
I suppose you've summed up an irony marked by the season well enough. & not that I'm trying to totally knock x-mas (intentionally), but it's the season more suicides occur than any other time of year...
but on the brightside, those who've survived x-mas can look forward to a brand new year.
Be honest: Incredible mind you have to paint such a vivid picture of one who is literally imprisoned and figuratively stripped of their freedom within self.
No compliments: Well, it is an outstanding peace...How can one go without saying so...it would preposterous!
How did it make me feel? It took me to the mind of a troubled soul or perhaps a person who has been twisted because of a cruel upbringing during childhood. The saddness and reality that screams out to society in silence which many refuse to hear. Why this feeling? Your word usage is impeccable...really. Every word is carefully placed...so meticulously chosen as does a painter with colors and structure.
Every part I love especially the italics which added an emphasis on your piece.
No distractions...are you kidding me?!?!?!?!?!?
Unclear... that word shouldn't exist when you write seriously... I am inspired all the time with your work. I haven't read them all, but each one is unique and expressive.
No imporvements and nothing should be done differently...it is a masterpiece.
Original is an understatement... UNIQUE is more like it.
Truly have interpreted the ugliness of this world and how people endure it.
Maybe it's my twisted warped humor that finds this piece so delightful, but oh how I do enjoy it! They say that you can't BE crazy if you KNOW you're crazy, but I argue that... Because if you KNOW you're crazy, but you're sane enough to realize it, it just makes you even crazier, because you are torn between the acts of madness and that disjointed 3rd-party observation thing that makes you study yourself, and that always adds the extra inner voices to further complicate the situation...
I loved the reference to finding Madonna in the stained smudged plaster (so schizo, it just gives me happy shivers!) and that disembodied realization that the annoying screaming in the background is really coming from the body you're sharing with the screamer... "the matron is a sacred cow" gives me the impression of the white-clad head nurse, sending everyone (invisible orderlies) on their missions while she sits on her fat ass with a big shelf of stuffed flabby breasts tied up above her waist-line, quietly in a fluorescent shrine of a "station" like a Buddha in the background... the poster-example of "sanity" and sainthood in a white paper hat...
This is very intresting. It is thought provocking and just plain intrting. the flow of the etire pice is realy nice. This was so much diffrent than what i had intialy thought when beging to read it. This was realy awsome becouse it was diffrent from the standards which gives it its own uniqueness. Great work keep it up!
Sounds like your Xmas season is a bit...uh, tense? You obviously need to spend more time in a mall wrestling with some big mamas over some piece of half-priced crap – much better than psy ward 6. Matron as sacred cow is a great line. As for the idiot-savant, he probably doesn’t miss the sweetness he can’t imagine – never been there, therefore can’t miss it. Oh did I mention, Merry Xmas. fred
Strong and thought provoking, the form worked well even with short lines, each line still holding its own. To begin with a cliché' catch phrase of "going postal" I was almost turned away until the next few lines hooked me in and the rest did the poem more than justice. No suggestions, not even punctuation or capitalization which I'm usually fond of. Nice write. -mr.
Oh sorry I'm looking for my friend and you look like him, only he had little more dry rot around his brain.
this is sad, but so true, when people lose it they lose it big time. But I'm going for the theme here, not so much to qualify the insanity but to send good will. and why? Because if we are tethered in a system of love we can't do this. Well, let's just say it's harder, if we feel loved and not alienated, it doesn't happen very easily.
And the write, it's brilliant, but I worry about you,
well, this is certainly not what i had in mind hen i asked you to write a Christmas piece. however, i must admit that i was hoping for some twist.
this write really is psychotic. from the first line until the last i felt that i was on a roller coaster of emotions. very intriguing and dynamic thoughts were presented here. and to tie it all in to a idiot-savant's mind is quite breathtaking. dare i say shocking. well done indeed, sir. i enjoyed my visit to the 6th ward this Christmas. God i so desire that no person be found on the 6th floor on Christmas day... God bless you john-paul
You have a way of making someone with a really warped sense of humour (ie me) laugh, in particular this strophe: "you're not sick you're not sick out of bed, dammit my .45 says you're not sick rise or die kids" --I don't know why, but that image was so comic.
Before I forget, typo check on "tenderness" and "rousing". Tsk tsk lol.
This turns after your fourth strophe. Up until then, it's comic and fits the title of your poem perfectly. Then the last three turn inward and philosophical, comparing all of this to the inner workings of an idiot-savant's mind (and do you call yourself one in your last line? Just wondering). I don't mind the turn here, but for some it may be a bit abrupt and may need something else to connect this more fully. Just a thought.
But as always, pretty entertaining, and certainly no Christmas I'd like a part of lol.