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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Christmas In Ward 6dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rws
    ASL Info:    57/m/ohio
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 2777/1297/258
    Words: 189
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 849
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1494



    Description:
       simmering for days
    written in 10.675 minutes


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsChristmas In Ward 6dots
    -------------------------------------------


    if I were
    to go postal
    I'm certain it would
    be with the same timid
    juxtapositions as a suicidal
    man leaping from a basement
    window, hoping to fall
    upward to oblivion

    or it may be with the same
    tenderness as a bipolar
    mother fresh from military
    service shrieking at 6 am
    rousing her household
    with cries of

    'you're not sick
    you're not sick
    out of bed, dammit
    my .45 says
    you're not sick
    rise or die kids'


    I may find lovely
    lineations layered on the walls
    flecks of blood painting
    an obscure Madonna
    in the smudge
    the plaster made
    the last time I tried
    to burn this madhouse down

    the matron is a sacred cow
    the orderly's invisible
    I need to pee
    why am I singing?
    why do the voices lecture me?

    dry thoughts
    from a dry branch
    sipping dry earth
    through a dry root
    slithering in a dry stream


    as easily appealing
    as the sweetness
    an idiot-savant
    derives from the vacuum
    his soul calls home


    his inner space
    sanctus animulae
    my mind




    Submitted on 2006-12-21 18:10:16     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Love it, sat me on the edge. I think yould relate well to some of my work but lost my account so nothing posted as yet.
    Back to your brilliant piece . . .
    Love the blood on plaster imagery. For me this stanza is the true hook in heart. Can imagine myself doing this in a moment of craziness. It holds such resourceful beauty too. What else is an artist to do when confined in an enclosed space.
    Also appreciate the dryness. When in such a place our soul is starved and our very essence being water what else could allow the reader to identify as well?
    My only critisism applies to
    'slithering in a dry stream'
    The first four lines depict a powder like dryness, I can't imagine how anything could slither in such a dry bed. Slithering suggests a mud like consistancy to me. A snakes movement. Perhaps I'm missing something in this line?
    Sacred cow is perfect for the matron. Gives a great over-all picture of her power and distateful personality.
    Excellent piece!
    | Posted on 2007-06-06 00:00:00 | by Moparqueen | [ Reply to This ]
      I suppose you've summed up an irony marked by the season well enough. & not that I'm trying to totally knock x-mas (intentionally), but it's the season more suicides occur than any other time of year...

    but on the brightside, those who've survived x-mas can look forward to a brand new year.

    Best wishes,
    Sarah
    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      I felt my blood circulate faster one line after the other! I loved reading this.. It's very amusing in an awful kind of way. I wish I could write like you! lol.
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by shatila | [ Reply to This ]
      Be honest: Incredible mind you have to paint such a vivid picture of one who is literally imprisoned and figuratively stripped of their freedom within self.

    No compliments: Well, it is an outstanding peace...How can one go without saying so...it would preposterous!

    How did it make me feel? It took me to the mind of a troubled soul or perhaps a person who has been twisted because of a cruel upbringing during childhood. The saddness and reality that screams out to society in silence which many refuse to hear. Why this feeling? Your word usage is impeccable...really. Every word is carefully placed...so meticulously chosen as does a painter with colors and structure.

    Every part I love especially the italics which added an emphasis on your piece.

    No distractions...are you kidding me?!?!?!?!?!?

    Unclear... that word shouldn't exist when you write seriously... I am inspired all the time with your work. I haven't read them all, but each one is unique and expressive.

    No imporvements and nothing should be done differently...it is a masterpiece.

    Original is an understatement... UNIQUE is more like it.

    Truly have interpreted the ugliness of this world and how people endure it.

    GREAT WRITE!

    LoVe SaBy
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by CaramelCandy | [ Reply to This ]
      Maybe it's my twisted warped humor that finds this piece so delightful, but oh how I do enjoy it! They say that you can't BE crazy if you KNOW you're crazy, but I argue that... Because if you KNOW you're crazy, but you're sane enough to realize it, it just makes you even crazier, because you are torn between the acts of madness and that disjointed 3rd-party observation thing that makes you study yourself, and that always adds the extra inner voices to further complicate the situation...

    I loved the reference to finding Madonna in the stained smudged plaster (so schizo, it just gives me happy shivers!) and that disembodied realization that the annoying screaming in the background is really coming from the body you're sharing with the screamer... "the matron is a sacred cow" gives me the impression of the white-clad head nurse, sending everyone (invisible orderlies) on their missions while she sits on her fat ass with a big shelf of stuffed flabby breasts tied up above her waist-line, quietly in a fluorescent shrine of a "station" like a Buddha in the background... the poster-example of "sanity" and sainthood in a white paper hat...

    In short, what an awesome write!
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by grey_girl | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like a Charlie Brown Christmas, or James Brown Christmas. Interesting perspective.
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by Sandburg | [ Reply to This ]
      This is very intresting. It is thought provocking and just plain intrting. the flow of the etire pice is realy nice. This was so much diffrent than what i had intialy thought when beging to read it. This was realy awsome becouse it was diffrent from the standards which gives it its own uniqueness. Great work keep it up!
    | Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by FLHgg | [ Reply to This ]
      Sounds like your Xmas season is a bit...uh, tense? You obviously need to spend more time in a mall wrestling with some big mamas over some piece of half-priced crap – much better than psy ward 6. Matron as sacred cow is a great line. As for the idiot-savant, he probably doesn’t miss the sweetness he can’t imagine – never been there, therefore can’t miss it. Oh did I mention, Merry Xmas.
    fred
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
      Strong and thought provoking, the form worked well even with short lines, each line still holding its own. To begin with a cliché' catch phrase of "going postal" I was almost turned away until the next few lines hooked me in and the rest did the poem more than justice. No suggestions, not even punctuation or capitalization which I'm usually fond of. Nice write. -mr.
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by mr. | [ Reply to This ]
      Bill, bill, mr bill,

    Oh sorry I'm looking for my friend and you look like him, only he had little more dry rot around his brain.

    this is sad, but so true, when people lose it they lose it big time.
    But I'm going for the theme here, not so much to qualify the
    insanity but to send good will. and why? Because if we are tethered
    in a system of love we can't do this. Well, let's just say it's harder, if we feel loved and not alienated, it doesn't happen very easily.

    And the write, it's brilliant, but I worry about you,

    have you seen my friend?

    Nan
    | Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
      well, this is certainly not what i had in mind hen i asked you to write a Christmas piece. however, i must admit that i was hoping for some twist.

    this write really is psychotic. from the first line until the last i felt that i was on a roller coaster of emotions. very intriguing and dynamic thoughts were presented here. and to tie it all in to a idiot-savant's mind is quite breathtaking. dare i say shocking. well done indeed, sir.
    i enjoyed my visit to the 6th ward this Christmas. God i so desire that no person be found on the 6th floor on Christmas day...
    God bless you
    john-paul
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by rev.jpfadeproof | [ Reply to This ]
      You have a way of making someone with a really warped sense of humour (ie me) laugh, in particular this strophe:
    "you're not sick
    you're not sick
    out of bed, dammit
    my .45 says
    you're not sick
    rise or die kids"
    --I don't know why, but that image was so comic.

    Before I forget, typo check on "tenderness" and "rousing". Tsk tsk lol.

    This turns after your fourth strophe. Up until then, it's comic and fits the title of your poem perfectly. Then the last three turn inward and philosophical, comparing all of this to the inner workings of an idiot-savant's mind (and do you call yourself one in your last line? Just wondering). I don't mind the turn here, but for some it may be a bit abrupt and may need something else to connect this more fully. Just a thought.

    But as always, pretty entertaining, and certainly no Christmas I'd like a part of lol.

    Peace,

    Jase
    | Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by alteredlife | [ Reply to This ]


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