home is where you are by screams

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Submission Name: home is where you are dots

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Author:	screams
Elite Ratio:	5.96 - 433/386/92
Words:	139

Class/Type:	Misc/Misc
Total Views:	248
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	818

Description:
practicing precision

home is where you are dots

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home is a place where i can put my feet up
on your head, foot on head, rest your head
underwater underworld, i can't breathe when she's under me
so i take her one breath at a time
in intervals between my screams

this is how it happens in the real world-real world

my darling, i love you but i cannot stay here
the second momma birthed me, my soul was oiled
and i slip on my words, when i say i love you
but i do, really-
you're the only one who understands me

just as i understand these dust particles
and how they must have a history
which is why your name is written in my neck crease

but the word 'gone' is tattooed to my feet

Submitted on 2006-12-21 19:40:58 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
  I think we're most of us pulled in different directions, and while we're sincere, we're not always, even when we don't know it. And I think that's what I get most out of this write, that as much as we'd like to be more reliable, esp in matters of the heart, we are moved by things we don't always understand, and in directions we wouldn't always choose, if we had a choice.

I don't know if that makes sense, but I knew what I meant, and I think from this poem, you know too.

A poem like this isn't very difficult to fathom, once you get the rhythm of it down and understand the ride it's taking you for. Hit me in the face, but the same can't be said for other commentors. Not the poem's failing, I can tell you that.

I heard you, loud and clear.
| Posted on 2007-01-27 00:00:00 | by Vancrown | [ Reply to This ]
  Hi screamy,

In terms of precision, this is great. And your images lead me to the idea that none of us really knows all about love, perhaps it is our
alter ego? the one who promises as we do, and then we forget the follow through, just as the game could be won.

And my absurdity only mirrors the stark reality of your poem.
And you give us the theme, in an ever so clever way, that loving all that you see might be well worth the effort. Me, I am androgenous
and my male and female never stop making love.

Nice, I've been waiting for something new, thanks you.

Love,

Nan
| Posted on 2007-01-12 00:00:00 | by nansofast | [ Reply to This ]
  Put your feet on my head! This is gonna be the worlds worst comment. I suck at that anyway. I can't think of a single thing to "fix" here. It kinda reads like a dali painting. A little bit of this and that over here and there. O.k. before I embarass myself any further I will end with,"put your feet on my head!"

I am still in love with the way you write but if I fav everything I will definitely be a super stalker and probably investigated by the police for voyeurism!
6
| Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by fryte | [ Reply to This ]
  well ok... this is kinda abstract and yet i seem to find some coherrance to it somewhere along the line (though the sense i have made may not make sense to you lol)

first of all... this kinda feels like the song that i have found a new obsession for over night...
your idea of home being somewhere to put your feet up is a good one... i mean... you should be able to relax with your feet up after a hard day at work but the feet on head thing is kinda disturbing to me in that it can be taken as the narrative voice taking advantage of and walking all over the other person...

and to me that theme or idea of abuse both physical and emotion continues to run right through the piece.

please forgive me if i have got that completely wrong.

gah... i cant explain myself... sorry... this has been a completely useless comment.
| Posted on 2006-12-22 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
  Consider Revising: not much. I don’t quite get the meaning of the poem, but that’s okay for some readers. You do throw some clever little plays on words but I wonder if you’re doing for effect or do you have a purpose. ‘real world-real world.’ What does that mean? ‘underwater underworld,’ what does that do for the poem’s meaning? I think of course, a poem with dull language and excellent meaning will not be successful, but here – I’m not sure. And I’m not willing to say you should change it but do be aware that some folks won’t know what you’re getting at. But then again, I may just be a dummy and my opinion may not be worthwhile :D.

Praises: I like the cleverness, even if I don’t get why – especially the ‘my feet up on your head’ the break here is smart. I like the ‘my soul was oiled and I slip on my words,’ that was good. Really good. I also like the ‘I understand these dust particles’ line. This means the character feels low as dirt – excellent way of showing and not telling. I also like the ‘second momma birthed me,’ though I don’t get it. Is this why the character has to leave – I think so. Apparently, this person is viewed as a [censored] child and feels compelled to move on because they feel unappreciated.

Overall: (B-) because I’m not quite there with meaning. The language was good for the tone of poem and you were consistent throughout.

Art Lives!
tj
| Posted on 2006-12-21 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]

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