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    dots Submission Name: Agitpropdots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 185
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 564
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1258


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    Simply put- its all kaput
    Just like it's always been
    Rudderless hair a muss
    and one too many sins

    Getting up feed the mutt
    then back to sleeping In

    Read a book by the brook
    It was nice the fat man wins
    Got a jar of marmalade
    ate it in the sleepy shade

    Watched the ants do a dance
    (off) they marched-
    life is a masquerade

    Broken bites old mysteries
               solving a charade

    Found a box of souvenirs
    That used to clutter shelves
    Drank some wine was so fine
    It was
    probably made by elves

    I think I hear my honey dear
    She will surely
    drag my butt from here

    simply put it's all kaput

    And I'm off to cheer
    Because my honey
    has the money
    And to her its not funny
    When I spend my time on line
    all my time on line
    time on line
    on line

    Submitted on 2006-12-24 18:03:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Alright....lets start with the third stanza. Redo it. It just, plain and simple, doesn't work. If you insist on keeping it similar to the way it is I would try something like:

    Read a book
    it was nice-the fat man wins.
    got a jar of marmalade-
    ate it in the quiet shade

    This way your description is more detailed and shows completed thoughts. Now to the fourth stanza. Redo this one as well. The second line needs to read:

    -off they marched
    in a parade
    life's a masquerade.

    The first line was okay, but the last ones would do better if they were similar to what I suggested. The fifth stanza, throw it out completely and rewrite. i would also change to:

    Simply put- it's all Kaput. Other than that the rest would be fine as is.

    Hope this helped
    | Posted on 2006-12-24 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay...first off, original write. I like the fact that you seem to write exactly how you would tend to speak. Really, I only have a couple of issues with the poem. Your comments section was "unspecified" so I'm not sure if you were looking for constructive criticism or not. Your first stanza starts off really well and and the trend continues into the second stanza. The third stanza, however is when your lovely flow seems to fall apart. Simply put, it probably needs some rewording. Just rethink it. I really do love the last stanza. IT's very interesting and true to your style.
    | Posted on 2006-12-24 00:00:00 | by clovernfoxglove | [ Reply to This ]

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