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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: I'm Just....dots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: clovernfoxglove
    Elite Ratio:    5.16 - 76/83/33
    Words: 88
    Class/Type: Poetry/Longing
    Total Views: 118
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 647



    Description:
       Mmmm...sad me. Always wishing to be more....


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsI'm Just....dots
    -------------------------------------------


    I'm just...

    a stick in the sand

    a hope for tomorrow

    the peace of midnight

    and the comfort of sleep.

    I'm just....

    the first spring flower

    delicate and sweet

    round

    and oh so sweet.

    I'm just...

    the warmth of a lover

    the spark of a kiss

    and the idea on the tip of a tongue.

    I'm just....

    an "old soul"

    forever doomed

    to think

    of what I might have been.




    Submitted on 2006-12-24 19:58:27     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Uh i found this to be very repetive.which can be annoying
    | Posted on 2006-12-25 00:00:00 | by Rainin_Raspbery | [ Reply to This ]
      This was an interesting read. It almost seemed like there was either two different experiences, or the flipside of one person.
    The tone changes from "just" a stick in the sand...nature images, sweet, comfort, warmth of a lover...."
    to "just" to images of Spring, to
    an old soul...doomed...what might have been.
    And the irony of "forever."
    That's good. Keep on writing!

    -Jerome
    | Posted on 2006-12-24 00:00:00 | by azure_warrior | [ Reply to This ]
      This was weirdly interesting. I felt the beginning typified you as a longing soul searching for inner peace and understanding.
    Then somehow in the last part, you've aged in the blink of a line and I feel that you're now contemplating the things you missed out on?
    Is this interpretation even close?
    I think it needs to be slowed somehow the rhythm just takes the reader through it too fast and the senses haven't the time too evaluate the lines already read.
    The repetition of 'sweet' in the second part is a little unbalancing IMHO. Perhaps swapping one for another adjective might be a consideration.

    In going over it again I have another impression that your mind may feel aged and that you in some small part resign yourself to feeling like your looking back at life now without having fulfilled the potential life you had dreamed/aspired/wanted too.

    It's a good beginning but, for my opinion, I feel it fades with the poetic potential it could convey.
    | Posted on 2006-12-27 00:00:00 | by danativ | [ Reply to This ]



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