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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Do not readdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Non-Sens-Uality
    Elite Ratio:    2.94 - 67/80/53
    Words: 105
    Class/Type: Poetry/Dark
    Total Views: 677
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 722



    Description:
       The obssesion ends...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsDo not readdots
    -------------------------------------------


    The feeling lost, a crystal river
    Along horizons, light blue shiver

    Along a thought, now gone forever.
    A tear transforming "now" in "never".

    A tear, too dark, for eyes to know
    The path of light, the silver glow

    The path to twilight, serpentines
    In changing space of river times.

    In changing elements of sin
    As you can feel evil within

    As you can feel hearts purest love
    Ascending to a hell ...above.

    Ascending with dark wings of time,
    On stairs of roses, so sublime.

    On stairs that lead to Neverland
    To storms of mind, to thoughts of sand...




    Submitted on 2006-12-25 05:48:46     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I disobey your title. I read this anyway.
    I found your rhyme scheme to be one of the best ever employed, the couplet. As usual, each word amplifies itself volumes when placed together like this and the imagery makes my imagination melt. I enjoy the phrases "crystal river", makes me think of winter, I like winter, and "path to twilight" and "dark wings of time". It's quite rare to find these unconventional associations hanging around, so I'd say you've pulled this off pretty well.
    The last stanza is just so much of a cliffhanger, especially with the alluding prospect of thinking of Neverland, and that combined with "storms of mind to thoughts of sand". A perfect ending, if I may say so myself.
    Cheers
    Azuire
    P.S. Change the title. Such a beautiful piece deserves something better.
    | Posted on 2007-02-03 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]
      You do, of course, know that when you write ''Do not read'' people are going to read it. It's a reversed psychology and it's very effective as you can see :) . Even so, I would have never expected this kind of poem to have a title such as ''Do not read''. It's just too beautiful but nevermind that, the poem is an absolute marvel.
    | Posted on 2007-01-05 00:00:00 | by Porcelaine | [ Reply to This ]
      I don't like how you go from so abstract to being so literal and upfront.

    example

    (The feeling lost,) a crystal river
    Along horizons, light blue shiver

    (Along a thought, now gone forever.)

    Made me feel sick. Uncomforting to read. And what people here have tried to teach me is to make peices visually appealing to the eye.

    so that someone wants to read it.

    i would read the rest but it bothers me. sorry, but thanks for sharing. i dont' mean to come off as a douche...


    ;/
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by Cannablisjunkie | [ Reply to This ]
      very good read. i liked this a lot. especially...
    "Along a thought, now gone forever.
    A tear transforming "now" in "never".

    great read. i have nothing negative to say about it.

    lauren**


    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by lauren hamill | [ Reply to This ]
      this was completely amazing.
    i've read your writing before and you have an amazing talent.
    i loved all the imagery in here.
    the rhyme and format made the entire piece soo much stronger.
    as i was reading, i could feel every thing you were saying and picture it all.


    Ascending with dark wings of time,
    On stairs of roses, so sublime.

    On stairs that lead to Neverland
    To storms of mind, to thoughts of sand...

    those were my favorites.
    the ending was so powerful i think that you ended it at the right time.
    great work.
    Keep writing.

    <bleedingtears>
    | Posted on 2006-12-25 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    130007

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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