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I sing the songs of midnight past the refrains of empty slate dark days and yet you punish me. With great monsters billowing poisonous smoke, you punish me. You take from me giving only what I cannot accept things which will not pass as my children do. Fallen children- great barked green giants and velvet nosed creatures all my fallen children because of you. You give to me poisons and yet it is I who sustain you. You take from me and yet it is I who willingly give recieving only contempt in return. Give to me my fallen children in bloodstained dawn of murdered ages. The golden eras of simpler times long past since forgotten by your generation. Woe will befall those who do not contemplate ill meant actions return to me my fallen children children of dust of earth of sky. return to me the fallen 'neath my blazen moon bright eyes. |
The thoughts are wonderful! The expression is graceful (excepting a few nits, which I’ll get to. This love of nature chases after my own heart, as does the indignation in me, and the sorrow for you, over our destruction of it, and in time, ourselves. I find in some of your other writes a lack of tightness that I think results from minimal editing. Good poetry for most of us requires editing – there aren’t many Mozarts running around. Example: S1L2: “the” is unnecessary, waters down the verbiage, and upsets the natural rhythm. As for rhythm, S3L2 would sound out better with “can’t” instead of “cannot”. S4L1 would work better without the “to”. Conversely, “great barked green giants” is wonderful – succinct, alliterative, and it grabs the attention. Despite the hard consonants, it FEELS graceful and evokes tree-images. Also, in S4, it should be “receiving”. I know you asked for thoughts and I’ve given you details, but it was not to slam this write – in fact, I’m a bit enamored of it. You might want to look at my “I Stood Alone”. It’s an old poem, and is probably on my 2nd or 3rd page, when I had just begun writing, and most of my poetry was pretty bad. Nevertheless, it remains a favorite of mine, and it’s on a nature theme. Overall, I truly enjoyed this. fred | Posted on 2007-03-02 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ] | correct me if im wrong, but what i got from this was a persionification of a tree spirit. the soul of the tree speaking its history out loud. brilliant imagery. a well written piece about nature. i like it. | | Posted on 2006-12-25 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ] | |