This site will self destruct in 2 months, March 17.
It will come back, and be familiar and at the same time completely different.
All content will be deleted. Backup anything important.
--- Staff
Roleplay Cloud -
 

Sign up to EliteSkills




Already have an account? Login to Roleplay.Cloud
Forgot password? Recover Password

A Song of Midnight Past


Author: clovernfoxglove
Elite Ratio:    6.13 - 134 /145 /43
Words: 161
Class/Type: Poetry /Nature
Total Views: 1506
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 1181



Description:




A Song of Midnight Past



I sing the songs of midnight past
the refrains of empty
slate dark days
and yet
you punish me.

With great monsters
billowing poisonous smoke,
you punish me.

You take from me
giving only what I cannot accept
things which will not pass
as my children do.
Fallen children-
great barked green giants
and velvet nosed
creatures
all my fallen children
because of you.

You give to me poisons
and yet it is I who sustain you.
You take from me
and yet it is I who willingly give
recieving only
contempt
in return.

Give to me my fallen children
in bloodstained dawn
of murdered ages.
The golden eras
of simpler times
long past
since forgotten
by your generation.

Woe will befall those
who do not contemplate
ill meant actions
return to me my fallen children
children of dust
of earth
of sky.
return to me the fallen
'neath my blazen
moon bright eyes.




Submitted on 2006-12-25 14:58:21     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Edit post

Rate This Submission

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!




Comments


  The thoughts are wonderful! The expression is graceful (excepting a few nits, which I’ll get to. This love of nature chases after my own heart, as does the indignation in me, and the sorrow for you, over our destruction of it, and in time, ourselves.
I find in some of your other writes a lack of tightness that I think results from minimal editing. Good poetry for most of us requires editing – there aren’t many Mozarts running around. Example: S1L2: “the” is unnecessary, waters down the verbiage, and upsets the natural rhythm. As for rhythm, S3L2 would sound out better with “can’t” instead of “cannot”. S4L1 would work better without the “to”.
Conversely, “great barked green giants” is wonderful – succinct, alliterative, and it grabs the attention. Despite the hard consonants, it FEELS graceful and evokes tree-images.
Also, in S4, it should be “receiving”.
I know you asked for thoughts and I’ve given you details, but it was not to slam this write – in fact, I’m a bit enamored of it.
You might want to look at my “I Stood Alone”. It’s an old poem, and is probably on my 2nd or 3rd page, when I had just begun writing, and most of my poetry was pretty bad. Nevertheless, it remains a favorite of mine, and it’s on a nature theme.
Overall, I truly enjoyed this.
fred
| Posted on 2007-03-02 00:00:00 | by fredmelden | [ Reply to This ]
  correct me if im wrong, but what i got from this was a persionification of a tree spirit. the soul of the tree speaking its history out loud. brilliant imagery. a well written piece about nature. i like it.
| Posted on 2006-12-25 00:00:00 | by eowyn | [ Reply to This ]


Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

1. Be honest.
2. Try not to give only compliments.
3. How did it make you feel?
4. Why did it make you feel that way?
5. Which parts?
6. What distracted from the piece?
7. What was unclear?
8. What does it remind you of?
9. How could it be improved?
10. What would you have done differently?
11. What was your interpretation of it?
12. Does it feel original?



130013