Writingpoetry

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dotsdots
nav
  • RolePlay
  • Join Us
  • Writings
  • Shoutbox
  • Community
  • Digg Mashup
  • Mp3 Search
  • Online Education
  • My Youtube
  • Ear Training
  • Funny Pics
  • nav



    nav
  • Role Play
  • Piano Music
  • Free Videos
  • Web 2.0
  • nav



    << | >>
    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Storming The Balustradedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 225
    Class/Type: Prose/Passion
    Total Views: 594
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1369



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsStorming The Balustradedots
    -------------------------------------------


    Have you no mercy to show me? Must I
    be driven to madness a rabid dog?
    Merely by existing? How can I not
    crush you into my arms? There, to explore
    every velvet inch of you! Do I care
    if the fiery breath of hell awaits me
    for this transgression? Or, that you might spurn
    me after I have nourished on your fruit.
    If I could but once dance my tongues delight
    upon silken curve, then tangle myself
    in your quivering surrender. If I
    could just see your eyes glaze as you thrash
    to my mercy. How I long to hear pleas
    for my forbearance become torrid cries
    of lust. O’ to feel clenched thighs part. To know
    them beg, for my attention, would this not
    be enough to send me willingly into
    Inferno. So come to me feel the steel
    hardened by the temptress hiding in you.
    Let us wrestle the beast to submission
    and soar. Speak to me only through shiver
    and wanton moan. Relinquish those cold chains
    of binding modesty and leave love tracks
    across my arching back in memento
    of civilization's fall from grace. For
    if my undoing lies in your downfall
    then I am indeed a man lost to mad-
    ness for I shall now storm this balustrade
    and harvest the blossom that fans my flame.




    Submitted on 2006-12-26 03:30:58     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      Have you no mercy to show me?
    Must I be driven to madness,
    A rabid dog, merely by existing?
    How can I not crush you into my arms?
    There, to explore every velvet inch of you!
    Do I care if the fiery breath of hell awaits me
    For this transgression?
    Or that you might spurn me
    After I have nourished on your fruit?
    If I could but once dance my tongue's delight
    Upon silken curve, then tangle myself
    In your quivering surrender;
    If I could just see your eyes glaze
    As you thrash to my mercy;
    How I long to hear pleas for my forbearance Become torrid cries of lust,
    O’ to feel clenched thighs part
    To know they beg for my attention;
    Would this not be enough
    To send me willingly into Inferno?
    So come to me, feel the steel
    Hardened by the temptress hiding in you;
    Let us wrestle the beast to submission and soar;
    Speak to me only through shiver
    And wanton moan;
    Relinquish those cold chains
    Of binding modesty and leave love tracks
    Across my arching back
    In memento of civilization's fall from grace;
    For if my undoing lies in your downfall
    Then I am indeed a man lost to madness;
    For I shall now storm this balustrade
    and harvest the blossom that fans my flame.

    Really great last line, ponykeeper was right in suggesting something more hard-hitting than the line about flames...I played around a little with structure/punctuation...sorry if my habit of doing that is annoying.
    Decadent! Very rich imagery and words here, passionate poetry is one of my fav. kinds to write/review and writes like this are fresh to me. Old ideas, images, over-used clichés...you've managed to avoid these things here...I liked the ambiance of this one. It feels both hot and cold. I guess that's how passion goes, eh?
    | Posted on 2006-12-27 00:00:00 | by metalnymph | [ Reply to This ]
      at I like about this poem is the headlong rush
    In pursuit of seemingly forbidden fruit. I like the title….it works twofold for me
    Because a balustrade is a barrier--protection from a fall, and interestingly in looking up the word, I found that baluster refers to flower of the wild pomegranite.
    So we have a struggle to resist forbidden fruit, hence “civilization’s fall from grace”—(you might note you are missing an apostrophe on your ‘s’ there.) It’s a passionate poem , and even though there is nothing extraordinarily original I do have some favourite lines, like “then tangle myself in your quivering surrender”….I quite like that line. Now this part….

    if I
    could just see your eyes glazed as you thrash
    to my mercy.

    Doesn’t sound quite right, I’m thinking it should be “at” my mercy. And

    O’ to feel clenched thighs part open
    and beg for my attention

    “part open” is redundant….either word would work without the other, using both is distracting and unnecessary.

    Backtracking for a moment

    “or that you might spurn
    me after I have nourished on your fruit”

    this line bothers me very slightly because I would have expected you to say “after I have been nourished on your fruit, but I suppose I could live with it the way it is.

    “Speak to me only through shiver
    and wanton moan.”……..another line I really like.

    Ok, so you mentioned you would like this poem to be iambic, and I will assume iambic pentameter. So I might suggest a slightly altered start, and perhaps most of the lines will easily fall into place. Let’s try it.

    You can likely think of a better start but you need something like this

    (Pray tell), have you no mercy to show me,

    Although I am not sure the word mercy seems to disturb the rhythm somewhat,

    Alternatives might be

    /Have you/ or, /Is there/ no shred of clemency for me?
    Must you drive me to the brink of madness
    merely by existing? How can I not
    crush you into my arms (to then) explore
    every velvet inch of you? Do I care --or(I care not)
    if the fiery breath of hell awaits me
    for this transgression, or that you might spurn
    me after (I’ve been) nourished on your fruit.
    If I could but once dance my tongue’s delight
    upon silken curve, then tangle myself
    in your quivering surrender, if I
    could just see your eyes glazed as you thrash
    to my mercy. How I long to hear pleas
    for my forbearance become torrid cries
    Of lust. O’ to feel (your)clenched thighs open
    and (melt) for my attention; would this not
    be enough to send me willingly (to)
    (Th’) Inferno. So come to me feel the steel
    hardened by the temptress hiding in you.
    Let us wrestle the beast to submission
    and soar. Speak to me only through shiver
    and wanton moan. Relinquish those cold chains
    of binding modesty and leave love tracks
    across my arching back in memento
    of civilization's fall from grace. For
    if my undoing lies in your downfall
    then I am indeed a man lost to mad-
    ness for I shall now storm this balustrade
    and carry you off to quench my flame.

    This last line is I hate to say it not very original…I think you can do better than that, perhaps playing on the downfall idea, spoils of war, fruit analogy, keeping in mind also the pomegranite blossom……

    something like

    (And carry you off, your blossom my spoils)
    but I’m sure you can think of something even better than that. Ok, so I really do like this one, I hope I have been of some slight help.











    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      This seems so heartfelt. Too many erotic pieces are a simulation of artificial constructs, and so become both tiring and, strangely, dispassionate.
    Your work lifted me back in time and demonstrated that love is so powerful and consuming.
    This is a beautiful piece that is delicate yet strong and I only wish that I could write half so well as you do.
    My only query would be in both your title and the use of balustrade in the piece itself. It is such an awkward word anyway and does not, to me, fit the general tone of the work, but, perhaps I am missing something.
    Well done, I liked it.
    Donald
    | Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by siradrian | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    130058

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.

    Across the bed written by expiring_touch
    Compartments written by TheStillSilence
    Not the Devil, but the Wind written by endlessgame23
    Untitled written by Daniel Barlow
    In a Corner written by jeniecel
    Mystery Read written by kyserin
    Adoration written by TheStillSilence
    The World written by jjd
    Reliquary of Writ written by HisNameIsNoMore
    going,,,"Skin." written by teika5
    Coversheets written by TheStillSilence
    None the Wiser written by endlessgame23
    A Thousand Reflections written by endlessgame23
    // Seasonal Song written by ShadowParadox
    Snippet written by Daniel Barlow
    Keep written by TheStillSilence
    The Want written by Daniel Barlow
    When Sirens Whisper written by HisNameIsNoMore
    Day 5 written by TheStillSilence
    Lost Inside the Race written by ForgottenGraves
    Starseed written by endlessgame23
    Loop-di-Loop written by endlessgame23
    Sword in the Water written by Wolfwatching
    FamiliarDemons ©™ written by kyserin
    Hyle written by endlessgame23
    Verse: written by Daniel Barlow
    no sky on the other side written by teika5
    The Human Harmonic written by Daniel Barlow
    Honeymoon written by TheStillSilence
    A Worsening Effect written by Daniel Barlow

    Google
     


    poetry

    dotsLogindots

    User Name:

    Password:

    [ Quick Signup ]
    [ Lost Password ]


    January 10 07
    131,497 Poems
    Posted

    I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

    [ Angst Poetry ]
    [ Cutters ]
    [ Famous Poetry ]
    [ Poetry Scams ]



    FontSize:
    [ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]
     Poetry