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The sky shone blue,
all until your broke it down,
turned it gray,
made it ugly.
The rain came down,
and showered upon me
The drops fell blue,
until you set them on fire,
made them ugly.
The ocean made its waves blue,
all until you intoxicated it lime,
made it ugly.
And although it stayed white at the tip,
it remained ugly.
You destroyed everything colored blue,
Because of what happened to you.
Although I'm demolished to pieces,
I was once colored blue.
| This one is also a very beautiful write, like I said you are quite talented and this write shows your talent very well, this is one to add to my favs, love this one it is all yours and unique in your own style of writing very good to see that here. Keep it up great job on this one.|
|| Posted on 2007-06-01 00:00:00 | by LadyMustang | [ Reply to This ] || wow, this is great--the repeating 'ugly' makes it flow, gives it a repeating thing...can't think o thr word lol. anyways, it's good, reminds me a bit of "Black" by Pearl Jam--in a good way. Kepp writin,|
|| Posted on 2007-05-08 00:00:00 | by OrionsStorm | [ Reply to This ] || A poem is always as good as the message it hides beyond the lines, the metaphors it uses to get you in other words... to search a deeper reality.|
This poem is perfect in its essence... Every word underlines the realm the poet is in.... the waves... the rays of illusion.
PS: I love blue 8->...
|| Posted on 2007-01-27 00:00:00 | by Non-Sens-Uality | [ Reply to This ] || Great imagery. It seems we think alike bleedingtears this is kind of similar to 'halcyon'. |
J. Ackson Jr.
|| Posted on 2007-01-22 00:00:00 | by JAcksonJr | [ Reply to This ] || i really like it. it is out of the ordinary and unique to you. it is a bit different than some of the stuff you have written, but it still has your name written all over it. keep it up.||| Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by kession | [ Reply to This ] || i agree with ygi too... the word ugly was repeated too many times and so was the word blue.|
i can tell that this poem was one of those poems which came out of the blue as opposed to the ones which take days at least to finish. and a lot of times the ones that come spontaneously are the ones that are the best.
all this poem needs is a bit of refinement. read it over and make a few changes. then im sure this will be awesome
keep on writing
|| Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by moonlitsky | [ Reply to This ] || I think it and I get were your coming from, but I'm with Ygi, if you changed the word ugly to something else it would make it much better. But other than that this was fine.|
|| Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by the_truth | [ Reply to This ] || I liked it. The only critique I had was the frequent breaks with ugly. It remained ugly. Made it ugly. Made them ugly. ect.|
I liked the rest of it though, you should take the ugly part out, or perhaps replace the word, and see how you like it then. Although, i'm only reccomending, it's your write and it should reflect your own style.
|| Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by Ygi | [ Reply to This ] || I get it, but I beleive it could have been conveyed easier, it's hard to swallow.|
What I got out of it was blame.
|| Posted on 2006-12-26 00:00:00 | by Cannablisjunkie | [ Reply to This ] |