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    dots Submission Name: "Memories not yet made"dots

    Author: Mieko
    Elite Ratio:    3.98 - 253/209/99
    Words: 186
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 911
    Average Vote:    4.0000
    Bytes: 1261

       FWAH! Raaaaaaaandoooooooooooom

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots"Memories not yet made"dots

    Outside the rain poured down, darkening the skies.
    I stood inside watching, barefoot—my inside disguise…
    Holding a paintbrush, I was carefully-
    Stroking up a phantom with the northern lights.

    The music was playing, sounding like
    A feather floating in the wind—
    Like a clichéd red rose…
    Blooming again.

    Candle wax the smell of a lilac tree’s blossoms…
    Ribbons of smoke curled up and around--
    The aroma of a strange day-
    It was almost as if I was dancing inside my own dream.
    Dancing inside of a dream…

    Young man singing to me,
    To me:
    “Don’t forget your dessert.”

    *alt. ending

    It must have been 2’pm when I’d remembered the gun
    Hidden away, never to be seen by the sun
    My own personal shield, for safety’s sake…
    But what I didn’t know was-

    You were there, weren’t you?
    Hiding away from me, a sad sad story
    I will speak of it always, forever
    That important document you left…

    Hanging to the fringes of open lips,
    The question, the unbeatable, unanswerable-
    One word, one syllable.

    Submitted on 2006-12-27 00:39:05     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Once again, great imagery! I'll be watching you closely. ;)

    One line I feels messes up the flow of the piece is:

    "Hidden away, never to be seen by the sun"

    It seems if you wrote this line, JUST because sun rhymed with gun...I don't know how to explain it, it just seems to break the flow of this piece.

    But the rest of the piece I adore. Your writing style is quite....luscious. I will be watching for more of your work.

    | Posted on 2011-01-05 00:00:00 | by xxiknownowxx | [ Reply to This ]
      Well, I like it.
    Particularly these lines
    "Holding a paintbrush, I was carefully-
    Stroking up a phantom with the northern lights.'

    What's the deal with the feather falling? Is this a theme of yours? I haven't read enough to know...
    | Posted on 2007-01-21 00:00:00 | by Raivn | [ Reply to This ]
      such a sweet poem thanks so much for sharing
    | Posted on 2006-12-27 00:00:00 | by Ali Marie | [ Reply to This ]
      great poem:)

    keep up the good work! :)
    | Posted on 2006-12-27 00:00:00 | by kathleenbrennan | [ Reply to This ]

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