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    dots Submission Name: A constant struggle...dots

    Author: redeemer
    ASL Info:    19/female/venus
    Elite Ratio:    4.08 - 85/93/58
    Words: 259
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 779
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1699


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsA constant struggle...dots

    The darkness in my mind
    Reflects the world around me
    I can't seem to let things be
    And leave them all behind me

    My self inflicted pain
    Tightens around my throat
    The noose around my neck
    Is beginning to make me choke

    The sadness in my eyes
    Weighs down on my heart
    It seems the longer I am with you
    The more we grow apart

    The screams from arguments past
    Echo through my head
    All I have is emptiness now
    I wish I had peace of mind instead

    Scars from inflicted wounds
    From my internal struggle for control
    If I will ever heal from them
    Is something I don't know

    I love you
    But maybe I'm not sure
    Because this love is a constant struggle
    And the more I think I love you, the more the pain seems to occur

    Maybe that's the power love has over me
    Grabs me and takes hold
    Won't let up
    And just won't let go

    My soul is screaming
    Just get out
    My heart is dying
    Everytime you shout

    What happened?
    To what we were
    Our love seemed so powerful
    It seemed so pure

    I know not what to do
    It's to much to bear
    Everytime you touch me
    I am scared

    Scared for my heart
    My soul and my life
    I can't where this ring
    I cannot now be your wife

    I can't seem to piece
    Together this puzzle
    Because our love is very diffcult
    It's just...a constant struggle

    Submitted on 2006-12-27 22:11:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      its not to bad. you seem to be having some difficultys Ive had in the past. for example.

    The screams from arguments past
    Echo through my head
    All I have is emptiness now
    I wish I had peace of mind instead

    head and instead, naturally dont rhyme well, since head has one syalable and instead has two. another problem I see is the amount of syalables between rhymes. If you balanced out the two, there really wouldnt be that many problems left in this piece like the other commentor is pointing out. Alas its not bad for what you wrote it for, so dont feel like Im talking down to you or anything. (Im a picky reader anyways :( ) I give it a 3.9 out of 5.
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by siroez | [ Reply to This ]
      Verse one:excellent,nice flow and rhymes.
    Verse two:good but last line;<Begins to make me choke> would fit better.
    Verse three:excellent,maybe <The longer I'm with you >would make it flow more smoothly.
    Verse four:I like the content and the rhyming but the flow needs some work.
    Verse five:Last line needs more thought.Rhyming <control> and <know> doesn't really work for me.
    Verse six:omit or adjust to fit the other verses.
    The other verses are not up to the standard of the first five.I'd leave them out or make two more verses combining the material and again keeping to the same metre as you started with.
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by Asakura Cowboy | [ Reply to This ]

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