its not to bad. you seem to be having some difficultys Ive had in the past. for example.
The screams from arguments past Echo through my head All I have is emptiness now I wish I had peace of mind instead
head and instead, naturally dont rhyme well, since head has one syalable and instead has two. another problem I see is the amount of syalables between rhymes. If you balanced out the two, there really wouldnt be that many problems left in this piece like the other commentor is pointing out. Alas its not bad for what you wrote it for, so dont feel like Im talking down to you or anything. (Im a picky reader anyways :( ) I give it a 3.9 out of 5.
Verse one:excellent,nice flow and rhymes. Verse two:good but last line;<Begins to make me choke> would fit better. Verse three:excellent,maybe <The longer I'm with you >would make it flow more smoothly. Verse four:I like the content and the rhyming but the flow needs some work. Verse five:Last line needs more thought.Rhyming <control> and <know> doesn't really work for me. Verse six:omit or adjust to fit the other verses. The other verses are not up to the standard of the first five.I'd leave them out or make two more verses combining the material and again keeping to the same metre as you started with. Cheers A.C
Submission Name: A constant struggle...
