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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: 4 Haiku For Brooklyndots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.14 - 366/359/149
    Words: 61
    Class/Type: Haiku/Misc
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 542



    Description:
       trying my hand at some fix formed poetry...
    the Haiku...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots4 Haiku For Brooklyndots
    -------------------------------------------


    I.

    Dark Brooklyn alleys:

    a small voice is heard rising

    wing-borne through the slums.

    II.

    In thick Brooklyn fog
    a bluebird offers her song
    halting the traffic.

    III.

    Union Street Station:

    A blind man clumsily strums

    his old scarred guitar.

    IV.
    Blazing Brooklyn sun:
    Beckons a struggling rose,
    breaking through asphalt.




    Submitted on 2006-12-28 00:41:23     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      I think that these are great! I like short, moment-type stuff & even better if they're place-specific, I'm not sure why. I just like it when a poem has a certain place in the world. & you modernized haiku without it losing its unassuming wisdom. I also like the left/right/left of the formatting. It's just an all-around satisfying read.
    | Posted on 2011-02-09 00:00:00 | by Santi | [ Reply to This ]
      Just how a haiku was meant to be written. Snapshots of moments. Pretty.
    | Posted on 2007-05-04 00:00:00 | by MechanicalQ | [ Reply to This ]
      I specially love haiku in english (my only language) which I guess has become an art independent of Japan by now! So thanks for writing haiku ... I have no criticism; I seem to learn something new about it every time I find some!

    I have written sets of haiku, like you have done here; and also different sorts of couplets and triplets treated in that spirit. Your piece here is so impressive that I'm encouraged to maybe post some of mine! ... hope you are glad to hear that, heh!
    | Posted on 2007-02-07 00:00:00 | by Glen Bowman | [ Reply to This ]
      I've never been to New York but as a city it seems to be such a fantastic muse, an urban sprawl blessed with somehow with the aura of an almost mythical beauty. Makes me so very much want to visit.

    I love the hope in these shiney through the city asphalt and grime, all summed up by the blind busker still playing away in the third haiku. I also like the way they're put together like snapshot photos of the city or scene-setting stills in a film.

    Thanks for sharing.

    Adam
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by Icarus | [ Reply to This ]
      I like the way you string these together thematically wile still retaining teh haiku form. Maybe you want to continue this as a series? Nice work.
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by joeyalphabet | [ Reply to This ]
      I.
    In Brooklyn New York
    a small voice is heard rising
    above the projects.

    II.
    On a Brooklyn stoop
    a bluebird offers her song
    among the traffic.

    III.
    Union Street Station:
    A blind man clumsily strums
    his old scarred guitar.

    IV.
    Blazing Brooklyn sun:
    Beckons a struggling rose,
    (breaking) through asphalt.



    Interesting use of fixed forms, Reverend J.P. I believe the last two haiku come closest to using the form as it was intended, with a broad opening line narrowed successively to a single detail or image. Your vision as a writer has grown remarkably quickly in just the few months you've been posting. Keep experimenting and posting.

    Take care.
    Bill.

    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello Reverend

    I'm here again to compliment ;). I am not much into fixed poetry ( like haikus), mainly because I cannot master them! But I think you did a splendid job doing just that. Are these your first tries? They are wonderful, especially the last two, seemed that you were getting the hang of it. I saw a little bit of your magic sneak into number 3 and 4, so I expect that when you write more haikus, it'll turn out just as individual as your other poems here .

    I'm not an expert on haikus but my favorite one was number 3, because it just makes me smile...he's a blind man playing a "scarred" guitar, and he's still going on with life happily in tune . It seemed like a reflection of himself actually (the guitar did).

    Wonderful job! Forgive me, for I hope to come back and comment on the last one that I favored! I hope to when I'm at a peace of mind, so pray for me please

    Take care!
    ~Nadia
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by darkrose16 | [ Reply to This ]


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