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    dots Submission Name: a guilty firedots

    Author: blackbird
    ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194/328/300
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1010
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 670

       so i actually can rhyme...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa guilty firedots

    let bitter shadows brush aside
    and mirrors loss remain askew
    the morning and the faded grave
    as broken birds and bones acrue

    amaze and milk the inner heart
    a child still and sad remark
    wind may gather the minds lament
    and stolen shelter never meant

    ablaze and smoke this whispers haunt
    a vapour napped towards eerie flaunt
    while splinters of the sparks ignite
    extinguish still such short delight

    unbutton the storms of your eyes
    let them breathe and bleed a cult of grief
    they are mere rumours of your presence
    and absense only breeds relief

    Submitted on 2006-12-28 15:28:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      See this time I think that the last stanza is the best one. I really like how you use the English language, way different than an American. The rhyming is ok, the flow could be better in some parts. Also this line: "a child still and sad remark" while it fits with the flow of the poem should be just a bit longer. You need one more word in it. It kinda breaks the poem from the visual part. When I write similar things to what you have made here I try to get the lines as even as possible. It just looks better if they are all the same length. I also think this is the best line: "unbutton the storms of your eyes" This is a good poem as it is. I'm gonna keep reading through your work. Maybe I'll pick up a weird word or two. :)
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really cool
    u kinda change the rhyming scheme every so often. but it all comes together in the last stanza. which is very intense.
    i luv these lines
    "unbutton the storms of your eyes
    let them breathe and bleed a cult of grief"
    that so extraordinary. its just so.....cool. idk words betray me....but its really cool!
    i look forward to seeing what else u've written
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by emb_er77 | [ Reply to This ]

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