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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: a guilty firedots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: blackbird
    ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194/328/300
    Words: 98
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 927
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 670



    Description:
       so i actually can rhyme...


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsa guilty firedots
    -------------------------------------------


    let bitter shadows brush aside
    and mirrors loss remain askew
    the morning and the faded grave
    as broken birds and bones acrue

    amaze and milk the inner heart
    a child still and sad remark
    wind may gather the minds lament
    and stolen shelter never meant

    ablaze and smoke this whispers haunt
    a vapour napped towards eerie flaunt
    while splinters of the sparks ignite
    extinguish still such short delight

    unbutton the storms of your eyes
    let them breathe and bleed a cult of grief
    they are mere rumours of your presence
    and absense only breeds relief




    Submitted on 2006-12-28 15:28:48     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      See this time I think that the last stanza is the best one. I really like how you use the English language, way different than an American. The rhyming is ok, the flow could be better in some parts. Also this line: "a child still and sad remark" while it fits with the flow of the poem should be just a bit longer. You need one more word in it. It kinda breaks the poem from the visual part. When I write similar things to what you have made here I try to get the lines as even as possible. It just looks better if they are all the same length. I also think this is the best line: "unbutton the storms of your eyes" This is a good poem as it is. I'm gonna keep reading through your work. Maybe I'll pick up a weird word or two. :)
    | Posted on 2008-06-13 00:00:00 | by Paradox | [ Reply to This ]
      this is really cool
    u kinda change the rhyming scheme every so often. but it all comes together in the last stanza. which is very intense.
    i luv these lines
    "unbutton the storms of your eyes
    let them breathe and bleed a cult of grief"
    that so extraordinary. its just so.....cool. idk words betray me....but its really cool!
    i look forward to seeing what else u've written
    peace
    ~Erin
    | Posted on 2006-12-28 00:00:00 | by emb_er77 | [ Reply to This ]


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