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    dots Submission Name: the birddots

    Author: blackbird
    ASL Info:    31/male/reykjavik iceland
    Elite Ratio:    2.35 - 194/328/300
    Words: 104
    Class/Type: Prose/Misc
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 674


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsthe birddots

    still.. awaits the seamless night
    a banquet

    lips to ease the easel sky
    solemn, graceful, abashed
    yet still reposed
    only eating the walls again

    i am still the bird
    grown distant on such sorrow meal
    the candle of your eye an apple yet
    and motionless amongst the breath

    the rusty earth slims and moans
    a creature inside itself
    burly mustard and gravel
    graves to turn the ashes towards

    peer here a tunnel thought for food
    given over to the sordid night
    i will only stay here long enough
    for my lighted eyelids kiss the sun

    Submitted on 2006-12-28 16:53:20     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Well I still don't think that "grown distant on such sorrow meal" makes sense,if you were saying happy meal you wouldn't say "grown distant on such happy meal".The idea itself makes sense to me though and as an image it is powerful.I like the poem a lot and I'm not just saying that,the last verse I did understand and it was really well crafted,when combined with the second verse:

    the rusty earth slims and moans
    a creature inside itself
    burly mustard and gravel

    it gives the poem a metaphysical quality which is very cool.I did not get what you meant at first by "graves to turn the ashes towards" but its fine now that you explained it and the "peer here a thought for food" line is good because it flips the usual food for thought phrase into something new.

    "only eating the walls again",I didn't like this image at all,not because its bad or anything but simply because
    I find it horrifyingly weird.So thats a compliment I guess.

    I don't want to say any more about the grammar because ill just come off as sounding like I'm nit-picking seeing as how you clearly want it to be this way so I cant argue with that.

    Thanks for explaining your idea to me anyway your comment helped a lot.

    | Posted on 2007-03-22 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]
      Okay,I liked this,but you really need to fix it up a bit:

    grown distant on such sorrow meal

    that line is wrong cos it doesn't make sense,
    perhaps: grown distant on such a sorrowful meal?
    or sorrowful meals.Whatever you decide you should fix that.

    graves to turn the ashes towards
    peer here a tunnel thought for food

    I didnt get what your trying to say here,and because the image doesnt fit together properly.

    Id advise that you just touch this up a bit because
    I thought it was really good,its just the small mistakes that let it down.

    the rusty earth slims and moans
    a creature inside itself

    These two lines,for me were the best and make this worth revisiting.

    Anyways I hope you find this feedback helpful.


    | Posted on 2007-03-20 00:00:00 | by Raphael | [ Reply to This ]

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