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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: This Stained Glass Windowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: LucyDiamond
    ASL Info:    17/F/Sky
    Elite Ratio:    3.9 - 365/575/251
    Words: 233
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 782
    Average Vote:    5.0000
    Bytes: 1191



    Description:
       Baked in symbolism with a sprinkle of love.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThis Stained Glass Windowdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Another morning has been granted;
    Thank you faithful midnight stars!
    My eyes flutter as the chirping birds
    upon the satisfied and constant maple
    outside my bedroom window:
    They open up to such a world of possibility:
    I see such a garden of peace,
    where tiny blossoms of simple cosmos
    burst at the bud, as if shrieking,
    “Tend to me! Such new beauty,
    encapsulated within my healthy being!”

    Oh, I hear you darlings...
    Precious roses, dilly dally daisies…
    But I am distracted by the startling Sun.
    Its beams shine past trees
    And hits my clouded window:
    The wear of winter ever so evident.

    . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
    I am always looking at you
    through these windows I have created!
    What a love, stained the brightest shade
    of vibrant cosmos hue in my memory forever.
    How intricately tainted, this stained glass window,
    this passageway of all the light I’ll ever know:
    all of this colorful deception:

    the result is intriguing.




    Submitted on 2006-12-29 01:25:08     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      If you're personifying Sun (which I assume youa re doing, by capitalizing), then I think the 'its' should be 'it's', because if the Sun is a person, then it needs a possesive. That's my only critique. I adore this poem. It's cheerful, sunny and sweet, without being saccherine. Then at the end, it surprises you, almost sticks it's tongue out at you 'I'm not what you thought I was'!
    | Posted on 2007-01-20 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      Well now, so many views and only 1 comments---I read this a few times and decided to say that I had stopped by and will give you my “thoughts”.

    There is symbolism here and love for sure, but I think a lot of it is buried under too many “filler” words (prepositions, pronouns, and modifiers that are run-of-the-mill and add little to what you are really trying to say. First of all, try to weed out as many of these (the, and, but, a , an, so , they ,he, she, their etc---) as possible and see how much more succinct the thoughts and images are when stripped of all those extra words. Then, look at the words you used, --are they each as absolutely descriptive as they could be?;--are they ho-hum ,cliché overused expressions?, and if so, can you think of a more original way of phrasing your image that adds depth to what you see.

    A poet strives to show the reader what he sees and what he feels about it without telling too much. You want to use words to show the picture, but color that picture with your own unique perspective and style, much like several artists all painting the same landscape, --each painting not a photograph but a rendering of the what the heart and soul sees and feels, rather than the eyes. Usually, in poetry you can achieve this by saying less rather than more.

    Looking at the first stanza;

    Another morning has been granted;
    Thank you faithful midnight stars!
    My eyes flutter as the chirping birds
    upon the satisfied and constant maple
    outside my bedroom window:
    They open up to such a world of possibility:
    I see such a garden of peace,
    where tiny blossoms of simple cosmos
    burst at the bud, as if shrieking,
    “Tend to me! Such new beauty,
    encapsulated within my healthy being!”

    Here it is morning, and you are gazing out the window and trying to express how peaceful and uplifting the scene outside the window, and how good that makes you feel. Is line 1 a good opening line? All it really says is “It’s morning!”; could this be worked in with less words or implied somewhere else reserving that all important first line for another thought. I do like the thought that each new day is a gift, “something granted”, and that you acknowledge that with “Thank You to the stars (implying that you fell asleep wishing for peace and love with the new day.

    “My eyes flutter as the chirping birds
    upon the satisfied and constant maple
    outside my bedroom window:”

    I do think these three line need some work; “ My eyes flutter as the chirping birds”—do you mean the eyes flutter the way birds flit about? If so, try to rework it in able to compare the birds’ movements to that of your eyes, --as it stands now it reads like one long fragment, unclear in intention, as if the images don’t quite mesh. As for ”chirping birds”Can you think of something about birdsong that evokes more feeling than “chirping”?---I know you can because you go on to speak of ”the satisfied and constant maple” –a descriptive but original phrase that one can relate to. What about the birds, --can you name them,?—again a sparrow, robin, jay---any name will lend more color and a little more depth to the image.

    I might say

    my eyes, like playful chickadees, flitter,–
    flutter about the serene and constant maple.



    S2
    Oh, I hear you darlings...
    Precious roses, dilly dally daisies…


    I love that part, the alliteration and the patient nurtuting voice talking to the flowers.It really evokes a sense of delight and satisfaction,--happy solitary reflection.

    “But I am distracted by the startling Sun.
    Its beams shine past trees
    And hits my clouded window:
    The wear of winter ever so evident.”


    In these four lines there is a bit of contrast, that gives the previous happy lines more meaningful. The windows you are viewing from, are cloudy, still bearing grime from the past. This could be s a hint that you have come from a darker time, and that now that is behind you; or the window could be a boundary, perfection and harmony on the outside, and you longing on the other for more of that.

    Sunshine and shadows. --I like that there are many ways to interpret the symbols. Try to eliminate the obvious first person here, the proouns I, and my, --that puts the scene more directly into the readers’ view.—and you don’t need both “shine” and “beams” in the same line—make the noun a verb –“beams”, and get rid of “shines”;paring a few words here and there will lay bare the core of your theme and message, and lend the soft poetic voice more power. Can you think of a more descriptive word than “hits”. –substituting more succinct words when you can, is the simplest way to amplify your meaning. You could say caresses, glances of, strokes, warms, washes over---strikes, --any number of things that each give a slightly different nuance beyond “hit”. This is the same thing, --just arranged differently--

    But the startling Sun distracts
    It beams past trees, and
    floods my window, still cloudy from
    the wear of winter


    S3; I don’t know that you need the row of dots to separate this strophe, --I think the separate strophe itself and the change of subject from the outdoors to the inside,--is enough. Your words should carry the transition, --and they do. You set that up with the “clouded windows” of S2.

    I am always looking at you
    through these windows I have created!
    What a love, stained the brightest shade
    of vibrant cosmos hue in my memory forever.
    How intricately tainted, this stained glass window,
    this passageway of all the light I’ll ever know:
    all of this colorful deception:



    S3L5-- did you mean “tinted”, tainted is a bit off-putting for some reason
    Sunlight and shadow again, --and it creates a lingering question that makes the poem interesting and mysterious with the questions it leaves behind.

    You seem to be saying that this window, colored glass, is of your own creation, ie you see things brighter and more beautiful than they are, or alternatively, they always were beautiful, but you weren’t aware—so a change in consciousness, a transformation has taken place.You could be speaking silently to a loved one, someone who may or may not still be in your life.

    I really like the last stanza, --it has many layers to it and leaves the reader to derive his own meaning from it. I would lose the last line though--” the result is intriguing”, I think the way it ends in the last stanza is excellent, and that last line tells too much, which takes away from the mystic and mysterious tone that precedes it. Again, cut the fat, let that light, that beautiful voice be free, untangled from the weight of too many filler words,--compare for instance--

    I see you always
    through these windows of my own design!
    What a love, stained the brightest hue
    of vibrant cosmos on my memory forever.
    How intricately tinted, this stained glass window,
    this passageway of all the light I’ll ever know:
    What colorful deception!


    These are beautiful thoughts of joy and longing, spoken with a serene almost meditative voice. Let them shine like they should,with some minor editing. I find that if I leave a poem sit and age for a while, then after some time and distance from the emotion at the time, I can detect more easily those words that tend to bog the poem down,--those words that don’t do anything wrong,--they just don’t help advance the theme more clearly. You have some wonderful thoughts here,--keep on writing.

    Silver
    | Posted on 2006-12-30 00:00:00 | by Silverdog | [ Reply to This ]
      Thoughts.!
    That means I have to think. Well that
    naturally follows doesn’t it. I have to
    think to have thoughts. First I was thinking
    about rose colored glasses and Beatles
    songs, but the songs might have come
    from your name. Then again it might be
    the whole looking glass sky image that
    reminded me of your stained glass windows
    and their colorful deception. Then once I
    started thinking I started having so many
    thoughts I could not keep track of them all.
    So I had to take a break and come back.

    so obviously now its after I have come back and well
    now this part is what is bugging me

    My eyes flutter as (like) the chirping birds
    upon the satisfied and constant maple
    outside my bedroom window:
    If it was like then it would make more sense.

    And I was, or am I guess, thinking about cosmos
    and I wonder if you are getting that from the
    beat generation it was used a lot back then.
    and you are pretty young to know about it
    but being a Beatles fan, well, I figure that could
    explain it.

    check how you are using your (s)
    this is what you got
    Its beams shine past trees
    And hits my clouded window:

    you need either
    Its beam shines past trees
    and hits my
    or
    its beams shine past trees
    to hit my

    how tainted: tainted throws me a bit.
    I am thinking the windows are your eyes
    and your perceptions are colored by what
    you desire to see. So you have a distortion
    of reality going on however I am not
    convinced it is a tainted one.

    Then I am not sure how much to read into
    your symbolism I tend to over think such things
    and go way beyond what the author intends
    or so I have been told.

    I will admit, I do find your poem intriguing.

    Dale






    | Posted on 2006-12-30 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]


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