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    dots Submission Name: Upon the Snowdots

    Author: sweet_rayne
    ASL Info:    25/f/canada
    Elite Ratio:    3.86 - 493/464/111
    Words: 142
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 1113
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 888

       this was just an idea, and i had towrite it but now im not so sure about it. and i will be revisiting this peice again to make ajustments just want some thoughts and suggestions

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsUpon the Snowdots

    In the dead of winter lies
    The beauty, of her soul
    Asleep in the frost
    Lays the mortal body
    She has left behind

    No more pain,
    To accompany her fear
    Her strength now gone as
    The she leaves her mortal
    Body upon the pristine snow

    The days have ended,
    As she lays her head to rest
    Her eyes close as her soul soars
    Leaving her mortal body
    Upon the crystalline snow

    Her mortal body has tired
    And is laid to rest but her soul
    Dreams of adventure, as her spirit
    Leaves her body upon the
    Cold snow ridden ground

    Her life has not ended
    But merely expanded
    From the bonds and restrictions
    Her mortal body enforced
    Upon the snow lays her body
    That she had no choice but to leave

    Submitted on 2006-12-29 02:31:56     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      This piece gives me a sense of freedom that i wish I could hold on to. It is lovely in its complete whimsical joy. At first I expected this to be a piece of mourning but it turned ouot to be quite the opposite and that transition made me fall in love with the poem.

    | Posted on 2007-01-16 00:00:00 | by sageeriol | [ Reply to This ]
      The was very beutifuly and elegently written. It has the since of sadness tied to it but at the same time a feeling of relife and resolve and alowing to move on. I think that is what mkes this peice so strong and powerfull. This beutifuly shows how a death can be a new begging in a since instead the standard end that many like to show it as and this is very refreshing to those who have had this happen so closly to them. Great work on this, keep it up!
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by FLHgg | [ Reply to This ]
      I come back to check on you and you left another wonderful piece. xD
    Beautifully written, so much so that I only have one suggeston.

    The first three stanzas work well with the "mortal body" in the same place giving a nice repeat (the second may look better matching the others)
    But after that it seems to get a little old.

    The word body seems to start to be overused 5 times in two stanzas?
    I'd suggest trying to find some other words for body.

    I assume you refrained from using the word corpes so as to keep the sentiment dulled and less graphic, but I'm sure there are other words.

    | Posted on 2006-12-31 00:00:00 | by Localfreak | [ Reply to This ]
      well i live in alaska so i can relate to all teh snow. lol. I like this alot. I like how you wrote of death as a release and an expansion rather than an end. The only thing that does not make sense to is "Her strength now gone as
    The she leaves her mortal" I don't know if this is a typo or meant to read "The She."
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by robertbwell | [ Reply to This ]

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