My Thoughts Retired by danativ

[ Join Free! ]
(No Spam mail)

dots

<< | >>

Submission Name: My Thoughts Retired dots

--------------------------------------------------------

Author:	danativ
Elite Ratio:	8 - 139/31/15
Words:	98

Class/Type:	Poetry/Nostalgia
Total Views:	128
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	673

Description:
Make and take from it what you will. The end is coming! Are you ready for the new sky?

My Thoughts Retired dots

-------------------------------------------

My thoughts retired
Will you conquer the new sky
China dolls derived from stone
on the mantelpiece over the warmth
dressed up with nowhere to go

It’s the same world, this house, this life
but everything’s different
I see out the window from over the sink
Crab apple tree in the backyard
the footpath leads away from today

Exit here the thoughts presiding this year
make way the grey matter psyche
gigabytes cleared in reserve for
mass collisions of experiencing
the conquering of a new sky

My Thoughts Retired
Words by: Da Nativ

Submitted on 2006-12-29 04:13:24 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

1: >_<
2: I dunno...
3: meh!
4: Pretty cool
5: Wow!

||| Comments |||
I think it has a nice consistency and written well! Much better than most of the thing I've read here too. I think, somethings could use some slight nips and tucks like, "Crab apple tree in the backyard." Crab apple tree should have A or the...something that identifies it as that alone because it seems as if its an entity-not a thing. Really it just seems like it is missing the article.

I also think that in the line, "Exit here the thoughts presiding this year." PresidING just doesn't fit for me...perhaps, "that preside this year." just sounds better. Also, "gigabytes cleared in reserve for
mass collisions of experiencing
the conquering of a new sky.' To many 'ings'. Really the ending sets off the poem...its ok here or there but it seems like a massive amount of ings just popped up in 3 or 4 lines where there were none beofre. Also, it seems a bit wordy in comparison to the rest of the poem. I do believe the last few phrases and end of a poem should be just as poignant and summarizing as the beginning; and I think that may have been what you wanted-it's good, but it just IMO needs some more revision.

Despite all that writing I just wrote, it's a well composed piece;very nostalgic in a 'time is fleeing' way...that gives a somber atmosphere. Nice work.
| Posted on 2007-01-07 00:00:00 | by iroti | [ Reply to This ]
is now a good time to say i think the Finn boys are genius... that take the weather with you is a wonderful song... i can see some of those lyric images in here though slightly altered...?

now me... im in love with the idea of conqueroring the sky... the fact that it cant be done... the fact that thats the only thing it seems that cant be conquerored... that and myself... i dont think i could conquer myself and i guess thats what new years is all about in some ways... cutting out of yourself all those things you hate... thats what new years resolutions are all about though to conquer (and i cannot for the life of me spell that word in any form correctly) ones self is much more than just a resolution...

you can conquer a new horizon but not a new sky...
| Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]

Full Anime Episodes Streaming Free
5 million youtube videos all rated over 4.7 stars with 40+ ratings

[ Copy this | Start New | Full Size ]

Enter your search terms Submit search form

Web www.eliteskills.com

[ Chrispian ] [ Write Forum ]
[ Friends ] [ SNESroms ] .

[ Quick Signup ]
[ Lost Password ]

January 10 07
131,497 Poems
Posted

I have 14,000+ Subscribers on Youtube. See my Video Tutorials

[ Angst Poetry ]
[ Cutters ]
[ Famous Poetry ]
[ Poetry Scams ]

FontSize:
[ Smaller ] [ Bigger ]

This user has been inactive for more than 5 days.