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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Lostdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: forevermortal
    ASL Info:    31/F/Home
    Elite Ratio:    0.7 - 0/2/6
    Words: 255
    Class/Type: Poetry/Broken
    Total Views: 67
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1519



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsLostdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Lost
    In the night, I saw much pain
    And the shadows of the thurder came the rain
    Lost and forgotten
    Beaten down and smells of flesh became so rotten
    Cuts and tattered clothes
    Homelessness, I hide within my demons so no knows
    I forgot the pleasures of the warmth of home
    Only now I'm left all alone
    Within the crowd, I'm lost without
    Lost with nothing but my certain doubt
    Screams
    I hear wake me from my bad dreams
    Forever here these streets where I lay my head
    I search for ways to get some bread
    Hunger is the pain of my darkest moon
    I hope to be free from this nightmare soon
    What I wear are my only possessions
    And thoughts of my haunting decisions
    That have made me poor
    I'm becoming ill as I walk and walk forever more
    The world, I feel their hate
    I fall to my knees and except my fate
    Dieing now, is not so bad
    Now I know and remember the things I once had
    The love, the joy, the hope
    Oh, I remember
    That one sweet day in last September
    Before the clouds came
    And when I remembered the sound of your name
    Just made me feel so safe. so true
    And the look of your eyes so blue
    The smile and the laughter that we shared
    And how much I knew you really cared
    If only I could see that smile again
    I would do my best to throw away my baggage from within




    Submitted on 2006-12-29 10:40:44     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      3rd line, mis-spelled thunder.
    7th line, no knows, I think you meant no one knows.

    I search for ways to get some bread

    Nice line, because it could be taken literaly, or as in yo'ure looking for ways to make money, because you're poor.

    Above are my notes that I took while I was reading, enjoy those.


    Now onto what I noticed. It was a different approach on a common topic. The rhyming was good, not the best, but good. That's sort of hypocritical of me, because I don't rhyme at all. I'm no good at it. So you were brave to attempt it.

    The one word title works for this, I don't usually approve, but this is good, I like it a lot.


    Your writing is reminescent of Sylvia Plath, though her metaphores are more blatent than yours. You have a lot (if they're supposed to be metaphores) that are really subtle. Such as the bread one, and the internal baggage, which is vague.

    That's all I have to say. Good write.

    ***********************************

    Ah, and I realized you're a new user. Welcome. Enjoy your stay. If you feel so compelled, I'd appreciate it if you read my latest write, "Prison Fences Before Dawn (Victims in the Sunlight)" If not...then don't. hah.


    Once again, Welcome, and Enjoy your stay.
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by Secrets Unheard | [ Reply to This ]



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