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    dots Submission Name: Expectationdots

    Author: BusterLILblock
    ASL Info:    21/F
    Elite Ratio:    3.51 - 452/270/50
    Words: 84
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 1047
    Average Vote:    3.5000
    Bytes: 499

       yo dis is bout those that are fake

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.


    the smell of a flower
    when you first pluck it

    like a breeze of fresh sweet sents
    opening your nose to a wide extent

    brightening your day
    for at least a while

    the young woman's heart
    who just cured you from struggle

    like a helpful flush of kind heartedness
    taking such a big burden off your shoulders and putting it on hers

    Indeed how the flower smells is not what the bee tastes

    Submitted on 2006-12-29 17:12:10     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      OK, I thought this one showed potential.

    I liked "like a breeze of fresh sweet scents"...Although I felt "scent" would've worked better.

    I thought "Opening your nose to a wide extent" sounded bad, you need a different line here.

    I quite liked "Who just cured you from struggle"...However this is a mixed metaphor, as u can cure a disease, but you can't really "cure" someone from "struggle".

    "Like a helpful flush of kindheartedness" - ditto.

    I'm not saying these lines are terrible, but I think they could do with reworking.

    The other thing I noticed was that u did use some clichés: "brightning your day"; "the young woman's heart" and, most noticably, "taking such a big burden off your shoulders". I think if you used a metaphor of your own in that line, it could be a good line.

    In conclusion, I would say this piece does show potential, but u need to work on your metaphors and grammar.

    I hope my reviews hven't been too harsh, but I'm genuinely trying to give u useful feedback.

    :) Alexboy
    | Posted on 2009-07-20 00:00:00 | by alexboy | [ Reply to This ]
      like my dad says:" Never trust ur husband."
    | Posted on 2009-05-28 00:00:00 | by geekyslacker | [ Reply to This ]
      I have to say the description confused me. I was expecting a very different sort of poem. Maybe that's a good thing because it meant I had to dig deeper to try and find the meaning. (I'm still probably incredibly off.)

    ...So...flowers...does the flower's scent deceive the bee?

    Or how about that young woman, suddenly forced to carry someone else's burden on her shoulders? Was that her decision? Or is it the narrator who's the antagonist, forcing young woman to carry their burdens? Maybe there's an ironic tone here?

    All right, I'm stumped.

    Still, even if this poem is beyond my humble cranial capacities it is enough to say that it was well written and thoroughly enjoyed.
    | Posted on 2008-09-22 00:00:00 | by liquid | [ Reply to This ]
      This was a real eye opener to me too. I like how you look at a friend. Thats what their there for right?
    Great write!!!
    Thanks for sharing
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2007-12-26 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      dude ur grammer and spelling are so way better now. as a poet u r maturing. * and i didnt just say that.

    so yeahh fucgking awsome write.
    iyts one of those im gonna havta read and reread with something new opeaned in each verse at each time i read iyt.
    now im gonna stop.

    peace out yoooooo.
    | Posted on 2006-12-29 00:00:00 | by DaGrimReaperess | [ Reply to This ]

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