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    dots Submission Name: 4 Winter Haikudots

    Author: rev.jpfadeproof
    ASL Info:    27/m/nyc
    Elite Ratio:    6.08 - 366/364/154
    Words: 53
    Class/Type: Haiku/Misc
    Total Views: 682
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 549

       messing around with some more fixed form haiku...
    they are just so much fun to write...

    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dots4 Winter Haikudots

    Trough frosted lashes:
    girlís twinkling eye catches
    a shooting star.

    Icicles dangle:
    A shivering homeless man
    savors his warm tea.

    Silvery blue breath:
    Tapestry of hues dance on
    cobble city streets.

    Metallic white winds
    blow upon steel blue waters,
    snow capped apples strewn.

    Submitted on 2006-12-30 23:35:51     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      Nice! I particularly liked the first because the imagery was so sharp and the ending was a surprise. It was nicely done.

    The last was my favourite since the image of an early snow causing apples to fall was a really great one. It's nice when you can take the poem to such different places in such a short piece.

    They are all good.

    | Posted on 2007-01-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, wonderful haiku. Paints a beautiful and frightening picture of winter.

    "A shivering homeless man
    savors his warm tea."

    I love that part, it forces you to think of men and women who may be less fortunate than you. While he 'savors his warm tea' many of us will be sitting home with heat or next to a fire place and taking it for granted.

    once again, great job john-paul,
    J. Ackson Jr.
    | Posted on 2007-01-16 00:00:00 | by JAcksonJr | [ Reply to This ]
      Hello Reverend, I came by your page and saw you wrote some haiku, and I happen to be a *cough* master *cough* of the haiku and its cousin, the senryu. Well... I know all the rules, if that would make one a master.

    Cold winterís evening:
    girlís twinkling eye catches
    a shooting star.

    Okay, I like this first one here, except for maybe one thing. The first line, "Cold winter's evening:" is very "telling," rather than showing. Maybe you could conjure up an image to convey that it's cold. Something like, "through frosted window," or something like that.

    Oh yeah, something I'll say here, but that applies to all haiku, is that they never capitalize anything but proper nouns and they are never ended with punctuation, so as to show that the image or feeling is never closed.

    Icicles dangle:
    A shivering homeless man
    savors his warm tea.

    I really like this one; the wonderful image of such a simple pleasure, and to that homeless man, that cup of tea is the whole world right there, in the cold. Beautiful.

    The last two are filled to the brim with description, maybe a little to many adjectives for my taste, but certainly capture a beautiful image. Haiku sure are fun!


    PS - Here, I'll share with you a senryu (like the haiku, but pretains to human nature) I wrote I think you'll appreciate:

    "I think he skimmed the book"

    a man on TV
    drove stakes through his hands and feet
    to be like Jesus

    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by IamYourTragedy | [ Reply to This ]
    I liked your haiku:
    Fixed form and grand description-
    Write some more soon please.

    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by Sacred Sindy | [ Reply to This ]
    Cold winterís evening:
    girlís twinkling eye catches
    a shooting star.

    Icicles dangle:
    A shivering homeless man
    savors his warm tea.

    Silvery blue breath:
    Tapestry of hues dance on
    cobble city streets.

    Metallic white winds
    blow upon steel blue waters,
    snow capped apples strewn.

    Well Reverend, your first two in the series are quite good and capture both the season and the nature of the form as it was intended. Will you continue to experiment with fixed forms or explore unstructured writes? BTW, the homeless man sipping tea was by far the best of the lot; that was truly a startling image that may lead many more fortunate than he to consider the good things they possess and the power of honest observation.

    Take care, J.P.
    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by rws | [ Reply to This ]
      I knew the magic would come out!!
    Oh you are doing a splendid job. I think that since you're having fun with it, your individual side is really coming out on this instead of experimenting as you did from the beginning. I knew that it would blossom very quickly!

    Gosh I just love all of them...it's amazing. I will comment more as soon as I can contain myself hehe (it was my holiday today so I'm a bit tired, forgive me), but I will add this as another favorite cuz I loved it . I will come back!

    | Posted on 2006-12-31 00:00:00 | by darkrose16 | [ Reply to This ]

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