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Elements


Author: sravenlyn
ASL Info:    17/f/NJ
Elite Ratio:    2.13 - 21 /58 /67
Words: 113
Class/Type: Poetry /Love
Total Views: 751
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 626



Description:




Elements



In the morning when I wake up
Your all my mind seems to take up
At night when I lay my head to sleep
Your in my thoughts, oh so deep
When the sun rises an the moon falls
Your all my voice seems to call
When the moon falls and the sun rises
Memories of you is the way my heart suprizes
When clouds roll in and the rain pours down
But since your all I think about , theres no frown
When the clouds fall apart and the sun shines
Everything is okay because your mine
With all of the elements on our side
There surely isnt anything to hide




Submitted on 2006-12-31 00:23:11     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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Comments


  this is very nice, but i agree with A.B.Beirce. i would get rid of the word 'but' in that line ~

But since your all I think about , theres no frown

it doesn't quite fit. apart from that, it's a really nice little love poem.
michelle
| Posted on 2006-12-31 00:00:00 | by whirl | [ Reply to This ]
  i really like this entire piece.
i really think that i've pretty much read this before and i also liked it before but i really did like the last two lines at the end.
it made it very unique.
i got kinda lost a bit with some of the imagery about the sky.
nice work.
Peace<3

<bleedingtears>
| Posted on 2006-12-31 00:00:00 | by BleedingTears | [ Reply to This ]
  The poem had a great feel, but sometimes had a hard time flowing. There was one line that didn't feel like it made sense

'When clouds roll in and the rain pours down
But since your all I think about , theres no frown'

It would work if you took out the words 'but since', or just 'since', or even 'when'.

I also really liked the aspect about elements, but I think it would be really cool to play them up even more.
| Posted on 2006-12-31 00:00:00 | by A.L. Beirce | [ Reply to This ]


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