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Imaginary Friend

Author: Memphis
ASL Info:    21/f/Right Here
Elite Ratio:    5.13 - 130 /158 /31
Words: 82
Class/Type: Poetry /Misc
Total Views: 1361
Average Vote:    No vote yet.
Bytes: 544


I'd just like to know what you think of this poem. Any feedback is welcomed and appreciated. And if you'd really like to know... this is just another piece in which I pick myself apart.

Imaginary Friend

Not unlike dead roses,
You are my friend.
Not unlike a whitewashed tomb.
You are the Mother of Miracle Workers.
My very own harbinger of all.
I come to implore you.
I need your healing touch.
I've given myself a nasty little papercut
that the medicine man won't fix.
Dearest friend, won't you heal me
Or even look at me at all?
Because when I am healed and remade whole,
We'll dance in the moonlight
To an uneven beat unheard by all.

Submitted on 2004-06-02 19:00:43     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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  Interesting similies; I think "like" is better than the long negative "not unlike." I felt that some of the poem seemed disjointed, out of place, while there were flashes of images and emotion that worked. There's kind of a fight between realism and fantasy here; elevated images and "nasty" base ones. I think this would be much better if you took another look at it and worked on the flow a little.
| Posted on 2005-01-13 00:00:00 | by dreamexandra | [ Reply to This ]
  2 comments...1 says it's great and the other doesn't know what it is about? I'm in between. I'd like to make the same journey you make in your mind when you travel along this poem but I don't think it's a must.

I feel like this could be tweaked in a few areas and here's how I'd do it and why....

Take or toss...

Not unlike dead roses,
Or a whitewashed tomb,
You are my friend.

Here, I feel like your first few lines are creating the false impression that this poem is going to be a long and boring list of "not unlike"....those types of poems usually

Mother of Miracle Workers.
My very own harbinger of all.

Here, I just felt the piece could survive without the words because if you can say it in 5 why say it in 10...

Because when I am healed and remade whole,
We'll dance in the moonlight
To an uneven beat unheard by all.

in this last stanza the repeat of "unheard/even" kind of clangs and "unheard by all" seems unnatural as a phrase. Maybe try rephrasing with something that conveys the same meaning but is slightly less awkward.

Overall I think the poem has a haunting quality and is kind of like a painting....the phrases throw up leads and the imagination follows them but must satisfy itself by exploring possiblities. For example, I took your papercut line to mean that she had tried to commit suicide....the story is there but it's shrouded....anyway. I like it

Have a great Christmas Maria. Daniel
| Posted on 2004-12-24 00:00:00 | by Daniel Barlow | [ Reply to This ]
  i like it it has a symbolist feel to it ,, i think now a days people need to be spoon fed like they always have to read billy collins or something it is good to have other styles
| Posted on 2004-06-02 00:00:00 | by slickone113 | [ Reply to This ]

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