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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Moon and Tigerdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 290
    Class/Type: Poetry/Passion
    Total Views: 695
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1838



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsMoon and Tigerdots
    -------------------------------------------





    The moon, in mood so brazen descends to bathe
    her luscious curves in softly shimmered sea.
    All unaware she bares such tempting fruit
    to view. As water laps a sweet caress
    of dew misting her parched and quivering mare.

    A shadow slides in stealth his feral eyes
    agleam to see her wayward form aglow.
    A tiger crouches he's ready to spring
    to plunge into her then and there, beware!

    He leaps from ledge unfurling power sleek
    his need to feed unbridled, now unsheathed
    his claw is ripping, hot and red. Moon moans,
    petrified? Or (faining fright) of fearsome sight
    claw poised to strike, her dorsa oh so (bare)

    Agasp she cries: my certain doom is nigh!
    But moon has pluck she stands albedo bright
    ready this night to meet the tiger's charge.

    And sea is churned to froth, the tiger snarls
    unprepared for moon's true heat (tiger burns)
    Riding the crest he bares his fangs and fury
    shines in golden eyes, he writhes, he rides!

    Ravaged-moon reflects his howls a tempest born.
    Tiger-and-moon now joined in frantic fray
    equals? Strives a beast to feast a light to shine
    but tiger's hungry and he's tasted blood
    it drips from moon to stain the virgin-sky.
    And tiger's pulse has never throbbed this high.

    But moon easily meets his rise to climax
    and the tiger's triumph roars as fire dies.
    Then moon just beams a dreamy devilish look
    it seems she's played a tigers game before.

    Moon sighs, returns to bathe. The sea as glass
    reflects every moment that comes to pass.






    Submitted on 2006-12-31 22:07:18     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      In all my days of writing dreamy prose to the moon, always a- she, but never described with luscious curves, and you make it work so well. And in all the couples in the jungle, only you can match the tiger with a moon, and again, make it seem as natural as life itself. What a vigorous tiger and sultry moon, metaphors that name themselves, allowing the two to be a match made in the sky.

    And the wonderful sea who churns and creates more passion beyond what the tiger brings.

    One thing I always admired and still do, is the wreck less way you make your words skip and work for you. Iambic whateva-- at times it is a fine add but to capture the read with what seems to be non-calculated intent that's a pure gift. You poetry should be a category of its own, a Picasso that was birthed to break the rules and prove words can be art without a polished method. (a true compliment &#9786;)
    | Posted on 2010-11-28 00:00:00 | by Just Kel | [ Reply to This ]
      I used the same word, 'Mare' in a poem of mine once and no one understood the significance, a dark region on the Moon--this was your intent as well, correct? The first stanza is very heavily feminine, the Moon, water(seas)fruit...the whole thing is utterly romantic, passionate. A tiger, the male fiend who bathes under moonglow but who wants a little more than just 'her' shadow cast across his form...visceral.

    I like this:
    'Moon moans,
    petrified? Or (faining fright)'

    because a moan can mean so much, whereas here I belive it to be a moan of pleasure in the guise of fright, feminine charms of seduction fully used.

    I just really like this entire stanza:

    'And sea is churned to froth, the tiger snarls
    unprepared for moon’s true heat (tiger burns)
    Riding the crest he bares his fangs and fury
    shines in golden eyes, he writhes, he rides!'

    the Sea has much meaning, deep and soulful. So when combined with the powers of the Moon and this predator/lover Tiger, it is very effective. The idea that though the Moon appears to be the Tiger's "victim" it just isn't so-she is in control the entire time, made evident here:

    'Then moon just beams a dreamy devilish look,
    it seems she’s played a tigers game before.'

    The ending lines are very quiet and subdued compared to rest of the piece--a calm afterglow.

    *Wow--cigarette anyone?*

    All in all (tout ensemble) I enjoyed, enjoyed, enjoyed immensely...


    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by metalnymph | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Dale,
    As usual, I'll start on meter. I really have trouble in this poem with the mix of perfect iambic pentameter lines (3 out of 5 in Stanza 1, 3 out of 4 in Stanza 2, more than half of them overall, it seems) with irregular lines. It leads me to a constant feeling of tripping in the ones that are not regular pentameter. This may just be due to my current metrical obsessions, but the iambic pentameter is such a classic meter that when you have them coming regularly, you really do set up an expectation for the next lines.
    Also, some of your pentameter lines are really beautiful. For ex.
    her luscious curves in softly shimmered sea.
    He leaps from ledge unfurling pow’r sleek
    Tiger-and-moon now joined in frantic fray


    On the other hand, these, to my ear, sound bad (probably all the more so in the context of the majority of pentameters around them)

    A tiger crouched he’s ready to spring
    to feed is out of control, the moon moans,
    unprepared for moon’s true heat (tiger burns)
    reflects every moment that comes to pass.

    I think it would really be worth trying to make the piece regular.

    Details:
    > upon her parched and quiv’ring mare.
    Is this supposed to be /mahrEY/ i
    the "seas of the moon"?
    > He leaps from ledge unfurling pow’r sleek
    Why the ' in "pow'r"? if you leave it with two syllables, you get a perfect iambic pentameter
    > o’ tiger’s hungry and he’s tasted blood
    I don't understand the o'

    Content.
    I like the overall theme, quite visual (but you can't avoid the blood, can you ;-). Some of the lines are striking in visual beauty (and usually they're the ones that are nice pentameter, so somehow the two go together, at least in my mind). I think that you could make it better by tightening it and making it shorter. Some of the lines seem slightly redundant.

    Best,
    PH
    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhhh I do love a good tiger poem, my totem since I was a young child.
    Great poem, I cant say more, than I love it.
    Another bright spark on an otherwise shi# day.
    Cheers.
    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by Andz | [ Reply to This ]
      I love your first stanza, I'm not a fan of poetry old style but I like this. I've never seen the moon portray feminine beauty so successfully as in you first stanza. My style is drastically different none the less I'll make a few suggestions. take or leave em. throughout the poem it felt to me you could easily drop certain words because they add no meaning ex...

    "All unaware she bares such tempting fruit
    to view. As water laps a sweet caress
    of dew upon her parched and quiv’ring mare."

    I'd drop All from the beginning. Unaware is a little stronger start in my opinion also I'd drop the of before due though the impact is less then the previous it read just as well without it. With longer pieces it's usually good to get to the just of it minimizing words that take up space but don't add meaning. I enjoyed you use of assonance throughout this piece particularly the eew sound of fruit view moon ect. perhaps this adds to the feminine portrait you've personified. thank for your time. peace
    | Posted on 2007-01-01 00:00:00 | by shaman | [ Reply to This ]


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