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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Sonnet: Harnessed in initial fascindots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Lerlim
    ASL Info:    48/M/France
    Elite Ratio:    8 - 110/58/18
    Words: 101
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1247
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 665



    Description:
       Thanks to Chris and Dale for their comments on the initial post. I've decided that they're right and that the meter needs some variation after a while, so I've introduced a couple of iambic lines in the second part, still maintaing a majority of trochaic pentameter.


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsSonnet: Harnessed in initial fascindots
    -------------------------------------------


    Harnessed in initial fascination,
    Set to climb the steep and winding path,
    Student of the discipline of patience,
    Wary of a wintry aftermath.

    Restive facing switchbacks on the trail,
    Eager for a summit hid in shrouds,
    Novice on the passes I must scale,
    I fear that I may lose you in the clouds.

    I'm hoping that your way runs near to mine
    Like a ladder's side-bars linked in rungs,
    Double helix parallel yet twined,
    In winds so new that they enchant our lungs.

    Singing gaily we can take our time:
    All the pleasure truly in the climb.




    Submitted on 2007-01-01 05:15:40     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      Harnessed in initial fascinations,
    Set to climb the steep and winding path,
    Student of the discipline of patience,
    Wary of a wintry aftermath.

    Restive facing switchbacks on the trail,
    Eager for a summit hid in shrouds,
    Novice on the passes I must scale,
    Fearful I may lose you in the clouds.

    Wishing that your way runs near to mine
    Like a ladder's side-bars linked in rungs,
    Double helix parallel yet twined,
    Breath so fresh that it enchants our lungs.
    Singing gaily we can take our time:
    All the pleasure's truly in the climb.

    This was an interesting exercise that you embarked on and you seem to have been quite successful with the rhythm, but I find it unsatisfying. By the opening of the 9L I am ready for some sort of resolution/turn, and would really need to see a more assertive line, probably iambic. Perhaps something like “I only wish your way ran near to mine”, and to have the rest of the poem remain in your rhythm of choice would be just fine. But I really do feel I need that turn in the 9th line. This brings up another problem of tense, 'runs' would be better “ran” “Wishing that your way ran near to mine” would be in line with your rhythm, but still does not give a turn-- and then the closing couplet
    “Singing gaily we *could* take our time
    All the pleasure truly in the climb”,

    because it seems to me what you are doing in this sonnet is projecting a wish to be with someone, thus you need a bit more consistency in tense perspective. As follows is the way I would be inclined to present this poem: [my changes in brackets]

    Harnessed in initial fascinations,
    Set to climb the steep and winding path,
    Student of the discipline of patience,
    Wary of a wintry aftermath.

    Restive facing switchbacks on the trail,
    Eager for a summit hid in shrouds,
    Novice on the passes I must scale,
    [I fear that I might lose you in the clouds.]

    [I only wish your way ran near to mine][
    Like a ladder's side-bars linked in rungs,
    Double helix parallel yet twined,
    Breath so fresh [it would enchant] our lungs.

    Singing gaily we [could] take our time:
    All the pleasure[] truly in the climb.

    but this perhaps does not coincide with your specific purpose, and my abilities at analysing scansion are practically non-existent. I find the lack of variation in rhythm a trifle boring (perhaps that is why you didn’t find poems written in this meter?) So you've embarked on an interesting exercise here,-- leave it to you to challenge yourself in this way and pull it off so well.
    ~chris



    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      


    This one has a somniferous tone that
    I find hard to shake I like the first stanza
    well enough but the passion shown here
    is too esoteric for me, it reminds me of
    of a scientist lost in contemplation
    of his platonic partner one who shares his
    love for knowledge. But all in a quiet
    worshipful way nothing that would really
    get your blood pumping. I am not sure
    what else I could do for you on this one
    I can follow the train of thought just fine.
    Nothing seems forced it flows peacefully
    along like a mellow summer brook. I
    could in light of my reaction to your
    poem take the summation as an
    example of why poems are not
    written in trochaic pentameter
    but the rising rhythms of iambic.
    I do however feel that the occasional
    variation of iambic meter used as
    counterpoint in mood is a good thing.
    So whether that is your intention or
    not you have certainly convinced me.

    In conclusion I can see this poem
    maintaining the falling meter until
    line one stanza two after that I
    would work in an iambic flow and
    end the crescendo in the couplet.






    HARnessed/ iN i/nItial/ fAsci/nAtions,
    Set to climb the steep and winding path,
    Student of the discipline of patience,
    Wary of a wintry aftermath.

    Restive facing swITchbAcks on the trail,
    Eager for a summit hid in shrouds,
    Novice on the passes I must scale,
    Fearful I may lose you in the clouds.

    Wishing that your way runs near to mine
    Like a ladder's side-bars linked in rungs,
    Double helix parallel yet twined,
    Breath so fresh that it enchants our lungs.

    Singing gaily we can take our time:
    All the pleasure's truly in the climb


    | Posted on 2007-01-02 00:00:00 | by DaleP | [ Reply to This ]


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