Description: when you read this, don't look too hard for meaning. I made this poem to be fun to read, just on a basic atavistic level.
~~ you guys probably won't like it, sorry ;_;
falling love -------------------------------------------
FBIs, hunting killers until madman!
(exclude those)
show dogs invariably want something just-
Lines! as radial, have a look- several live!
He's flown behind numerous engines
but...
Take alien tagline:
falling love never hurt
Friend rachel, she sang a very good singersong, written, filming!
Graphic, master artist, creative.
I watched the
wall all pointed guns at me.
Through superior versions poses, calculated adult, world sheer.
but listening to myself in horror as it came out all dewy-eyed and
Chaotic is perhaps too much of an understatement, though as fitting of a word as I can conjure for now. But chaotic in a good way. A really good way.
The first stanza to me, is all about the breaking of stereotypes... the FBI agent turned madman, the prissy show dog desiring more, the unsatisfied pilot or driver... maybe not breaking of of stereotype, but of the secret desires and twists of people, things.
Falling love never hurt... falling in love never hurts? I'm struggling for meaning with this second strophe, but I know, I know, it wasn't written with the intent of meaning anything. I'm just looking for the subconscious's work, which was evident in the first strophe. Parents you have fallen in love with Rachel.......? I'll go with no meaning for now.
The last strophe and final line sounded to me like your surroundings and the world have ganged up on you, and quite unmercifully so. Despite your efforts to become part of it, it has rejected you.
That's what I extrapalated from this, despite your saying there was really no meaning. I liked it a lot, it's very fun to read, and the pace fits it excellently.
This reminds me of Chomsky's theories on syntax... in that way you've taken out certain connectives, while still keeping it spliced together.
Why have you taken them out? To me, to impart that maniacal feeling where everything is rushing along at 3.3 million miles per hour (multiplied by the amount of flies on the ceiling doing an Irish jig while your dog Scruffy licks his rear end after rolling in too much hay).
If that made no sense, it doesn't matter lol.
First strophe: paranoia (as evidenced by your opening FBI line).
Second strophe: perhaps slight jealousy for your friend; at the very least, admiration for her creative multi-tasking. Perhaps this "Rachel" is the object of affection for your object of affection? That's what it made me think.
Third strophe: metaphorical resignation--to the firing squad, to the waterlogged ground about to swallow you up.
You know, I'm probably 3.3 million miles off, but hey lol.
Consider Revising: NEVER EVER APOLOGIZE like you did in your description. This automatically places the reader on the offensive to look for errors and to be harsh. If you are not confident in your work, few others will be. Other than, that – no revisions from me.
Praises: This is odd. I do really really like this piece (and by the way, I am quite critical). But the reason for which I enjoy this poem is lost. I do like the nonsensical feel of excitement throughout. Maybe that is what you meant. That falling love is cause for nonsensical thoughts and raw feelings of panic. Specifically, I like the first stanza’s opening. This immediately gives me excitement and keeps me reading. The repeated exclamation points would normally turn me off but it works here. The second stanza follows the first quite well – as if you elaborate on the first idea in the midst of an abrupt change of subject. The last stanza further illustrates the panic from the first stanza and the lengthy pause for the last line creates the tension felt by the character.
My fav lines: (S1:L1), (S2:L3), (last line)
Overall: (A) – and believe me, I don’t give those out. This is odd for me – I always want to understand the meaning of a poem, but this is the first one in which I simply “felt it,” and did not focus on a cerebral interpretation – which is exactly what you wanted in your description. So in short, I think you aimed for a specific target and hit it very well.
This is amazingly ambiguis. Like, wooha. I have no real idea how to articulate exactly what it is I'm supposed to be taking from this beyond a certain feeling. The poem is so very cryptic. Hmm... Is it that everything is different than it at once seems, or that things change and can become their opposites? Is it about motivation? Or maybe it's about hysteria; because that's the feeling I get. I feel like a crazy person is telling me important things in a barely understandable langauge, but it's immensely important to try to hear them, to try to understand because if I don't I'm going to miss something beautiful, something stirring.
Submission Name: falling love
