Description: I wrote this a while back... and even though, it's still true, for the most part. It's one of my old journals and there's a part of the journal that explains the way I'm feeling right now soooo well. I mean I had no idea I could stay ing the same crappy position for SO LONG! The only difference is I'm not suicidal now. :)
my soul...wth?! -------------------------------------------
MY SOUL DARKENS
WHEN IT'S ALREADY DARK
MY SOUL HARDENS
WHEN IT'S AS HARD AS STONE
MY MIND WEAKENS
WHEN IT'S ALREADY WEAK
MY HEART BLEEDS
WHEN THERE IS NOT MORE BLOOD
I'M TRAPPED IN A NEVER ENDING CIRCLE OF PAIN
SOMETHING, SOMEWHERE I THOUGHT I COULD HANDLE
BUT I CAN'T AND I'M TRAPPED AND THERE'S NO WHERE TO GO
I'M STUCK IN THIS HOLE AND I WANT TO BE DEAD
You've expressed your pain and your feeling of being trapped. Maybe simply expressing it, taking enough distance to talk about it, to give it shape(here the recurrent of the first 8 lines) and make it accessible to others, can already help you to deal with it. I hope so for your sake. I'm glad you're no longer feeling suicidal.
I'm sure my sister, who died of natural causes at the age of 17, but who had attempted suicide before that, felt, at times at least, pretty much in the same place that you did. And there have been times when I did too. I'm not try to say your feelings are banal or common. But sensitive and intelligent teenagers are often confronted with feelings of this type. And, for me at least, somehow, it did get better as I grew older.