I am trying
Tired of dying
Sick of always lying
Fuck the rhyming
Let's say it right
I try to live a life best suited for me. Trying to be the good person I know I can be. Want to live a life without doubt. Can't help if life's not always right. Not my fault my life's awry. Maybe it is. Who knows? Say it right? Here it is...My life's a sham and you only wish you knew the things I do...because you'd be just as fuct up as I wish I wasn't. Confused, Yeah...Who isn't...I just wish I wouldn't feel the way I do...all of the time...Because I think it is going to kill me sooner or later...i cannot really explain what is wrong. Because it's to hard to explain. I can't see long enough to get through this pain...I just wish that someone could tell me what to do. Help me...Because I am so lost and confused...I wish I could let someone else walk in my shoes. If only for a little while. Just an inch...a few feet...a mile...Just long enough for me to find some peace...Just long enough for this pain to cease...
Very hard place to be. I'm going to sound like an adult talking to a teenager, because that's what I am, an adult ... but there's nothing condescending in what I'm saying. I've known those feelings, and sometimes, even today, they can creep up on me. Feeling that my life was a sham, feeling confused, feeling encircled in pain. Those are hard feelings to deal with. But I think that anyone who is truly alive and sensitive must go through them.
Just a few words on some of the specific things you say. I undertand the desire for certainty, the desire for a life without doubt. It's legitimate to seek that comfort. But if you think about it, you will see that that is the way that leads to fanaticism, to fundamentalist christianty or islam, or whatever, to fascism. All those people live lives without doubt. Or use whatever view of the world they espouse as a solution to their internal doubts. You really don't want not to have doubts. Questioning one's actions, one's feelings, one's thoughts is what it is to truly be alive as a human being. Even if it's hard, doubt can be turned into a positive value (of course, you don't want to let it get completely out of control, but you know the solution to doubt as well as I do: just sit in front of your TV 12 hours a day... and let the rest of the world live your life for you -- that's not what you want, I don't think, or you wouldn't be posting here).
And, as long as you doubt, question, seek, your life really is not a sham. It may be hard, but a sham it isn't. It's a sham when you don't doubt. Going through your feelings, trying to express them and understand them, the way your doing here, is the path to self knowledge -- it's a slow and long path, but it is the path of being alive and not dead, and it is full of doubting.
Only you can walk in your shoes: if someone else is walking in them, you're giving your life away, you're no longer being YOU. Again, I empathasize with all of these feelings, there are times when life feels too hard, too much to deal with, where you wish that someone else would deal with it for you. But no, that's not the path for someone as smart and sensitive as you. As alluring as these images may be, try to see them as mirages -- none of this will make you happy except phoney pink plastic way.
Good luck to you then, young seeker, on your path, hard though it may be, at least it is your own path.