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    dots Submission Name: After due considerationdots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Serious
    Total Views: 486
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 689


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsAfter due considerationdots

    Go drink deeply the blood of first amour
    set forth to scale this precipice in awe.
    Use if you will, the art of artless
    conversation, but don’t forget the heat
    that flames inside your core, the fire ever
    throbbing hotter as you learn of guile
    and craft it to manipulate your love.

    Indeed, there is more to love than roses,
    there are so many bedroom games to play.
    The ties that bind are silken, are they not?
    And ice so cold can also make her hot.
    Her dreams are not just made of fantasy—
    they are the binding force set forth to blaze
    your name, from first we kiss to infamy…

    Submitted on 2007-01-02 01:15:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
    Very well thought out and written. It held captivating words of secret passion. Does the narration change in the second half? I was just wondering because of the change in pronouns. Overall I enjoyed it very much because it is different than what i usually find here

    | Posted on 2008-10-12 00:00:00 | by isis_lenore | [ Reply to This ]
      Consider Revising: L3 ‘art of artless conversation’ is uncomfortable when read aloud. Punctuation could help in this piece. For example: L5 ‘core the throb’ should be something like ‘core, the throb.’ There are a few other places when a period could had been used and the next sentence could begin with a capital letter in the first word. L10 and L11 end in a simple, one syllable rhyme. Frown.

    Praises: Your language is intense, consistent with the mood of the poem. You make frequent mention of fiery adjectives – flames, blaze, hot, heat etc., Your language is fluid. Example is my fav line, the last line. It rolls off the tongue as does L2. Smile. The poem is direct, evidence by the commanding verbs you use. L1 ‘go drink.’ This gives the speaker confidence in a subject (which I think is lovemaking) which demands confidence.

    Overall: (B-) because of the punctuation errors which can be confusing and somewhat exhaustive. However, it seems as though you hit your target well and used proper language to hit it.
    | Posted on 2007-01-02 00:00:00 | by tjsmith5 | [ Reply to This ]

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