I've got to agree with Silverdog with pretty much everything listed. It should also be mentioned that not only is the comma after 'emotions' extraneous, so are the ones following 'ideas' and 'devotion.'
Basically what we have here are three phrases properly separated by semicolons that should all be pointing toward the same target.
I liked the formatting here, and the idea behind the poem, but I think that in some instances the words themselves need more consideration. The style is minimalistic, so each has to count,--- each word in this style of poem has to be drenched in meaning. The word count says 155, but I count 15 (obviously a glitch)
Roaring emotions, of spledious love;
You don't need a comma after emotions,--and what word were you thinking of with "spledious" The wordroaring evokes a noise, like a the sound when you hold a seashell to your ear, or the roar of a fire ina woodstove,--both work to describe surging emotions.
Thrilling ideas, of eternal contempt;
"Thrilling" is rather ambiguous here, --in one sense it is cliché (the thrill of love etc) and yet it doesn't really blend with "ideas", --and what do you mean by "eternal contempt?" These two lines were an enigma to me.
Rushing devotion, of pure sincerity.
I liked "rushing devotion" and it reflecys back to the "roaring" sound in the first line, reminding of a river, --so i can see being "carried away", or "drifting along" as ina dream state. But "pure sincerity" doesn't seem to quite blend in with this either.
I love the idea of the poem,--Delirium, ( of love)-and i like the formatting and sparse style---I think you just need to search ( your heart, soul as well as thesaurus) for the "right" words.
Submission Name: Delirium
