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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: pieces of shadowdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 340
    Class/Type: Poetry/
    Total Views: 767
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1915



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotspieces of shadowdots
    -------------------------------------------





    lost in the shadows half out of my mind
    caught in the rift and ripped out on rhyme
    reading the tombs in a grave yard of shame
    I come to the stone inscribed with her name

    a pit in the ground with an old iron box
    somehow she managed to rust off the locks
    a trail of decay leads into the mist
    scattered pieces of her given a kiss

    then placed in a bag to be dragged along
    each and every one a part of her song
    her worlds out of whack crumbling and cracked
    the head of a child a hammer has smacked

    it bleeds from its seams so sick and obscene
    tears are the acid dissolving her dreams
    you donít plant children in holes in the ground
    they just wont grow into cute little clowns

    the sound of thunder is rumble-ing loud
    somewhere ahead stroll the dead in black shrouds
    like lepers they shed hollow husks flowing red
    they chant in the dark and beg for their bread

    life mocks them all and hands them their stones
    you are not supposed to eat youíre walking bones
    she is lost out there alone in the crowd
    the fire of hell she wears as one cowed

    the land she lives in is shattered and grim
    zombies and demons are babble-ing hymns
    searching the rubble with blood in my eyes
    I have to find where each puzzle piece lies

    among all these faces blackened with grime
    sheís out here somewhere half out of her mind
    a million places in which she can hide
    but there is only one where she resides

    a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme
    sitting alone staring at stone cracked in
    a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme










    Submitted on 2007-01-02 08:51:41     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    ||| Comments |||
      You have done very well with the rhyme in this piece. I know it is hard because rhyme limits one to what they want to say. So very well done.

    The piece has a lot of forboding in it, but it doesn't take away. It pulls the reader in. The anguish felt by the writer also speaks to the reader on many different levels. No matter how it is interpreted. I felt those emotions, and that is the way it should be. Sad and drawn in to it.

    The only problem I have is with the 3rd and 4th lines of the 4th stanza just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the piece. Maybe it is just me. Also, I believe that the last stanza could be better in a way that it will wrap the piece up nicely.

    All in all, a very heartbreaking piece. I feel as if I must fav it.

    Brightest Blessings,
    Crystal
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      I've read this a few times and had to come back after mulling it over a bit--what struck me the most was the fresh take on Death and also, because I'm a helpless romantic, it is full of heartache--albeit a dark and twisted one, but a little sadness nonetheless...is it a visit to a grave where the entity/"girl"/zombie is reliving her life through pieces of poetry?? She was a poetess and now her writings lay scattered and broken like dead bones...that's the image I'm picking up...

    The timing, the rhythm of the piece is very good. I think the gist of it lies in the idea of being lost in the afterlife and telling the tale through verses.

    I'm not sure exactly why but I stumbled here with the structure of these lines:

    'a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme
    [sitting alone staring at stone cracked in]
    a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme'

    namely the middle line, perhaps the syllabic pattern threw me off, it seems to need something else to round it off, to connect it to the other two lines[a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme']

    Perhaps:
    'a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme
    sitting alone staring at stone {cracked by time)
    a world thatís all shadows ripped out on rhyme'

    Just a suggestion...a friendly one :)
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by metalnymph | [ Reply to This ]
      Kinda reminds me of Alice Cooper's "Pick Up the Bones." It feels almost like a satire of 'B' horror movies in parts by using images of the shrouded dead and blood imagery. I really like this one; it fits in well with most of my movie collection.

    Loozer
    | Posted on 2007-01-02 00:00:00 | by ultimitloozer | [ Reply to This ]


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