Through my eyes I see what life has instore
There is no turning back
A forward path is the only road I take
There will be roadblocks
But with a positive mind
One can find the way to happiness
In my hands
I hold the answer to all my dreams
If one can feel joy
Then that joy will lead to a productive life
My legs though sore
Carry me forward
To a place where I finally feel free
The sound of silence controls me
Alone is where I want to stay
Family and Friends will live in my heart
When sadness comes
I look there to take away the melancholy mood
Nature and I
Together Forever
The way it was intended to be
For the first time in my life
I am happy
No one can interfere
With the Positive life I choose to live
Hey Ron
I really liked this poem. Very simple but the point was put nicely. It really made me think about some of the choices I have made in life and how they have affected me. Did I make the right choice? And am I happy with it. As for actual writing involved, I will admit that I am still a bit of a budding writer and need a lot of guidance myself, I do feel as though it felt a little stuttered in places. I am not really sure as to advice or where exactly. I really loved the feelings portrayed and loved it.
Ron,
I really enjoyed this write. It's not too complex in the words, but the meaning makes me think very differently and deeply into how I go about my life and the things that I worry about. Also, I feel this piece talks about how so many things in life are choices that we have, and the ramifications that we live with from those choices. It gives a definite there is a good and joyful side of things, if one thinks optimistically and trys their best to make their life a productive, enjoyable, peaceful life while keeping all that is truly important in your life. It's a great work to accomplish that, and to make me think in such a way. Very good job.
this is good, i like the positiveness in this poem,although there seems to be a sad undertone as well, the lines about familyand friends.maybe something has happened in your past and you have decided to turn over a new leaf, start over again, on your own just you and nature.anyway, you know where you are going and why,and positive energy is healthy. you know the road won,t be easy but you are determined to suceed.your future is in your hands.i admire your courage. i enjoyed this poem,
good luck
tschüß
gerry
To start off with a little nitpick - "instore" in the first line should be "in store". That done, now to the interesting part.
I do from time to time swing by your page, and this text took me in as a very surprising text, and somewhat different from many of your other writes. Apart from it being a bit to cliché-ish for my taste, it also looks like an other mans writing then yours.
I know you do not care much for complex structure, just letting it being a straight forward write. But in doing so, you should look back at what you have written in the start when nearing the ending. It is a problem when binding the text together, so to present itself as a whole, to have the individual lines not contradicting each other.
"Through my eyes I see what life has instore
There is no turning back
A forward path is the only road I take
...
Alone is where I want to stay
Family and Friends will live in my heart"
These parts of the text contradict each other, as you imply a 'no looking back' whit the "A forward path is the only road I take". But the "Family and Friends will live in my heart" imply a recollection of time past, and the memories of friends and family.
The problem as I see it is not in the latter part, but in the moving forward/no turning back part. You need to straighten this out as it leaves a complete mess of the imagery as a whole, also concerning the overall picture presented in the ending of the text. As it is now, the happiness and positivity comes from isolation and detachment from real relations of the friends and family 'in your heart'.
Point here being that you effectively escapes reality, and places yourself in a position where you make up the lives of others - you write the narratives of others. This is building a mirror image of the people you know and you let them become what you want them to be. As you are isolated, they cannot revolt to the image you create them in - they are not who they are but what you make them.
This results in a statement that the positive life the 'you' of the text chooses to live, is based in a foundation of isolation. It is implied that the positive life will end come the day that someone interferes in the escapism and presents a real relation to the 'you'.
This is also seen from the lines:
"Family and Friends will live in my heart
When sadness comes
I look there to take away the melancholy mood"
Again when you see this as leading to the isolation with nature.
All in all this makes the text have a grim outlook on people and there interrelations with each other. It just does not seem like you to write something this alienated from the positive potential in human relations.
This is a horror story about the wickedness of human nature, and the inability to live together in a peaceful and positive world.
I like the bit about you finding self-fulfillment with nature "the way it was intended to be". I guess im just a hippy and that line, in the context of such an optimistic poem, really holds with me. I also like the bit about the tired legs, like the journey towards being happy is exactly that, a grueling trip to where you want to be...
anyway....
peaceeeeeee haha
Thank you for the comment you left on my poem ,'the widow'. if you know any poetry publication places ,or how i can find a publisher , please give me some advice on that. I've been wanting to publish some of my poetry for about 5 years now. As for your writing..I enjoyed this piece. The words go well together ,and it doesnt rhyme..which is good. I like seeing something that doesnt rhyme all the time. Rhyme gets rather boring in my opinion. I've written something like this before , and whenever I read something like this , it always calms the mood when you have a bad day and then you read something like that and it just kinda gives you some hope. Keep up the writing.
Holly
i always thought people like saying inner peace is making peace with yourself...
i think yours is different i think i like your way more...
it is about a choice...
i am mumbling...
i realize that whatever i say cant be orginal as i saw you have 100 over comments...
i think i just wanted to say is that i am glad at you pointed out to people that there is always a choice...
that might not sit well with those who had a hard and tough life but we can choose how we think of it...
its hard but it is possible...
i should quit mumbling
It sounds to me that you have found a great comfort in a safety nook or niche of being alone with your thoughts and with the sounds of nature. It is good that you have chosen to keep your friends and loved ones in your heart so that you can go there to fight the potential onset of lonliness. I wish you the best in your solo endeavor.
either i read this and did not comment coz seems like i read it before. i love it when a person decides to live life and forget about the negativity, to just decide and enjoy it. i know i can but not without Jesus, i can only go so far by myself. but this was a good write.
personally, i think it is great that you have found inner peace, and it is just amazing how much one person would do for thier soul, heart, peace, etc....
however, this is a critique, not group therapy....
as wonderful the theme, your piece lacks any real form or flow to catch the reader attention. i had a really hard time making myself read it instead of skim. it is a beautifully heartfelt poem, but it lacks meter and rythm.
even if you do write free verse, and i know many people do these days, you still need to be able to find a certain beat... free verse means with out rhyme, not without structure of any kind.
you could have put a bit more raw emotion into it. the reader sees that you are happy, but the serenity does not transcend the page....i want to be able to cry, laugh and love right along with the speaker and all i saw here was a generic card or perhaps something forced out of a recovering rehab patient.
dont be afraid to lay your heart and soul bare in your poetry.
it is simple, though, and simple is good, the more complicated, the more stuffy and old school.
it waxes eloquent about halfway through, which is nearly enough to salvage it....
i am sorry, but i try to be as honest with others as i want them to be with me.
It was very uplifting to read something positive. I admit even I create the most from sadness. But this was intelligent and paced. The way you laid out the words helped along the way I read this...It complimented it well.
I like that. At first, I thought it was way too happy for my liking, but after you said. "The sound of silence controls me" I realized it was wonderful.
Great write Ron, I absolutly loved it. I know the feeling of this one, I can grasp onto it. I feel like I'm walking that path over and over again like a replayable videogame.
I love the word choice in this piece, really captivates me. (You used my favorite word, melancholy.) Your flow, amazing, there's tons about this write that just, grasps me by the throat and thows me to the ground and yells, "Do it like this or you'll suck!"
Don't worry I know that's not true, each writer has their own style, word choice, rhyme, meter, blah, blah, and blah.
Sorry I'm just rambling now, thanks for everything man
Oh my.
This practically radiates positive energy out of my computer screen. Such a feeling of real inner peace, you named it very appropriately.
There are surprisingly less capitalized words, I suppose you didn't put so much emphasis on them, but still, it was quite effective nonetheless.
Apart from that, I can only say you did this concept thorough justice.
Continue writing well.
Cheers
Azuire
welll you asked for me to check out some of your writtings and i am starting with this one (i will def. check out more)
i like this peice a lot because its simple
a lot of times (what i was expecting form the title) peices about inner peice and all the jazz are often poorly written/too simple or way to complex and filled with ideas only the writter can pick up on from reading it
you mangaged to find a nice balance
i liked the line about even though your legs are sore you keep going
its lesson we all need to learn to just keep going that one day we will find that inner peace
I really like the way this piece shows the power behind one's personal discourse..
You acknowledge that, inevitably, things will come along that cause discomfort and pain, but you return with the suggestion that the simple choice to look towards positivity can carry you through. I definitely agree with this..
Good write.
And thanks for commenting on my poem, #2. It's the first I've posted in a while, and it was good to see someone enjoyed it.
this is nice. Slightly cliché however. Its a nice write but it seems sort of...used. No offense of course. I know you are probably feeling all these things but bring something original to the table. Something which provokes thought. Still a nice write. But you can do better.
Hmmm. Sounds more like an inner monologue or inner turmoil, but I suppose Inner Peace is the goal here.
Though I disagree with some of the ideas expressed here (the idea that joy will lead to productivity, for example) you have every right to hold those beliefs... I suppose. Better than being depressed, I guess.
You know, in one way I can relate. I was just thinking in the shower this afternoon that our general moods are (for most) a product of their own choosing.
This is a very positive write Ron and very good. I wish I had the same inner peace, but alas my thoughts are to jumbled and life is overcoming my senses, but I'm glad that you are going forward and moving ahead with a excellent attitude. Good for you and I hope everything works out for you.
Hey Ron (cool first name) its been awhile since I have been around. Busy with my music and the studio. This write pulls together that happiness that we can only find in ourselves, but you brilliantly pull it off without coming across sacrificing what society sees as happiness that can only come from being surrounded by those who love us. No selfishness here whatsoever. Sometimes we need to tell those we love to back up 2 steps so we can breathe nature. I think we are all compelled to revisit the nature and the water from whence we came, and sometimes that requires making that visit alone. I hope to see some writes from your cross country travels by train. There HAD to be some beautiful scenery. One of my older writes came from such a trip through 3 states by car. I have been digging into my older writes, some that were never posted here... stealing lines from them and reworking them to fit musical bars, while trying to hold a style, mainly about life and family and God. It is hard to post some writes here that are actually songs because the criticism requires criticism from a lyrical/song point of view. For example, cliché and repititions have to be overlooked. I will check out more of your stuff soon.
This is a wonderful and inspirational write about positives and the power of positive thinking. No matter how much life has battered us, we can control our mind and it can let us see the sunshine, even through the clouds! This is very intuitive, and I believe it offers hope to all who read it!
You try to describe a style of life that makes you happy. And while most people would lead a happy life with a partner, I feel that you are describing a life where you are on your own. That when you're alone it's when you're truely happy.
That is a very brave way to live. For me, loneliness is about the scariest thing there is. I don't think i'd be able to face such a way of life. But kudos for you, if you can :)
There you go Ron. A gift of positivity. I am all for the idea of finding happiness and not allowing anything or anyone to beat it up. Walls are meant to be torn down. Obstacles are only temporary:) Good work man! 6
Submission Name: Inner Peace
