I thought this poem was a little confusing... i don't think there are enough words to get your point across... i kind of understand what you're trying to say, but you might want to add in some more words... just a thought. keep writing!
I think this was a pretty simple concept that doesn't work well as a short write. It's very vague yet easily understood, thus making it just common seeming. Expand a bit i think, since the base of your idea is very nice.