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    dots Submission Name: The dead will soon rise!dots

    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 171
    Class/Type: Poetry/Happy
    Total Views: 661
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 953


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsThe dead will soon rise!dots

    The dead will soon rise, so swallow goodbyes
    they walk alone under thunderous skies.
    Silvered with mist from graveyards they’re bound
    their world’s not a stage it’s a hunting ground.

    The blood in their veins is running red hot
    throbbing away on their way to the spot
    where fear flows like wine aged and refined
    and there’s plenty of prey on which to dine.

    The dead will soon rise, partake of goodbyes
    and suck a few brains right out of warm eyes.
    Never remiss, never just a sweet kiss
    never for a moment think they will miss

    a chance to party with leather and whips
    or crashing the scene with blood on their lips
    stop to have a sip from a Goth girls wrist.
    Goth girls are sweet they never resist.

    The dead will soon rise fiendish and wise
    no need for them to wear a disguise!

    Submitted on 2007-01-02 23:22:00     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!

    ||| Comments |||
      ZOMG. awsome poem. Zombies rawk. cool poem yo.

    The whole world is going dead yo.

    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by WD-40 | [ Reply to This ]
      Am I the only one who sees that the poem is posted as "Happy"?! So I think you've got the intended effect :) People never pay attention to details :|
    | Posted on 2007-01-05 00:00:00 | by Non-Sens-Uality | [ Reply to This ]
      This reminds of of the 'Night of the living Dead' - 1968 version, I watched partway through not too long ago (displayed on Google video).

    The 'Goth girl' bit added nice flavour & original humour to it. So, not many complaints - just a suggested comma after wine, that's about it. The rhyme scheme & style flowed well.

    But yeah, I really need to finish watching that movie sometime soon. Thanks!

    | Posted on 2007-01-04 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      I really like this. The way I see it, you've taken a simple idea and worded it so it sounds awesome and detailed. I wasn't quite sure on the lines 13-16. Although I think it's just a follow on about their description, I couldn't help but get a bit lost. They are actually good lines though.

    I like this so much because the topic is so interesting and you put it well. I love learning about zombies and the dead, etc.

    You did a really good job!
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by Axestasy | [ Reply to This ]
      This is funny. Sorry if it isn't suppose to be, but reading it all I could envision is Return of the Living Dead. An awesome movie by the way.

    Not much in feedback here, just that I liked morbidness of it. Hey call me crazy.

    Brightest Blessings,
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by lenotoire | [ Reply to This ]
      Hi Dale,

    This has a good rolling rhythm, and actually made me laugh (sorry if that is not the intended effect, but as I've already said, the vampire stuff either makes me laugh, or bores me, or makes me queasy -- you came close to the latter with the brain sucking bit ... brrrrrr). I think that the high density of anapests helps in this direction (not that anapestic rhythm is always humourous, see Yeats' "the white birds" for a perfect counterexample of what you can do with them). It seems to me that you had fun writing this, and good for you!!

    Some details.
    L6. the "away/way" repetition seems weak to me
    L.11. Ok, I get the tetrameter, but having the first "never" count as a trochee leads me to count the second "never" as one too, and then to have to back track in my mental reading so that it turns into the two weaks of an anapest.

    L12-15. The syntactic structure is not clear to me. I initially didn't notice the comma after "miss", and then read "a chance" as the object of miss, with a 3 way coordination of complements to it, so "a chance to party... whips" or "a chance (of) crashing...)" or "(to) stop ... wrists". But this doesn't really work it seems to me, because of the absence of "of" and "to". So then I wondered if the comma after "miss" was there on purpose, but if it is, I still can't really make sense of the structure. My guess is that you don't want the comma after "miss" and that you intend the coordinate structure, and of course, you can get away with it, it is intelligible (if you drop the comma at least), but just a tad sloppy (or poetically licensed, to say things in a sweet way).
    | Posted on 2007-01-03 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]

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