Little Mr. Perfect by C. Starr

It’s amazing to me,
That you have this ability.
To fool yourself so completely,
Really….
Lie to yourself and actually believe it.
Or at least……
Appear to.
You wanna make yourself the victim.
Oh, poor, poor you.
Never had a hand in any of it.
Clean of everything.
These people from your past did all this.
None of it is attached to your own soul.
Right ?
Little Mr. Perfect.
You make me fucking sick
Words of hate,
Hands of rage
And the next day you deny it.
Excuse it away.
No real depth and filled with insecurity,
Your just a little boy.
Now I have the ability to see.
I shouldn’t even waste my breath.
This love you profess,
It’s like a sickness.
You think you were such a great guy.
Go ahead,
Tell yourself another lie.
Back in the day,
I wanted to believe in you.
Even craved it to a degree.
But now I can see….
Through all your games and self pity.
Your embellished stories.
Your ultimate goal of complete control.
Since you left,
And lets get that straight…you are the one who left.
Not me.
I was such a fool for you, a pawn in your game….
Like Aretha said…A link in a chain.
I would of never left.
The truth sits in front of your eyes and you refuse to see.
You wanna change things now ?
You think we can go back in time ?
You wanna try to change the ways you have manipulated my mind ?
Don’t misunderstand the key,
Of my self awakening.
I am free of you and your ways
Because of my own need for relief.
From your fully embedded, controlling ways…from your deep seeded insanity.
Don’t confuse these revelations,
Create complications with your recovery,
And let your ego assume I feel this way because of his love for me.
He is an amazing man,
You will always believe,
Whatever you want to believe.
Whatever makes you feel good to believe.
You made me fall out of love with you…by your own actions.
And reactions.
No one but you could ever make me want to leave.
Being with him,
Since you’ve been gone has been a wonderful experience for someone like me.
Someone who, for so long was not treated as they should be.
I could hurt your small ego if I wanted to.
Like you do.
If I thought it would mean shit.
I could tell you compared to him you have a somewhat smaller dick.
And I could mean it.
What would that do.
What would that prove.
What should hurt you is the knowledge that he makes me feel like I use to.
Back when I was a young girl.
When I had energy and drive to be all the things you tried to dismiss,
Tried to complicate and correct.
You can continue to try and change the truth and make this about him.
Make it what you desire it to be about.
But you and I and anyone who knows us can see what this is, really.
It’s about your issues.
You were lucky to have me as long as you did.
You can act like no one sees through you.
Act like no one can read you.
Really, farther away…it’s plain to see.
A child’s brain in a man’s body.
A helpless creature among regular society.
A leech, for whatever you can take.
Whatever you can get out of your so called friends & family.

The truth really is…
You paid most of our bills, that doesn’t make you a good man.
The regular things you did can’t make up for the hurtful, mean and psycho behavior.
And the way you put your fucking hands on me.
I am coming to realize, love doesn’t work that way.
You can’t make up for it tomorrow and scar me today.
What you have done forever damaged my feelings for you.
Maybe you don’t even know, maybe you can’t see this.
Maybe your still figuring it out
Or you still don’t understand the lines you have crossed on so many occasions.
But especially this last one.
I do, I know what I have done to you in the past.
I can admit to all of that.
And I have.
Can you admit to anything that was wrong which you did ?
Maybe any of those malicious ways you fucked with my head.
Or any of the ways in which you were inexcusably cruel.
Why would you want to stay with me if you know these things are true.
Like you have confessed.
Like you have told me on numerous times since you left.
You tell me you finally saw yourself,
Through this period of reflection and all the hurt you had forced upon me.
At such a young age, at such a heavy degree.
So quickly, like your version of love is a rapidly degenerative disease.
And then you take it back,
You make me think everything with you is an act.
Why do you now try to act like a saint ?
Like you were the one hurt and betrayed.
You betrayed my heart,
You hurt my pride and my body and that’s just the start,
Of my problems with you.
You changed everything I am as a woman before I even knew how to be one.
You held me down before I ever had a chance to really dream…..
About anything clearly,
As an adult, as a viable, productive human being.
You were older,
You should’ve known better,
I could say a million things to you.
Would you even get it ?
Would you stop to think…..
Maybe I did damage this young,
Not nearly innocent,
But fragile girl.
Did I say and do those things ?
Was I that cruel ?
Even though it might hurt you to admit it.
Would you ask yourself,
Did I do that ?
My sweet love you say, my sweet angel…..
I changed her life, I saved her.
What did you save besides what you wanted to see ?
Bad intentions, I could say.
Bad intentions from a tortured little boy.
You might never admit it to me.
Would you admit it to yourself ?
I can get over this, I’m already healing.
I can even talk to you.
But sometimes,
I think I will always ask myself these things.
And wish,
That someday you will too.