as strung as a
gossamer spring is
to the scattering sea
sink me before i
head soak in
as the salty aftertaste
cakes a second
guessed wave and
clings to wind’s
like the winged life.
| well... i don't know what I'm gonna say. your writing has changed, or maybe just I have. I can't compare it because you've deleted everything. |
I like how you start out in this way, but what you follow with doesn't say anything about you being relative to me. The methaphors don't connect for me. Maybe its me.
I don't know I just don't quite get what its about. It sounds really good sure, but what are you saying man? really. sorry this is sort of harsh, but I think you know what its like to really get a point across and thats why I think you aren't here because you aren't saying much right now except to yourself. Think about what you can tell somebody. Maybe just write to someone in particular. Make it clear. This is all fuzzy, focus!
|| Posted on 2007-08-14 00:00:00 | by girlunderglass | [ Reply to This ] || I think it's very well done. Very artistic; I had to read it twice to make my own interpretation. This is a good thing; it's not because I had to read if because it was technically confusing, it was because the portrayal of the point of relativety, of connection with life or humanity to each other. Basically, I thought of it as describing how our thoughts or selves as humans are conjoined...we all have similar feelings and nature. How we second-guess each other like we are predictable, yet ponder over life when it really isn't as complicated or indecisive as it seems.|
Hehe, well that's just me. The criticism I have is it all flows well yet "And hey..." in no way to me sounds good with it. It sounds all nice and barnished except for the quirky bump of 'hey' leading to the next paragraph.
Also, though the end is ok, I think 'like the winged life' could be executed and said better...especially without 'like.'
Nice job. I really enjoyed it.
|| Posted on 2007-01-05 00:00:00 | by iroti | [ Reply to This ] |