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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Ship of Foolsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: Vasudeva
    ASL Info:    43/M/irrelevant
    Elite Ratio:    5.12 - 24/27/23
    Words: 473
    Class/Type: Poetry/Misc
    Total Views: 731
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 3554



    Description:
       This is a complex topic...I could sure use feedback! Have fun,
    if you comment on my work, I will comment on yours!


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShip of Foolsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    He was a mistake,
    inside and out.
    Pushed out into
    the mean
    streets alone;

    Yet another
    futile, wasted,
    impotent dream,
    smashed
    to tears
    with all thoughts of hope,
    gone too;
    the background
    spewing insults
    and muttering constant
    threats.

    He knew escape
    to be impossible.

    'Round every corner
    Lies constant danger
    Threatening people
    Are watching.
    No place to hide.
    Constant fear.
    He thinks this is what
    Exposed slaves
    At auction must have felt like.
    Judged like horses and dogs.
    Violated to the core.
    Never even
    Allowed to be
    alone.

    Without a home,
    He must sleep
    In the streets
    Others can harm him
    Anytime.
    There's no place
    to hide
    A perpetual waking nightmare.

    -Ship of fools, he thinks.

    The cityscape blurs by
    flowing like hot jazz.
    White ponds hang over loud
    glowing near loud
    Red lights, posters, graffitti,
    in the space surround.

    -Ship of fools, he thinks.
    He'd have jumped off
    The mercy of a quick death by drowning.
    No one would notice
    he muses,
    obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill,
    the drunks and the losers.

    His own family contains
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existences.

    He mutters to himself
    Agitated but politely quiet.
    Trudging every tired step.
    He looks up at devils
    on the rooftop
    and thinks they've won.
    The sun glows unapologetically.
    Without warmth.
    Gargoyles stuck frozen
    constructed with cement, like
    the gravestones nearby.
    They seem to sum up
    life.

    -He'd have jumped off the ship,
    when it got too unbearable.

    the vitriolic, incessant,
    unrelenting wind
    swirled and sang and whistled
    like the sea.
    Yet on and on he walked.

    The only source of heat awailable
    to him, In this rich land of ours
    were grates.
    But these were of coldest steel now.
    Stealing his last hope of
    comfort or warmth this night,
    and maybe tomorrow,
    if it comes.

    -He'd have drowned himself,

    Anyways,
    God wouldn't let him win
    in this enlightened age...
    Pointlessly, he survived suicide.
    Three times.
    Will he die of exposure now?
    In the 21st Century?

    Has society really advanced
    since they threw "undesirables"
    onto a ship without oars.
    Knowing and wanting them to die?

    And the meat still heaves.
    There is no answer for
    The healthy body,
    with a tortured mind.
    The hated flesh he couldn't kill.
    His mind still protests and continues...
    and continues.

    just wanting to go home
    (in the biblical sense).
    it's been so long
    He is still waiting
    waiting for the answer.
    obliterating consciousness,
    with any means available.
    Needing a miracle,
    to be able to truly rest,
    At Home, at long last.
    Maybe now?






    Submitted on 2007-01-05 18:57:12     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
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    ||| Comments |||
      i hope you dont mind my coming by and commenting on your stuff.
    i always seem to be telling you what you should change or think about and i dont want you to think that i think im better than you or anything. its more that i KNOW youve got HEAPS of potential we just gotta get that moving in the right direction is all.
    you have some amazing images in your work and start off in a brilliant direction but seem to get a lil distracted in this piece. but we can bring it back on course and can prolly shorten this piece down some so that it packs more of a punch too...

    Ok... So I like the first coupla stanzas but I actually think you gotta join them together…
    I think we use ellipses to indicate that the idea continues on and while the first stanza idea does continue on without words if you are going to start the second stanza with “like” then we gotta take out those ellipses and make the connection stronger. Perhaps dropping the “like” will indicate that it is HIM who is thrown out but the DREAM that is wasted and broken and hope along with it.

    He was a mistake,
    inside and out.
    Pushed out into
    the mean
    streets alone;
    yet another
    futile, wasted,
    impotent dream,
    smashed
    to tears
    With all thoughts of hope,
    gone too;
    the background
    spewing insults
    and muttering constant
    threats.

    He knew escape
    To be impossible.

    I think the idea of escape being impossible is a good one but you have to make sure you clearly express what it is he is trying to escape. Is he trying to escape being kicked out of home? Or is it the futility of living on the streets and the hopelessness it brings? Is it the danger he is trying to escape… the way anyone and everyone can take advantage of his vulnerable state? You have to work out what it is he is trying to escape from and clearly present it as part of your piece…


    I think for this next part until the first use of “ship of fools” here you have repeated your ideas a whole lot, though perhaps quite unintentionally, by rewording them each time and I think this kills the power of the danger that he faces. Now I *think* you are trying to say that he not only faces dangers from forces outside of him but also from inside of him represented by the voices that never leave him be and the reference to him being locked up if he tried to articulate himself. I think that your parenthesised explanation of being locked up actually takes away from the piece because to this point your words have been close to vague as to why he has been kicked onto the streets and what his problem and/or circumstances are and to all of a sudden throw something that clear and obvious in kinda seems out of place. Now ive taken what I think to be the important or most emphasized ideas of this part above and put them together. Not to say that you should use it that way but to show you that there are ways to cut it down some, lose some of the repetition and make the section more powerful:


    ‘roud every corner
    Lies constant danger
    People and voices
    Voices and people
    Exposed, painful and raw
    His enemies never let him be

    -ship of fools he muses

    And if put with the first part it still makes sense and carries on well with what you are saying and perhaps is an attempt to show what it is he is trying to escape.

    He was a mistake,
    inside and out.
    Pushed out into
    the mean
    streets alone;
    yet another
    futile, wasted,
    impotent dream,
    smashed
    to tears
    With all thoughts of hope,
    gone too;
    the background
    spewing insults
    and muttering constant
    threats.

    He knew escape
    To be impossible.

    ‘roud every corner
    Lies constant danger
    People and voices
    Voices and people;
    Exposed, painful and raw
    His enemies never let him be

    -ship of fools he muses

    Ok. So here I need to stop you and ask in what sense you use the term “ship of fools”
    It can be taken in many different ways and I think you need to make sure you put the context you are going for in this piece. I am assuming that it would be something along these lines:

    With a sense of self-criticism, it describes the world and its human inhabitants as a vessel whose deranged passengers neither know nor care where they are going.

    And if that is the case then we need to make that clear through words because not everyone is going to know what ship of fools means though it is quite possible they have heard the term many a time.


    The cityscape blurs by
    flowing like hot jazz.
    Streetlights like white ponds..
    Red lights, posters, graffitti,
    in the space surround.

    -Ship of fools, he inwardly thinks.

    obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill,
    the drunks and the losers.

    His own family contains
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existences.

    He mutters to himself quietly,
    trudging every tired step.
    He looks up at devils
    on the rooftop.
    The sun glows unapologetically.

    Gargoyles stuck frozen
    constructed with cement, like
    the gravestones nearby.


    I really enjoyed this section here. Some brilliant imagery in here. I can see the musician coming out in the use of jazz… ive noticed you quite often use music as images and I think that’s stunning. Im quite the fan of music and love (yet also hate) the way that every memory I have in life is tied to a song… if I hear the song I am automatically transported back to the memory or if something jogs the memory the song isn’t far behind…
    I think the way you describe the city may be a good step in the direction of explaining what you had in mind with ship of fools. The way the city all seems so out of control and unaware of it. I personally would change the first line of this section

    The cityscape blurs [by]
    flowing like hot jazz.

    Id remove “by” because flowing would indicate that the city is moving and you wouldn’t know it unless you were near enough to see… right? And just to keep the sounds blurring in this stanza how about changing round:

    Streetlights like white ponds..
    Red lights, posters, graffitti,

    To:

    White ponds of streetlights,
    Red lights, posters, graffiti

    I think it creates more of a confused blurring ambience which works with the stanza being trapped between 2 ‘ship of fools’ lines…


    -Ship of fools, he inwardly thinks.

    I don’t know if you need both thinks and inwardly. I get what you are getting at but usually, unless the writer states that he is thinking OUT LOUD it can be assumed that the thinking is inward…
    Maybe he could think to himself if you need more than thinks there…


    obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill,
    the drunks and the losers.

    His own family contains
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existences.

    I think this could easily all be one stanza.

    obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill,
    the drunks and the losers.
    His own family contain[ing]
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existences.

    And I also think you could take the next two stanzas/ideas and make them one…

    He mutters to himself quietly,
    trudging every tired step.
    He looks up at devils
    on the rooftop.
    The sun glows unapologetically
    Upon gargoyles stuck frozen,
    constructed with cement, like
    the gravestones nearby


    The reason I am encouraging you to make stanzas longer and join ideas together is that the end of this piece you seem to have done that and deviated from the sparseness of the start of the piece. I really hope you don’t mind all this lol. If you do PLEASE tell me. Coz im not by any means telling you this piece sucks. I really like it. I just KNOW it can be HEAPS better!

    I think for the next part (between the two references to the ship) could also all be one stanza.

    I think you need to change

    -He'd have jumped off the ship,
    [if it’d] got too unbearable

    Because there is no promise that it would infact become that way but there was chance that life was heading in that direction.

    the vitriolic, incessant,
    unrelenting wind
    swirled and sang and whistled
    like the sea.
    On and on he walked,
    His only source of heat awailable
    in such a rich and plentiful land
    were grates of the coldest steel,
    Stealing his last hope of
    comfort or warmth this night.

    I think if you take out the contractions on the drowning himself part it will be like increasing the urgency of this piece and the idea…

    -He would have drowned himself,
    Really he would
    he reasoned inwardly.

    I like the idea that he is aware of being on the ship and yet he doesn’t seem to have thrown himself overboard yet. Having said that perhaps he feels that he has nothing now and to throw himself over board he would risk having even less perhaps…


    Ok… three more stanzas to go… I promise im almost done and I realise this is a KILLER mamoth comment…

    I think you wanna drop anyways and pick up and.
    You are introducing god for the first time in this piece but you seem to be giving the impression that he has been here in some form the whole time. I would be inclined to drop ‘this enlightened age’ because it doesn’t seem to have much of a hold in the piece. I think you question too much in this stanza and need to simplify it some:





    [and] God wont let him win
    With his pointless survival of suicide
    Three times now only to die
    Of exposure on these 21st century streets
    With other “undesirables”
    Society cast out.

    I love the line ‘and the meat still heaves. I think it needs its own stand alone pedestal myself.

    I think you gotta start wrapping this piece up though. You seem to have lost your focus after the idea of healthy body/tortured mind. You have indicated death and suicide in the previous stanza so I don’t think that needs to be revisited to end the piece. Perhaps taking the reader back to the surroundings…? Bringing back the flowing like hot jazz and mingling it with the feelings of the hopelessness of the situation would bring it to more of a powerful close…

    There is no answer for
    The healthy body,
    with a tortured mind
    waiting for the means.
    obliterating consciousness,
    obsessively, intently. vividly
    The cityscape blurs by
    flowing like hot jazz.
    Streetlights like white ponds..
    Red lights, posters, graffitti,

    the voices never stop
    the meat still heaves.



    Ok.
    So now that ive gone through your piece and suggested some changes its important to put it all together and see if it makes sense and more importantly for YOU to make sure it still says what YOU want it to say. And then I encourage you to take this piece as you have written it and tweak away at bits and pieces. Maybe some of the ideas that I have suggested make sense to you and if that’s the case feel free to use them. If they mean nothing completely ignore them.


    He was a mistake,
    through and through.
    Pushed out into
    the mean
    streets alone;
    yet another
    futile, wasted,
    impotent dream,
    smashed
    to tears
    With all thoughts of hope,
    gone too;
    the background
    spewing insults
    and muttering constant
    threats.

    He knew escape
    To be impossible.

    ‘round every corner
    Lies constant danger
    People and voices
    Voices and people;
    Exposed, painful and raw
    His enemies never let him be

    -ship of fools he muses

    The cityscape blurs
    flowing like hot jazz.
    White ponds like streetlights
    Red lights, posters, graffitti,
    in the space surround.

    -Ship of fools, he thinks to himself

    obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill,
    the drunks and the losers.
    His own family containing
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existences

    He mutters to himself quietly,
    trudging every tired step.
    He looks up at devils
    on the rooftop.
    The sun glows unapologetically
    Upon gargoyles stuck frozen,
    constructed with cement, like
    the gravestones nearby

    -He'd have jumped off the ship,
    if it’d got too unbearable

    the vitriolic, incessant,
    unrelenting wind
    swirled and sang and whistled
    like the sea.
    On and on he walked,
    His only source of heat awailable
    in such a rich and plentiful land
    were grates of the coldest steel,
    Stealing his last hope of
    comfort or warmth this night.

    -He would have drowned himself,
    Really he would
    he reasoned inwardly

    [and] God wont let him win
    With his pointless survival of suicide
    Three times now only to die
    Of exposure on these 21st century streets
    With other “undesirables”
    Society cast out.

    And the meat still heaves

    There is no answer for
    The healthy body,
    with a tortured mind
    waiting for the means.
    obliterating consciousness,
    obsessively, intently. vividly
    The cityscape blurs by
    flowing like hot jazz.
    Streetlights like white ponds..
    Red lights, posters, graffitti,

    the voices never stop
    And the meat still heaves.
    On this constant ship of fools
    | Posted on 2007-03-28 00:00:00 | by Someones Epiphany | [ Reply to This ]
      straight to the point:

    "obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill,
    the drunks and the losers.

    His own family contains
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existences."

    favorite lines. a family full of alcoholics and mentally unstable; a topic that can hit home for some. and referring to their lives as "pointless existences" was powerful.

    great write!
    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by Nero_s Decay | [ Reply to This ]
      This is a fairly interesting topic to write on. Long poem yes, but I shall try my best.

    He was a mistake,
    inside and out.
    Pushed out into
    the mean
    streets alone...


    You started out pretty simply, using the lonely street kid as a template for the ship of fools theme and undertone, that's an unusual take on it. The mistake part is relatable, almost everybody today thinks they're some sort of lab experiment gone wrong. Figuratively, of course.

    like yet another
    futile, wasted,
    impotent dream,
    smashed
    to tears.


    Thoughts of hope,
    gone too...
    the background
    muttering,
    spewing insults
    and constant
    threats.


    Broken dreams is another common theme a lot of writers here use. You've employed half sentences effectively to convey that message, and making it seem as though the cold darkness of the streets has red eyes watching our friend every step of way, pushing him down, slowly eating up everything he has left, if he does have anything at all. Nicely done, especially the "constant threats" part.

    No escape is possible,
    he knew.


    'Round every corner
    lies constant danger...
    (though he tries never
    to scream or shout,
    because you would notice
    and lock him up...


    Now you make it sound like he's some sort of drug runner! But you've got a slight mistake here, you opened a bracket after "constant danger" but you didn't close it after that.
    "Because you would notice/and lock him up" seems to me to be interpreted two ways,
    1) He's a drug runner/criminal/etc.
    2) He'll be an outcast because he's different..
    I shall choose to interpret it way number two because that sounds a little more ambiguous and I like ambiguous.

    Without a home,
    he must sleep
    in the streets
    others can harm him
    anytime.


    There's no place
    to hide
    from people
    and the voices.


    Now he appears schizophrenic..running away from his condition and/or problems that endanger his life and/or sanity and yet he can't escape the life that he's known. Such a portrayal of confusion is quite rare, especially with the half sentence structure.

    His enemies
    never stop!
    They never leave him be.


    A waking nightmare.
    that will kill him soon
    in a premeditated assault
    against his person,


    exposed, painful, raw.

    -Ship of fools, he muses.

    Getting more and more graphic by the stanza. The imagery changes drastically, now our friend seems like some target for assassins of some sort, and they possibly won't leave him be, unless of course they're bullies and/or axe murderers in disguise.
    The "exposed, painful, raw" has very strong feeling to it. Amazing insertion of emotion.
    Haha, ship of fools.

    The cityscape blurs by
    flowing like hot jazz.
    Streetlights like white fire
    spitting out of a straw
    in the cement belly.


    -Ship of fools, he inwardly thinks,

    I assume hunger is portrayed here, with the use of vocabulary normally associated with eating and drinking. Again, ship of fools is excellent, but maybe a period or a semicolon would have fared better as punctuation since you didn't add another sentence below it but a stanza.

    obsessively, intently. vividly.
    The fate of the mentally ill
    and the drunks and the losers.


    His own family contains
    the lineage of countless,
    pointless existances.


    Hmm. Now you mention his family. Probably now imagining himself in a mental institution, or perhaps drunk somewhere on the streets, vomiting..I suggest you remove the "and" before the drunks, it spoils the effect.
    "countless pointless existences", last word spelt incorrectly..but I am curious as to how you define a pointless existence.

    He mutters to himself quietly,
    trudging every tired step.
    He looks up at the devils
    on the roof.


    Gargoyles stuck frozen
    constructed with cement like
    gravestones.


    Gargoyles are technically not devils, they're just a part of Gothic architecture, the area is starting to take shape, a church, perhaps? Also due to the mention of gravestones, would mean a graveyard. It's strange you didn't mention if it was night or day, but if you'd mentioned daytime it would have been far more fascinating.

    -He'd have jumped off the ship,
    when it got too unbearable.


    the vitriolic, incessant,
    unrelenting wind
    with biting, stinging leaves
    swirled and sang and whistled.


    vitrolic : very caustic; scathing: vitriolic criticism.
    The use of terms usually associated with the sea reinforces the ship of fools theme going on. I wonder what the leaves are doing on the sea though.

    Even the normally friendly
    grates were of coldest steel.
    Stealing the last hope of
    comfort or warmth this night.


    -He'd have drowned himself,
    he reasoned inwardly.


    Steel and steal. Nice play on alliteration, and I am also curious as to why you put "warmth" and "comfort" with night, unless you also do not wish to associate words such as "cold" and "dark" with a perfectly normal period of the day, sorry, night.
    Drowning's a horrible way to die. Does he really want to kill himself that badly?
    Or it could be drowning in the conformism and depression that has become the 21st century.

    Anyways, God wouldn't let him win
    in this enlightened age...
    Pointlessly, he survived suicide.
    Three times.
    Will he die of exposure now?
    In the 21st Century?


    Some mention of society enters this poem.
    "Enlightened age". Are you of the opinion that the IT age is enlightened? Or are we just caught in a web of technology?
    Surviving suicide is pointless. Wasn't suicide pointless to start with? What about life, is it just a meaningless existence?

    And the meat still heaves.
    There is no answer for
    The healthy body,
    with a tortured mind.
    The hated flesh he couldn't kill.
    His mind still protests and continues...
    and continues.


    just wanting to go home
    (in the biblical sense).
    it's been so long
    waiting for the answer.
    obliterating consciousness,
    with any means available.
    Needing a miracle,
    be able to truly rest
    At Home, at long last.


    You left the ending ambiguous, again it could mean he found a home, or, he died. I see you remembered to close the bracket this time.

    Thank you for giving my fingers a good exercise, I really enjoyed reading this and I hope you'll post more. Welcome to ES!
    Cheers
    Azuire
    P.S. Did you really want nonsensical remarks?
    | Posted on 2007-01-06 00:00:00 | by Azuire | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

    1. Be honest.
    2. Try not to give only compliments.
    3. How did it make you feel?
    4. Why did it make you feel that way?
    5. Which parts?
    6. What distracted from the piece?
    7. What was unclear?
    8. What does it remind you of?
    9. How could it be improved?
    10. What would you have done differently?
    11. What was your interpretation of it?
    12. Does it feel original?



    131128

    Be kind, take a few minutes to review the hard work of others <3
    It means a lot to them, as it does to you.


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