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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: She Sends Medots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: DaleP
    ASL Info:    57/M/TX
    Elite Ratio:    6.21 - 629/553/330
    Words: 121
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 588
    Average Vote:    No vote yet.
    Bytes: 1448



    Description:
       


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsShe Sends Medots
    -------------------------------------------


    The roses lie dead
                        on the floor

    everyday Susie     sends me more.
    Strewn about, a mess at my feet
    Chinese food, beer, roses and
    meat.

    Monopoly money from our last game?
    The same; it only brings more pain.
    Open the fridge, pop a top on a brew,
    listen to voice mail—
    of course ten are from Sue.

    Drag out the scrapbook
    to a worn out age;
    there we are, in a field of violets:
    when love was (all the rage)
    Violets were then, roses are now
    and somehow,

    I will manage to send them all back too.
    Roses it seems are a fitting way
                                                  to say
                                                      goodbye.





    Submitted on 2007-01-06 02:50:03     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

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    ||| Comments |||
      While I can plainly feel the emotion here (which, honestly, is the most important part), there is some awkwardness within the lines. It could be something in the topography that's jarring me. I'm not sure just how to pin point it, but I think the flow could be a little better. Still, I loved this. I congratulate you on your use of rhyme. Very difficult to pull off, but you've done it. Way to enjamb.

    Drag out the scrapbook
    to a worn out age;
    there we are, in a field of violets:
    when love was (all the rage)
    Violets were then, roses are now
    and somehow,

    I will manage to send them all back too.
    Roses it seems are a fitting way
    to say
    goodbye.

    Favorite stanza, hands down. This could stand on it's own, even. Excellent.
    | Posted on 2007-02-27 00:00:00 | by Clarkie | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece carries a sort of sentimental, bitter/sweet tone. Roses on the floor along with beer cans & food. I did think the first two lines went well to set the mood for the rest.

    I do think that the first two lines in the second stanza, if joined with the beginning part, could stand on its own. Like so:

    The roses lie dead
    on the floor
    everyday Susie
    sends me more.


    However, this line didn't sit too well with me:

    when love was (all the rage)


    Maybe you could word it differently or find something else that rhymes with 'page'.

    Other than that, I felt it ended well.

    Sarah
    | Posted on 2007-01-07 00:00:00 | by vohomegirl | [ Reply to This ]
      --this is so much better now...I really like the off set lines at the end--just a couple of oh so minor points of punctuation you could finesse if you wanted...

    The roses lie dead
    on the floor—
    everyday Susie…sends me more.
    Strewn about, a mess at my feet
    Chinese food, beer, roses and
    meat.

    Monopoly money from our last game?
    The same; it only brings more pain.
    Open the fridge, pop a top on a brew,
    listen to voice mail—
    of course ten are from Sue.

    Drag out the scrapbook
    to a worn out page;
    there we are, in a field of violets:
    when love was (all the rage)
    Violets were then, roses are now
    and somehow,

    I will manage to send them all back too.
    Roses it seems are a fitting way
    to say
    goodbye.

    I would have removed the ... in the third line, but I see you are partial to those lately--I myself like dashes and threw a couple in for you. Anyways, these changes make it a crystal clear write....strong and effective and it just tugs at my heartstrings to see the poor narrator in such a situation.

    I wonder if you would maybe like to add a line to rhyme with "bye"......."cry" or even "die"

    ....maybe:

    "I will manage to send them all back too.
    It's for the faded blooms I cry
    Dead roses seem a fitting way
    to say
    goodbye


    Just another thought I had.
    ~chris
    | Posted on 2007-01-06 00:00:00 | by ponykeeper | [ Reply to This ]
      This piece really conveys a depth of emotion. This awkward feeling of not knowing where one is emotionally, of being off balance, aimless. Very nice.
    I like the first stanza.
    Why don't you just present it as 4 lines? It works rhythmically and with the rimes. I guess that what I'm not feeling as motivated is the way you've split it up now, but maybe there's an important intention I'm missing.

    The second stanza is good too. I'm just a little bit thrown by the switch from "Sindy" to "you", I suppose "you" is Sindy. Of course there is a transition through the "our" of "our last game", so it's not really unclear. But I wasn't sure. Then there's just my lack of mastery of colloquial English: what does "pot a top on a brew" mean? Open a beer?

    In stanza 3, you should probably revise the punctuation (two colons never look good in sequence). I like the way you put "all the rage" in parentheses, it's dead gone. And the play on "roses are red, violets are blue" (note that the "blue" of this phrase, which I think must come to the mind of any reader, rhymes with the following "you", it's a neat trick).

    Maybe the first line of the last stanza needs a little tightening.

    I hope you are doing ok, and that the feelings described here are not the ones you're actually going through right now.
    Take care,
    PH
    | Posted on 2007-01-06 00:00:00 | by Lerlim | [ Reply to This ]


    Think Feedback more than Compliments :: [ Guidelines ]

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    3. How did it make you feel?
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