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    poetry


    dots Submission Name: Broken Wingsdots
    --------------------------------------------------------





    Author: silent_death12
    Elite Ratio:    7.94 - 1739/805/135
    Words: 263
    Class/Type: Poetry/Love
    Total Views: 1263
    Average Vote:    4.5000
    Bytes: 1645



    Description:
       i'm not going to say too much, i'll just mention that there were a lot of 'types' i could have put it under; and if it means something different to you and 'love' isn't as relevant, that's more than fine with me.
    <-jessie->


    Make the font bigger!! Double Spacing Back to recent posts.

    dotsBroken Wingsdots
    -------------------------------------------


    Makeshift wings allow faded dreams to fly,
    And all these made-up stories kept us so alive.
    On stage you claimed to become so real,
    What's it like acting just so you can truly feel?
    The make up looks too fake up close;
    Your smile's painted on in a lazy repose.

    You always bled like it helped you live,
    Weeping in tune to a ruptured lullaby.
    You insisted, "it's really not even suicide."
    With apathetic care i asked what it is,
    In blood you merely wrote "my latest murder."
    When is your life not even yours to take?

    Gave your best attempt at a quick death,
    Were the pictures in my mind worth your time?
    Awakening to the sound of cinematic tears.
    Imagining that we're strong enough to sing along.
    Misery and agony spilling viral images to my mind,
    Do you see what I do just for your own sake?

    As bodies contort into mangled poses,
    How could you smile at the sight of that?
    Life serving as a mundane prelude to death.
    I'm always the soldier with an imaginary cause,
    Fighting pretend demons to elude reality.
    Why do you expect me to risk my life; to live?


    Midnight created our foretold requiem,
    the moon and stars bled colorful lies.
    In a dazed rush of blood and bliss,
    We sheltered each other from life;
    When we sincerely just wanted to die.
    Our blade carved us such beautiful wings.
    But you don't need to fly; to enjoy a good fall.




    Submitted on 2007-01-06 21:02:37     Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
    Submissions: [ Previous ] [ Next ]

    Rate This Submission

    1: >_<
    2: I dunno...
    3: meh!
    4: Pretty cool
    5: Wow!




    ||| Comments |||
      This was amazing! The best poem I've read in a long time. I could really feel and see everything clearly; an over all fantastic read and write. =]

    ~Phantom~
    | Posted on 2009-03-25 00:00:00 | by PhantomRose | [ Reply to This ]
      i cant even begin to explain how good that was
    its amazing unbelievable! wow! all i can really say is wow! its just so amazing! i'm interested to know what goes on in that brain of yours...well as i said, amazing job, keep up that good work! its awesome! my god that is awesome! WOOOOOW!
    | Posted on 2008-04-28 00:00:00 | by Kornfreakinabox | [ Reply to This ]
      wooooooooow.....verry good.......cant explain but verry good
    | Posted on 2008-04-22 00:00:00 | by Kornfreakinabox | [ Reply to This ]
      Ohhhh.


    I was so excited when i read the first stanza...then when i got to the second i was confused!


    the first stanza had rhyme and none of the others have such a pattern :(

    i love rhyme, so i was disappointed.




    However!

    i did like the poem overall, aside from that distraction. it actually seemed like a song to me :]

    like something that a band like good charlotte or fallout boy or as i lay dying or death cab for cutie or something like that would do :]


    Adieu!

    +Moz+ :]
    | Posted on 2008-03-26 00:00:00 | by GoKart Mozart | [ Reply to This ]
      This was really good and reminded me of some of my work. The rhyming was perfect and each stanza came off sounding perfect!
    Great write!
    Thanks for sharing.
    Kelley Frost
    | Posted on 2007-12-03 00:00:00 | by whendt | [ Reply to This ]
      The first stanza was by far my favorite. The whole fakeness of the person the poem is talking about bleeds through so freshly in that stanza. It's like a wake up call.
    At times this seemed a little forced, like in the second stanza with "suicide" and "homicide", but the overall poem makes up for it in its message.
    Peace and farewell....

    *tox*
    | Posted on 2007-11-22 00:00:00 | by Toxic_Rayne | [ Reply to This ]
      There are so many incredible images in this poem. I have to read it a few good times to let it sink into my psyche, though it's dark and frightening. I love your opening lines,

    Makeshift wings allow faded dreams to fly,
    And all these made-up stories kept us alive.
    On stage you claimed to become so real,
    What's it like acting just so you can truly feel?
    The make up looks too fake up close;
    Your smile's painted on in a lazy repose.

    I don't think you need a semincolon at the end,
    i think putting the last line by itself at the end would do nicely. just my thoughts.

    Great job. I want to keep this one so that I can re-read it, today particularly.

    Peace,
    ~Ragdoll
    | Posted on 2007-06-11 00:00:00 | by RagDoll | [ Reply to This ]
      This is chock full of splendid poetic images, they come fast and thick and pile up like mounds of rare jewels .... this is all to the good ... the point of the poem tends to be lost (however that is NOT necessairily a bad thing, as poetry should be able to pull you out of yourself and you have succeeded there rather admirably) ... bravo ... bravo ... bravo ... michael
    | Posted on 2007-03-12 00:00:00 | by Algol46 | [ Reply to This ]
      it seemed like you were giving glimpses into the story. the structure wasn't quite conventional but nevertheless it just added to the mood of the entire piece. some lines i thought had very good insight into certain matters like :
    "In blood you merely wrote "my homicide."
    When is your life not even yours to take?"
    i believe that our lives are not ours. they were given thus they are not ours to take or end for that matter. whether or not you meant it in this way, that is what i got from it.
    the next few stanzas seem to be talking about how this person just wanted to escape from reality and thus the world and how nothing would keep from from this want for that, not even his love... a very good plot indeed.

    all in all this was a nice piece. loved the way you ended it.
    hoping to read more of yours. hope my thoughts were helpful

    kat
    | Posted on 2007-02-14 00:00:00 | by moonlitsky | [ Reply to This ]
      This is truely excellent. I loved this. It is a dark, yet beautiful piece of writing.

    "We sheltered each other from life;
    When we sincerely just wanted to die.
    Our blade carved us such beautiful wings.
    But you don't need to fly; to enjoy a good fall. "

    Those four lines are my favorite part. They are a perfect ending for this. It finishes off this piece perfectly. Well done.

    From what Ive read of yours so far, I think this is my favorite. When I get some time to read more, I may like some of your other work even more.

    You are an excellent writer.

    Keep it up!

    peace.
    -Kamerin
    | Posted on 2007-01-14 00:00:00 | by Kamerin Brown | [ Reply to This ]
      Wow, this was different; even for you. There really wasn't much structure to it. It all, though well thought out seemed thrown together, with an ill-conceived sequence. The meaning seems to be tattered, and it's not the easiest read, there are faint glimpses of emotion, not as much as usual, but it coyuld be the fromat in which it's dereived, or lack there of that gives it such a take. Maybe it's too deep, maybe it's just rtrying to be; either way it doesn't seem natural, as though you just let it come, but if it is the case, it's just beyond me
    | Posted on 2007-01-07 00:00:00 | by dismentled | [ Reply to This ]
      Well I haven't much to add on a deeper level because it just seems like you are bantering with the reader, giving out generic ideas without focusing much on more personal details... kind of like me =P So meaning could be brought out of this piece, but I doubt on a dime that I would be fortunate enough to get your exact meaning. Some of the punctuation in this piece just seem useless... like first off you don't have to have something at the end of each verse, I hope you realize that, and secondly you should write it as if it were prose - like the same rules apply. Also consider changing up some of the words, and dropping things like "just" .... like the first two verses, I'd switch the and for as, or switch the tense of the verbe in the second verse. Also, makeup. Consider dropping on in a for as... And this is personal opinion, but can we avoid the likes. The second verse here I really liked - it made me imagine the randomest of things, like a musically noted page with an open cut and him humming sounds, and lack of, as they happened on the page. apathetic... are you trying to just make awkward sentences? apathetic care is just oxymoronic for one, you could've just as easily written without, or apathetically secondly. Also capitalize the I. Death is what lies unexpectedly around the corner in the wake of dreamy days lovely, you just don't want to let go I suppose. The sounds of cinematic.. hmmm... You can hear visual things? Or would it be like hearing those old video playing machines make all those sounds, and listening to the auditive aspect of the cinematic. I think you should consider adding in- to the to - or within. This was a weird sentence to tell you the truth. I think you should drop the as, and write "Bodies lay, contort in..." You know what I adore? You are running away from reality yet here is your prophesied requiem, like is that what you're running from? Also, I doubt thi was intended, but two of your questions rhyme. Bliss was a colourful word I found in this piece aswell, compared to all the other triste creations of yours...

    I think I butchered enough..
    Outlaw-ed
    | Posted on 2007-01-07 00:00:00 | by Outlaw | [ Reply to This ]
      well it has a been a while since i dont read your wriitngs ... and well the feeling is the same, your work with words are the best for me in this site...!!! i could feel all these images in my mind and well i have lived them too; as:

    "Were the pictures in my mind worth your time?
    Awakening to the sound of cinematic tears.
    Imagining that we're strong enough to sing along.
    Misery and agony spilling viral images to my mind,
    Do you see what I do just for your own sake?"
    i have felt those cinematics tears in her cheek, ; i luve it ... as this:

    "As bodies contort into mangled poses,
    How could you smile at the sight of that?"

    we could never simle in those moments ='(

    and the end was very .. i dont know how to say it.. i mean perfect because it is!!

    so a good write jess i will be reading your stuff closely these days because i am on vacations!

    good!!!
    have a nice day
    and peace and love
    Victor
    | Posted on 2007-01-06 00:00:00 | by vitoko | [ Reply to This ]


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