Nothing can be something by Jeniffer

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Submission Name: Nothing can be something dots

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Author:	Jeniffer
ASL Info:	18/f/earth
Elite Ratio:	5.82 - 236/266/76
Words:	62

Class/Type:	Poetry/Misc
Total Views:	404
Average Vote:	No vote yet.
Bytes:	450

Description:
Haven't been writing for awhile. So I wrote about it......

Nothing can be something dots

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The familiar musk
of a tainted room

A word squirms free
from the confines of my subconscious
(nothing can be something),
bounces off the paper,
reverberates in the mirror
sizzles through the atmosphere
and fades away

Red into orange into yellow
into white
and invisible

Best not to write after so long
I don't want to kill anyone

Submitted on 2007-01-07 20:02:29 Terms of Service / Copyright Rules
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||| Comments |||
  A poem about not writing poems. Neat.

It works very well. You set it up well, returning to something that hasn't been positive for you. Letting the invisible subconscious do the work, turning thin air into slightly thicker air.

There's a whimsy to this piece that I like. The idea of ideas, bouncing around rooms and out into the atmosphere, threatening to bore a hole in anything it runs into. Ideas are like that. They get free, and before you know it, wham!

Good stuff,

James
| Posted on 2008-02-06 00:00:00 | by FallenGrace | [ Reply to This ]
  I dunno, I rather liked it. I disagree with iroti, most especially about the word 'squirms' (as if the word struggles free, writhing) and the parenthetical line '(nothing can be something)'

It all is rather good. I liked it quite a lot and would change nothing about it.
| Posted on 2007-12-10 00:00:00 | by Flynn | [ Reply to This ]
  A little confusing, but it does sound mighty smart in some areas, but that's good because I need to re-read it a few times. However, it's pleasant.

Some words I'd revise like 'squirm.' To me, it reminds me of a bug or child squirming about...the poem seems serious, and I think perhaps struggle or leaks or writhes...for example would sound better.

Also the (nothing can be something) is indeed a good excerpt to have in there hence the title, yet it seems kind of plopped after 'from the confines of my subconscious
(nothing can be something)' like it should not be there. Like you are adding a note...whereas I think it should be somewhere more prevelant like at the end. Granted it wouldn't fit with the last few lines of the poem however I don't really like the last two lines. They sound unpoetic compared to the lovely second paragraph you have and the small third one. Almost to blunt...like a poets end note that is not part of the poem.

I love this: Red into orange into yellow
into white
and invisible

Great composition. It well-versed and a good read.
| Posted on 2007-01-08 00:00:00 | by iroti | [ Reply to This ]

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